European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 17, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns the mysterious reasons Why Guys will never Call by Dave Barry Knight Didder newspapers today we re going to explore the mysterious topic of How Guys think which has baffled women in general and the editors of cosmopolitan Magazine in particular for thousands of years. The big question of course is How come Guys never Call after successful dates i mean. You single women out there know what i m talking about. You go out with a Guy and you have a great time and he seems to have a great Lime and at the end of the evening he says quote can i Call you and you interpreting this to mean can i Call you answer sure the instant you say this the Guy s body starts to de materialize. Within a few seconds you can stick a tire Iron right through him and wave it around in a few More seconds he has vanished entirely gone into the mysterious Guy Bermuda Triangle where whole squadrons of your Dales have disappeared Over the years never to be heard from again. Eventually you Start to wonder if there s something wrong with you some kind of emotional hang up or personality defect that your Dales Are detecting. Or possibly foot odor. You Start having Long searching discussions with your women friends in which you say things like he really seemed to like me and i did t feel As though i was putting pressure on him and would you mind strictly As a Friend smelling my feel this is silly. There s nothing wrong with you. In fact you should interpret the behaviour of your Dales As a kind of Guy compliment to you. Because when the Guy asks you if he can Call you. Whal he s really asking you in Guy code is will you marry him. Yes. See your Basic Guy is into a straight ahead Bottom line kind of thought process thai does not work nearly As Well with Hie infinitely Subtle complexities of human relationships As it does with calculating How much gravel is needed to cover a Given driveway. So Here s whal the Guy is thinking if he Calls you you la go out again and you la probably have another great Lime so you la probably go out again and have another great time and so on until the Only possible option will be to get married. This is classic Guy logic. So when you say sure in a Bright and cheery voice you May think you re simply indicating a willingness logo out again but As far As he s concerned you re endorsing a lifetime commitment thai he is quite frankly not ready to make after Only one Dale so he naturally decides he can never see you again. From that Day Forward if he spots you on the Street hell sprint in the opposite direction to avoid the grave risk that the two of you might meet which would mean he d have to ask you if you wanted to ret a cup of Coffee and you might say yes and pretty soon you d be enjoying each other s company again and suddenly a Clergyman would appear at your table and you d have to get married Aie Yeeee you women think this is t , right  Guys out there Are nodding your Heads so my advice for single women is thai if you re on a Date with a Guy you like incl he asks whether he can Call you you should give him a non threatening answer sue has  or i guess so but Bear in mind thai i m a  this will make him comfortable about seeing you again each time gaining the courage to approach you More closely in the manner of a timid easily startled Woodland creature such As a Chipmunk. In a few years if the two of you really clo have common interests and compatible personalities you May reach the Point where hell be willing to take the big step namely eating Granola directly from your hand. No Mailer How close you become however remember this Rule clo not pressure the Guy to share his most sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings with you. Guys Hale this and i la Tell you Why if you were to probe inside the Guy psyche beneath thai Macho exterior and the endless droning about things like the 1978 world series you would find deep Down inside a passionate Heartfelt interest in the 197b world series. Yes. The truth is Guys Don t have any sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings. It s time you women knew All these years you be been agonizing about How to make the relationship work wondering How come he never talks to you worrying about All the anguished emotion he must have bottled up inside and meanwhile he s fretting about How maybe he needs longer Golf spikes. I m sorry to have to Tell you this. Maybe you should become a nun. Anyway i Hope i be cleared up any lingering questions anybody might have regarding Guys As a gender. For some reason i feel compelled to end this with a personal note Heather Campbell if you re Oul there i just want to say thai i had a really Nice Lime taking you to the Junior prom in 19m, and i was a total Jerk for never not once mentioning this fact to you personally. Tolerance of different customs is admirable tradition by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners if you have an unlisted Telephone number and Don t want to give it put How can you respond to somebody who asks for it without giving offence gentle Reader by saying politely i m so sorry but it s impossible to reach me by phone i Don l even have an answering machine. Bui i d love to hear from