European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 11, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns to escape the hassles of civilization try camping by Dave Barry Kniehl riddler newspapers of. It s liim1 or a weekend i camping trip we thought. It s Lime in gel away from ill the hassles of t Ivich Alion. In got in touch with our inner selves to explore the Subtle wonders of the natural world e even in gel stung or Billon. So we hauled out our trusty old tent which had not Hern used Lor it least live years but which was still in perfect tamping condition except that in had been Ealen. In its entirely by a giant carnivorous pulsating Blob of mildew featuring individual spores roughly the Sie of Mic Higan wolverines. I Ley no problem. The harrys Are Veteran outdoor persons and we know How to survive in the wilderness without relying on some old Lent to went Down to Sears and charged a now tent. Also we bought food enough if we conserved artfully. To provide Doc uate weekend nutrition for me. My Wile my son and the dominican Republic. Also we Pac ked our Coloman gasoline powered lantern. This is the Light source favored by everywhere because you can depend on it year ill and year out no Mailer what the weather to Fry your Retinas like pork rinds. This Light a so Brigil thai commercial air Al will routinely All Empl to land on your campsite. Go to any popular wilderness at night and you la see Coleman blinded outdoor persons unable to Sei anything except their own lanterns staggering around bonking into Trees and knocking Over their c comical toilets to the Delight of Onlo King Woodland creatures wearing sunglasses. Also i took along my Swiss army knife which combines in one convenient unit weighing no mole than a ladies Bowling Ball every kind of implement screwdriver can opener shrimp Fork egg Slicer , Etc. Ilia you could Ever possibly use in the wilderness if Only you could unfold these implements without breaking off All your fingernails which of course you cannot. If All Swiss army weapons Are this difficult to operate it s no wonder Switzerland makes sue h a big Point of being Neutral. An invading enemy could wait right in unchallenged while the Swiss soldiers wore la Weir fingers Down to bloody slumps frantically trying to unfold the Rifle implement on their All purpose Soldier s tool Only to discover that in their Hasle they had by mistake unfolded say their Teflon coated spatulas. Also to packed the Tarp. Which we always take into the wilderness because ill Iho event of rain ill i d have to do is know k Down a couple of saplings by hitting them with my Swiss Anny knife then gel some rope from somewhere and tie various Knols such As the skank hitch and in practically no time i could Rig up what we Call a dining Fly although in actual practice we usually just get Wel. Also for self Protection you have to be prepared for anything in the wilderness we look along our Lawn darts. No they Are not to Gislerud. Well Register our Lawn darts when the criminals Register their Lawn Darls finally we were ready to depart from Miami Selling our course by the Angle Al which h the Sun s rays struck the Large Green sign that said to i 1 we were headed toward Wesl i Alan Beach the location of the Only Campground where we were Able to get a reservation for the weekend this being the Peak of Iho wilderness adv lure season. Ii was not an easy journey. Ust outside of for i Alderdale we ran out of cheer its. But we pressed on because we were nearing our destination which a cording to our triple a camping Guidebook featured shaded i lore s a useful camping lip always find Oul in Advance what is causing the Shade. Al this particular Campground. The Sun was being blotted Oul by recreational vehicles the size of the Lincoln memorial Only less fuel efficient which were parked very close Logel Hor so Aslo prevent any saplings or Oiler nature items from surging Oul of Iho ground and possibly knocking Over somebody s satellite dish. There were no tents. Zero. I figured out Why when to saw our Cam silo a Small Patch of dirt thai had Boon Pac ked so hard by the recreational memorials that you could t penetrate it with the ax-54 assault Model Lawn Darl Lei alone a Tell Peg. Bui to Are nol quitters in our family. No sir. We happen to to descendants of pioneers rugged men and women who came to this land when Shore were no modern conveniences who were nol Claun Lod by hardships who faced challenges head on and who ultimately Hank cod built a lot of motels. So we wont to a Motel and although there were unexplained hairs in the bed sheets in was still a wholesome family experience a Chance for us to pass along some wilderness lore to our son such As you re supposed to Lake the Little paper strip off the Seal before you use the toilet. We re definitely thinking of going camping again maybe Noel year or maybe the year after depending on How Long in takes for the new crop of Tell mildew to mature. Lunchtime intrusion leaves woman disgruntled