European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 19, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse And family therapy it was a determine who was in charge and Sec slyly was More worthy. Traer Dinally hard alter 30 Lof Esell to a joint Hie when you the it will not outweigh the � an imagined individual life " Ling a new couple is a fight at t Hoso Blics Lul Early Days when is on Best behaviour quickly give instant negotiation arbitration. Ution. And the closer one gets to 1 3yondthe steeper the h la to it therapists and couples a Biating later couples have More Lime to decide who they at they Don t want to be. To figures from the National health statistics and the urea. The average ago Lor a first is crept up Over the past 40 rom to to about 23 Lor women. 22 to about 24 for men this generally higher when both Are Tensional a. Ile maturity May Breed e. It also encourages rigidity. Want to says one 36-year list. You Don t want to please instead of trying live new things. Be. You re not going Lake up i Lobo with the person because break your leg " plus Side individuals lend to 3avy parcel Al baggage and 3ns past 30. And become much live to coupling with their lumber instead of with a clone of s. But in turn they also develop intrusive quirks Gor issues which May have a relationship Al 22, Are replaced Gly Petty concerns about promptness or what to Cook for i dinner he May say Okay. I As much Aboul religion you the kids Catholic " says tin. But you la never hear her say on l bother me at All that he dirty socks around " year old woman who has been rare Man for three years was distraction by his tardiness. Larson by nature she could not and his consistent disregard Lor so she slopped trying. Lind. She decided Hal he was every of her Way considerate l. Intelligent and she realized wanted to maintain the in and her Samly she would solve this without him she ripped waiting for him. Ien they go on vacations she he flight is an hour earlier than ruled departure time. When they theater she gives him his tickets him there he always misses do. And when he s late to pick her apartment she simply Riho oked says Olivia Mellan Ash Glon couples therapist i very healthy thing by 3. Bui there is a sadness Here they did t try 16 meet in the in Ideal is not to change each other but to try to move toward the Middle " a happily married Man of 17 years refers to the Middle ground As a coming to terms with the three c s change Compromise and compartmentalization if iwo people know they Are in for the Long haul they Are Apt to move closer toward the Center. What they can l change or reach agreement on. They simply won t they la each do their own thing or compartmentalize. Consider the outgoing Washington editor in her late thirties and her cell contained consultant Boyfriend she likes to parly and play Tennis a dinner Lor 20 is her idea of a cozy gathering to prefers read no Liolion. Discussing movies and driving to the country activities that generally require at most. Iwo participants. Anything Over four id a Rob to him when i was younger i definitely would have tried to Mold my personality to his she says. I would have gotten heavily into now. Instead she says they have happily compartmentalized some areas he can Walch his movies on the Var while i read non Ilion she says and compromised. I be come to Enoy weekends in the country and sometimes vie stay in town and go out she says ii a works. We bring our own interests into the relationship we re More accepting " and there Are obsessives with similarly narrow views who do find room Lor acceptance and negotiation if everything else seems right. Take the doctor and the businesswoman. He is slight eats Yogurt and rides his exercise Bike every Day food is her Friend and sweat is not in her vocabulary the minute they met while vacationing in Mexico he was compelled to comment on her weight which it should be noted is Quile average. Guess you decided not to lose the 10 pounds everyone else loses Lor he quipped As they ogled each other on a Beach in Mexico. His preoccupation with her Waist continued through their initial rendezvous picked up during the subsequent Long distance courtship and intensified during their engagement. He always brought it up in a lightheaded manner and it was even a subject of a Lew jokes at to rehearsal dinner. She never thought in was funny but she waited until after the wedding and finally exploded. I had had it she says. I told him he was superficial and shallow. To told me i did t care about myself. But when to talked about in i discovered Hal in had to do with an obesity problem in his family not me. He was Peir lied i was going to become fat. So i just said look this is my natural weight. You ust have to accept it. I m nol going to become a close eater " alter two years of marriage they both have changed she makes an Elloul to Walch what she eats and is careful to slay within a Tew pounds of her Ideal weight. And compromised he still comments on her weight but now Only raises the Point by saying