European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - September 21, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns Welcome to air Dave the new stealth airline by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers i m going to Start my own airline. Hay Why not this is America right anybody can have an airline. They even let Donald Trump have ont. He immediately renamed the airline after himself As is his usual Classy practice despite the fact that Trump sounds like the noise emitted by livestock with gastric disorders. Stand Back Earl i think that cow s starting to Trump Well if he can do it i can do it. My airline will be called air Dave. All the planes in my Fleet will utilize state of the Art . Defense department technology thus rendering them this is the key Selling Point invisible to radar. That s right i m talking about a stealth airline. Think about it. If you re a frequent flier you know that the big problem with commercial aviation today is that the planes can be easily detected by air traffic control which is run by severely overstressed people who sit in gloomy rooms drinking Coffee from plastic clips and staring at Little radar screen dots each one representing several Hundred Carefree people drinking rum and Coke at 35,000 feet. Naturally the air traffic controllers become somewhat resentful which is Why they routinely order your Boston to Pillsbur Gri flight to Circle Mexico City until the Caplain reports that the entire second class passenger sector is experiencing overload. The air traffic controllers won t be Able to do that kind of stuff to air Dave. They won t even be aware that an air Dave flight is in the Vicinity until it screams past the control Tower at Mach 2, clearly displaying its laser guided air to lower missiles and requests permission to land immediately. My official spoke sperm will by Span i Enn and air Dave will Ilu everything possible to live up to its motto hey you Only go around air Dave planes will not Park at a Gate. They will taxi directly to the rental car counter. There will be no mutant in flight food served on air Dave flights. At mealtime the Pilot will simply land on an interstate Highway if necessary and take everybody to a decent restaurant. There will be no in flight movies. Instead there will be live bands. And every air Dave flight will feature a complimentary pelting zoo cart. Air Dave will also boast the aviation Industry s finest in flight pranks. For example just after Takeoff the door to the cockpit might accidentally swing open revealing to the passengers that the sole occupant up there cheerfully sniffing the altimeter is an Irish setter named Boomer. All air Dave planes will have skywriting capability. The extra income can t Hurt. After All Well be up there in the sky anyway. Air Dave pilots will be chosen strictly on the basis of How entertaining their names sound when they Are announced Over the Public address system As in first officer Lagram e Weevil or ideally Captain deltoid p. pilots will be encouraged to share their thoughts and feelings with the passengers via regular announcements such As what the Heck does this Little Button to and us of in the event of an in flight emergency a ceiling panel will open up Over each seat and out will pop Tony Perkins to Calm everyone Down. I be Given a lot of thought to the flight attendants. My original idea was to use mimes who would go around pretending to serve beverages Etc. Bui then i got to thinking about an opinion voiced a few months Back by Al Neuharth the brain cell behind Usa , the nation s weather map. You May remember that or. Neuharth wrote a column in which he was highly critical of today s flight attendants whom he described As aging women and flighty Young and quite frankly i think he has a Point which is Why All the flight attendants on air Dave will be hired on the basis of looking As much As possible like the ultimate human physical specimen Al Neuharth. Assuming we can find anybody that Short. The preflight safely lecture on air Dave will consist of five minutes of Harmonica instruction. Passengers will also be notified that under Federal aviation administration regulations anyone requesting a Lite Beer will be ejected Over Utah. Finally air Dave pilots will have standing orders to Moon the concorde. So that s the air Dave master plan. On behalf of Caplain hams Erlicker and the Crew of Neuharth clones let me say thai it s been a real pleasure having you read the column today. And remember under the air Dave frequent flier program if you log just 25,000 Miles Well let you off the plane. Restaurant failed twice to meet diner s standards by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners a super deluxe restaurant just opened in our suburban area and i joined a Friend for lunch there. It was a Buffet meal and the presentation was excellent. The High Cost would have been fair if the food had been Good but it was less than acceptable. I wrote and told the owner the Good Points and the bad Points of the meal. He in turn thanked me for an insightful letter of complaint and assured me he was making the necessary corrections. He invited us Back for a complimentary visit. We returned. Trie soup was hot instead of less than tepid but still tasteless and we did not notice any other major improvements. When he arrived at our table to ask How we liked the lunch i responded it was very Nice i just could t say what i thought it would have taken too Long. I asked some friends about this later. Two said they would have told him frankly i found no two would have replied As i did. We arc All awaiting your reply. Gentle Reader miss manners approves what you did. Although it is perfectly All right and even useful for customers to Register their dissatisfaction with commercial establishments you had moved from being customers to sort of guests. She suggests you give up on this restaurant. They presumably tried their Best and their Best does not meet your standards. Continuing to offer criticisms which incidentally May not reflect Universal standards there Are no absolutes in matters of taste seems useless in this ins Laiu e. Dear miss manners my current Job is my first real Job since i finished College and although i still like my company and enjoy the Type of work that we do i May be moving on soon. When i leave i am considering buying a Small gift for each of my two Bosses from the past couple of years. Both have been very supportive and fun to work with and t thought a gesture of this sort would be More appropriate than just a firm handshake and the Promise to keep in touch although that Promise would certainly be a sincere one. Is there anything wrong with doing this gentle Reader yes. Miss manners recognizes that you mean Well but there is everything wrong Wilh the practice of giving presents in the business world. They Are an intrusively personal touch almost bound to be inappropriate since you do nol know these people in a personal Way. What would be gracious and appropriate is n letter telling your Bosses exactly what you told miss manners about Elliern. Surh letters which Are rare would be More Gratifying to them. Dear miss manners 11 am a divorced woman. When i am invited to a wedding birthday party or other special occasion the invitation is often addressed to me and a is it customary for the guest to pay some of the expenses such As for his dinner or for the gift i assume that since he is my guest i do not expect him to pay for anything. However what if he asks or wants to contribute in he card if i am paying for the monetary gift that is enclosed do i sign my name Only or do i write his name too although he made no contribution docs he also write in the guest Book since i am inviting him to go to the parly with me is it customary for me to pick him up since i m going there anyway gentle Reader you Are asking for rules on a practice that miss manners considers wrong. Inquiring of one s friends who is thai charming Man you be been seeing so Aslo invite him by name is one thing giving one s guests two slots each the other to be filled however that person wishes is another. The result is that occasions thai should be celebrated by intimates Are half populated by strangers. Now that miss manners has gotten that off her Chest she will address the reality of the Sti Lunation. Yes the gentleman is your guest and should nol be asked to pay anything or to buy a present for a stranger. Who drives whom is a matter of convenience. However As he is attending his name should appear with yours in the guest Book. That Al least gives his hosts a Chance to find out afterwards who he is. Dear miss manners does etiquette dictate that one has to Send a thank you note to people from whom one received a get Well or condolence card just a card not Flowers or a gift gentle Reader etiquette does nol dictate a response to a card merely signing one s name to a reprinted message is a very Small Courtesy. However Friendship might dictate doing this if you happen to know that a card rather than a personal note or letter is the chief Way the other person communicates. Dear miss manners at a wedding reception i attended the bridegroom took off the Bride s Garter with his Teeth. Is this considered inappropriate wedding etiquette is it considered appropriate for the Bride to sit on the Best Man s Lap while the Groom takes off the Bride s Garter gentle Reader you know the answer and the people doing these things Don t care. So Why spoil miss manners Day it s limes like this that make her wonder Why she went into etiquette instead of something easy such As teaching canaries to talk. September 21,1989 stripes Magazine 3
