European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 01, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns something else to worry about bursting into flame Knight Ridder newspapers Here at the consumer command Post we re working to make your world More threatening to continue to receive alarming news items clipped out by Alert readers who have obtained scissors when their Ward attendants weren t looking. In accordance with our rigorous standards of accuracy we have checked All of these submissions carefully to determine whether they contain any Money. We pass them along to you the Public so you will be better Able to make Wise consumer choices and enjoy Safe healthy and Happy lives until Lime As you burst into flames. Don t laugh. Thai is a very real possibility according to a science digest article mailed to us by Thomas Miller of Des Moines Iowa. The article concerns spontaneous human combustion which is when people with no apparent cause suddenly Start burning like campfire marshmallows reaching temperatures of thousands of degrees and being reduced to ashes. This is often fatal. There have been More than 200 reported cases of spontaneous human combustion which apparently can happen to anybody anytime. Persons have ignited while walking driving boating and even dancing notes science digest reminding us of a number of evenings in the ninth Grade when we personally came extremely close to erupting in flames right in the Harold c. Critic Ndon school cafeteria while dancing the dirty dog with Barbara Smayda to the song unc lined Melody. Strangely in Many spontaneous human combustion cases the area immediately around the victim is unaffected by the ire. Although the ceiling and Walls of the room Are covered with soot. No doubt you Are asking yourself is there anything thai i As an individual consumer can do about this alarming problem fortunately there is. We be clone some tests Here at the consumer command Post and we be found thai you can get those Walls clean again simply by scrubbing Thern with a mixture of detergent and warm water. We feel we should warn you however that in is not a Wise idea to put Loo Many Beauty products in your hair. We base this warning on a news article from the slate of Columbia s.c., sent in by Phyllis Wai Scoll. It concerns a South Carolina woman who has filed a lawsuit claiming that her hair burst into Lames because of the effect of the Sun shining on two hair care products that she wearing. One of her attorneys is quoted we Are not making this up As offering this scientific explanation the whole thing is that she just put them on her head both products and in was a hot Day that Day and her head just spontaneously Here s what gels our goal right now the world scientific Community is having multiple Laboratory orgasms just because some scientists might have discovered a cold fusion process whereby if you put atoms into a Jar according to a certain recipe you might gel a reaction that might someday be an important new Energy source but not until Trust us on this the scientific Community obtains a Large amount of tax Money donated by interested Consumers. Meanwhile Here we have a South Carolina woman who acting on her own has apparently stumbled upon a proven Energy producing reaction requiring Only a couple of readily available personal grooming substances plus a human head lust think of the possibilities we could see the Day in our lifetimes when a City the size of Baltimore could have All of its electrical Power needs met or a decade simply by harnessing the latent hairstyle Energy of a single Republican women s club tin we must not Start rejoicing yet nol while we still face in ongoing epidemic of exploding animals and items a Story we have been covering relentlessly for several months now in an unselfish Effort to win a Large Ash prize for journalism. We have reported the mysterious explosions of a Snail a cow numerous pigs and even a human stomach. What next we asked. Now sure enough we have our answer municipal toilets. The toilets in question were located in a courthouse in Seattle where according to news items sent in by approximately 40.1 00 Alert readers somebody connected an air compressor to the water line so when people attempted to flush they were suddenly attacked by a Geyser. We can Only Hope that these people were nol attorneys about to make important court appearances your Honor May i approach the Bench if you think that this is just an isolated incident you Are no offence intended an idiot. According to an associated press article alertly sent in by Lisa Hoffman three people in Fordyce ark., were injured when somebody accidentally allowed propane to gel into the City water Supply thus essentially transforming some toilets into bombs. Here is an actual quote from one of the victims whom the commode burst into Well Consumers we re out of space Here so Una of innately we can t report some of our other items As the one sent in by Charles Popelka concerning the woman in Ottumwa Iowa who encountered the exploding potato. But rest assured that in the months ahead we will continue