How perfect her body is and How much More perfect it could be and compartmentalized he exercises without her. Another Case he was an advertising executive earning six figures but dreamed of helping the underprivileged she was finishing Law school at an expensive University and was anxious to secure their future. A few months into i her marriage he told her he was going to quit his Job and become an inner City social worker. She told him she did t marry an inner City social worker and besides who will pay the mortgage now to say they had different notions Aboul Money is an understatement they sought counselling Money says Olivia Mellan. Is never Aboul just Money. Ii symbolizes other things love Power Security control self Worth Freedom and dependency. If an individual has belief in any of the Money myths it s very difficult to reach agreement unless you discard your the executive Asil turned out was what Mellan Calls a Money avoider and a dreamer. The Law stud sol was a worrier and a Money amassed. In the end the couple determined what their needs were. He really wanted change and a Chance to give his life new meaning she wanted Security. They struck a Compromise they moved to a new cily for change where he continued to work As an executive but also took courses in social work while she finished her last two years of Law school. Upon her graduation he found a Job leaching inner City kids and she joined a High powered Law firm. Mellan says Many couples Are not As fortunate in resolving deep sealed Money differences efficiently. She cites some of the most common Money conflicts in relationships hoarders and spenders she puts every dime in a special Bank and counts her change regularly. He visits the Money machine daily. Mergers and separators he sees the benefits of pooling resources and operating As a unit she tends to feel More secure keeping her checking account in her own name. La s the woman who usually wants to keep her own accounts because her biggest Challenge is not to lose herself while the Man is trying to gel connected by pooling lha says Mellan. Once both people realize there is room Lor monks and amasses he or she marched in 68 and still thinks Money is corrupt and Ralph Nader pays Well she or he graduated from Harvard business school and accepted the highest paying Job upon graduation. Avoid cars and worriers. He has never seen the Power Bill she balances her Check Book every Day the trouble always comes when each person polarizes into the opposite says Mellan. So what i advise my clients to do is practice the non habitual ii they spend. I Tell them to try saving ii Hoy dream. I toll them to think practically by putting themselves in the other person s shoes there usually is a Middle the says Zimmerman is to constantly recall your original love feelings and the Cliel Back Hen Hal you would always work everything out. And then Hope Lily you will amazingly enough there s something about Christmas Trees that creates a Call to arms among new couples How to decorate them what kind to gel Etc. It s the ritual nol the tree says Zimmerman and it s All part of powerful feelings from childhood your vision of How things should be. I be had couples where one person believed you just could t have thanksgiving without a certain kind of Sweet potatoes. Basically you re giving up your youth to share your Holiday with a again As one gets older couples say that maintaining the traditions of their youth becomes less consuming. It look Aboul two minutes to decide we could have both a Crucifix and a Star of David in the House says a Catholic banker married to a jewish real estate Developer. If i want to go to mass. I go to mass ii she wants logo to Temple she goes to Templo. We won t Lei in become larger than another newlywed couple found in sell Al Odds Over How to decorate their first Holiday tree. His family always used tinsel and hers preferred imported delicate things. They ultimately scrapped both styles and invested in some new Glass bulbs. We developed our own tree our own tradition she says. But sadly even when some think they re committed and ready to Compromise they soon discover that no matter How hard they try the Liming is Oil the partner is wrong and the tree is Lake. The retail executive and the television Anchor had been dating nearly a year when the Battle of the Trees occurred. A few weeks Belore Christmas he invited her out to buy a scotch Pine. She said she already had an artificial tree in the basement. He said that s not Christmas. We have to gel a real she said but it s so much work " the tree represented Romance to me he said going out in the Snow and picking out a big tree being a family unit. I could just Picuro our kids carrying it Back with she tried to change but a few Days after they put up the tree she complained Hal the smell was making her sneeze. And that she had to vacuum the Needles off of her carpet was just too much for her to says. She told him never they broke up four months later. Jet Ember 19,1989 the stars and stripes Page 15