by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners my Boyfriend has keys to my apartment. He is Welcome to come and go As he pleases cat whatever is in the refrigerator he s the confuse my Art supplies and Wear my jeans even skirts if he so desires. I walk Home from work for lunch every Day and enjoy his company when he s around. Today at noon i arrived a minute before a Mutual Friend who was dropping something off for my Boyfriend and then taking him for a spin. My Boyfriend had invited her in to Sec our Holiday Craft projects. My place was a mess of litter and junk and yesterday s clothes so i voiced my objection As she parked her car but added it s too late you invited her so Shell have to come he was angry and told her that i did t want her to come in. Although he asked her to Wail outside she boldly entered anyway and made jokes. Even if my apartment had t been so ugly i object to such intrusions on my lunch at Home without prior consultation. I Don t have keys to my Boyfriend s place. Was i justifiably disgruntled gentle Reader ii is a bit hard to slap House rules on someone who has been invited to go through your closets and Wear your skirts. Having Dirini everything you can to make your Boyfriend feel Al Home in your apartment hospitality thai has not been reciprocate you now wish to claim that he is merely a guest who is not allowed to Lei anyone in when you Are absent. You could of course Lake your apartment Back but miss manners believes that had you wanted to throw him out you would have done so without her help. Consider an alternative like saying. If you re going to have anyone Over please i lean up first thai should ensure you a i Uiel lunch. Dear miss manners when one of us has a birthday or it is our anniversary my husband and i take each other out for dinner. The problem is who decides where to go for dinner the person paying or the person who is invited also is in different if the dinner is not for a special occasion gentle Reader the Honsl Grosl relationship is nol generally retained in marriage where the usual restaurant invitation is i Loney where do you feel like going if you wish to preserve Iho formality however the person doing the inviting can either allow the other to choose or Inako the Choice in which Case it is called a Surprise As in come with me i be made All the dear miss manners Short of not inviting them again what is the solution to no shows a certain couple we know always arrives late at gatherings of any sort or they May just not show up period. What is worse they Don t Call to say that they won t be attending and they simply dismiss the whole situation by saying what s the fuss or they Don t say anything at All. Gentle Reader you want to keep inviting these people to dinner do you Well if they Haven t managed to offend you All that much and Ibey Are Happy then what s the problem miss manners is sorry to say thai she cannot gel a grip on Iho backs of their necks and deliver them to you. She suggests that you include them Only at Large gatherings where in does t matter. Dear miss manners i am a divorced male whose Fiancee is also divorced. We Are each marrying for the second time. What is the protocol for engagement rings in second marriages also must my Fiancee s ring be larger than the one Given by her sex husband to his current Fiancee gents f. Reaper the Correct formula is to multiply the size of the lady s first engagement ring in Iho size of the one you gave your first wife and add to in the size of the ring her former husband gave his Fiancee. With any Luck you will soon reach a stalemate with the gentlemen no longer Able to afford to raise the Slakes and the ladies no longer Able to lift their hands and miss manners will be Able to turn her attention to sensible questions. Dear miss manners i am considering getting married again. At my previous wedding my sister was Matron of Honor. I would love her to fill that role again but might that be frowned on gentle Reader what Pray is your reasoning thai when changing husbands it looks backward to retain the same sister dear miss manners As i entered a funeral Home for the funeral of someone very close to me i was in Shock. Before i opened the door i could hear very loud laughing. It gave me he impression i was entering a cocktail bar. There were four relatives carrying on. To me that was acting uncivilized. The undertaker was in Shock. When i asked them to lower their voices i was told one goes to a funeral to cheer people up not to have a Long face like mine. There was another funeral across the Hall All elderly people and i m sure the carrying on must have Hurt them As Well As me. Gentle Reader no in is nol the purpose of a funeral to cheer up the bereaved. What a shocking idea. The purpose of a funeral is to pay Honor to the departed. No Mailer How Many people Are prepared to swear that the deceased would nol have wanted anyone to Grieve miss manners has never yet Mot anyone who would want his or her death to leave intimates emotionally undisturbed. May 11, 1989 str pet Magazine