to provide you Consumers with information thai will enable you to become sufficiently alarmed about the lethal threats that Are All around us in everyday objects As this keyboard Hal we Are typing on which we notice seems to be emitting some kind of whomping noise. Older couple maintains a semblance of marriage by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners my Mother in Law passed away six months ago after a Long Battle with cancer. About eight weeks after her death i received a Short note from my father in Law my husband was out of town in which he mentioned that he was having a difficult time meeting women. I was shocked. I realized that he intended to remarry but not that he would consider it so quickly. A month later my father in Law said he was going to get married again. He quit his Job and moved to another City to live with his Fiancee. Later my husband was told by his brother that because of the financial situation they decided that it would be impractical to marry. In the meantime we have received a card from them with Ohn and Ane Doc above the return address. Then we got another one with or. And mrs. John while i obviously Disappio c of this whole ridiculous situation i Realise it s none of my business and they can do whatever they like. I would like to make an Effort to keep things Friendly. Still i can t Force myself to address a letter to Ohn and Jane while i have nothing against their living together my husband and i did that Tooi think it s very Tacky for her to be using his last name. I would also feel uncomfortable writing John Doc and Ane and nobody has told me what her last name is arc there any other options gentle Reader the simple answer is to write to your father in Law As or. Ohn Doe making sure Hal you include regards to ,ine." but beneath the etiquette question of How you should address letters to your Fallier in Law s household miss manners sees a touching struggle Between your loyalty to your late Mother in Law and your feelings toward your father in Law. To Many of your generation living together without marriage is acceptable and Only dissembling about in is considered sinful. In an r generation the opposite was True. Living in sin Asil we so interestingly put was considered bad enough but haunting it was an even greater sin. Miss manners does not see Hal that is any More ridiculous than flagrant hone sly. As a matter of fact you did t care much or the virtue of frankness when your father in Law frankly aired his desire to find immediate replacement companionship. Miss manners agrees that this was crude and that in would have been less offensive for him to follow the conventions of mourning anal then announce not Hal he was on the Lookout Lor a woman but Hal he Mel someone he though would make him Happy. Miss manners Hopes that understanding All this will Hauler your tolerance. Anyway the desire to assume the forms of marriage k natural when people love each Oiler. You did in by actually marrying the Man with whom you were living they feeling preventer from doing so at least want the semblance. Dear miss manners we will be having a very formal sit Down wedding reception dinner and i would like to know How to avoid the custom of guests tapping their glasses on the table until my bridegroom and i stand up and kiss. As a guest at other weddings i have found this very annoying when i was trying to carry on a conversation and i think it is disturbing for he Bride and Groom to be interrupted every few minutes to stand up and kiss while they arc trying to cat their meal. How can tills be prevented gentle Reader miss manners finds wedding reception antics especially annoying. In is nol Only the interruptions one quite properly dreads bul the idea of displaying one s affection on demand for the amusement of one s guests. You can make a Point of casually mentioning beforehand to your relatives and friends How silly you have found this custom. Miss manners also suggests you ask key people to interrupt any activity by proposing a Brief Lossl to Pam and Sean would be enough. Forced to choose Between Hilling their lasses and drinking from them enough will choose the latter to muffle the demand. Dear miss manners i am appalled by the crude obscene sexually explicit language one hears in Public today. I resent finding myself a captive audience to inconsiderate tasteless displays. I wish someone would mount a Campaign entered on the polite sincere plea for each of us to use discretion in the Choice of words we use in Public within hearing distance of others. Gentle Reader does no one know How to Register Shock any More miss manners is tired of doing it All herself her face gels tired. When listeners ail to read to what used to be considered provocative language it becomes commonplace. If they overreact they encourage in by making in entirely too much fun. The Correct stance is to turn your head and share at the offender with unblinking eyes but without comment. This avoids the danger of seeming to say i m embarrassed at hearing language rather it says i m embarrassed for june 1, 1989 stripes Magazine