you and Here s my  miss manners is assuming that the problem is with the Telephone not the individual applicant this will undoubtedly Cut Down on the number of social advances you receive but miss manners believes that people who do not respect other people s need for a peaceful Home life would make bad friends anyway dear miss manners we Are a Young european couple on a two year study program Here. Last week for the first time we had an american couple Over for dinner and we were immediately struck by their curious table manners. As soon As the food was served it appeared that the couple s left arms developed instant paralysis and disappeared in their laps under the table after which their right hands proceeded to Hack away and rearrange in a play like manner the food on their plates. My husband and i were aghast. We had never snared a meal with americans before and this was an Eye opener to say the least. Aren t knife and Fork used in unison in this country As in the rest of the world and As your British forefathers used them do you think this was just a unique occurrence my Mother always had the Rule of keeping both hands on the table while eating. Would it be considered rude for us to continue our table etiquette Al our next encounter or should we convert to eating our meals with americans around like 2-year-Olds? Gentie Reader ii is difficult for miss manners to Tell through the sarcasm with which you relate your observations whether your guests were practising proper american table manners. Hacking away and playing Wilh foot Are rude by american standards but so is keeping he left hand on the table. Miss manners would be surprised to hear that people who Are sticklers for avoiding the latter in these lax times also engage in the former. As visitors in this country you might want to use the Opportunity to learn about american history rather than being aghast. For example not All americans forefathers were British. Those who a Ere practice the Standard British table manners of the time of their arrival which is to say they mostly ale with their knives. The widespread use of the Fork and knife together is a practice that Only became widespread in England in the Early 19th Century and it is no More astonishing that americans use these implements differently than it is that american English is different from Arifeh. There is no need for you to change your table manners while you Are Here. Americans Are a sophisticated and gentle people who do not assume that customs that Are foreign to them must therefore be ugly and childish. Dear miss manners i am 58 years old and have been a widow for 12 years. My three children arc married and on their own. I have recently run into a longtime High school Friend who has never married. He had a widowed Mother who recently died. I went to the Wake and talked Wilh him. He was very Happy 1 came to show my respect and he gave me a few compliments. I would like to ask this Man Oul to get together Over Coffee or lunch but i am shy. I have not been with anyone since my husband. Please suggest what i could do. We do not go to the same Church. He lives on one Side of the City and i on the other. Gentle Reader by confiding that you have not been with anyone since your husband you Are making it Clear to miss manners Hal you regard this gentleman As a prospective Beau. Surely you have been Wilh friends in the Way of Ordinary socializing. Ii was All right to make thai Clear to miss manners who understands but it would be a mistake to do Solo the gentleman. You might frighten him. Oddly it is More flattering to seek someone As a Friend than As a romantic partner. Call him but make it sound More like Delight in an old Friendship than Hopes of something else it was so Good to see you again but under the sad circumstances we did t gel a Chance to reminisce  you might vaguely allude to looking up other classmates together or casually ask whether you could Call the next time you happen to be on his Side of town and entice him out for a cup of Coffee or lunch. Dear miss manners our problem is How to get out of accepting an invitation for a special occasion when the event is out of town Al a summer residence. We know quite a few people who own summer cottages and if an anniversary or birthday comes up arrangements arc made to have a party there rather than in town. Is it improper to refuse an invitation on the grounds thai we do not wish to travel we would enjoy attending if it weren t made so inconvenient. We have found that there is usually not enough room to put up All the people overnight and we have had to pay the extra expense of a hotel room. Gentle Reader miss manners is Happy to oblige you but she requests in return that you consider the situation from the viewpoint of people whose Only crime is to invite you to share a special occasion Al their vacation House. Whal they Are Likely to have been thinking is would t it be fun to have everyone up Here they re stuck in town in All that heat when they could be enjoying themselves up Here with us. Besides that Way we could see them for a weekend instead of just a few  those who do not agree need Only decline the invitations. Being out of town is a Standard excuse for nol attending events in your Hometown and the reverse works  17, 1989 to Fries Magazine