European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 11, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns Winner suggests shocking Way to trim the deficit by Dave Barry Knight Riddett today we announce the winners in our big deficit reduction contest in which we asked you the Ordinary taxpaying citizens who make up the Backbone and Pelvic Structure of this great nation to come up with helpful suggestions for getting rid of the Pesky Federal budget deficit. As you know our congressperson have been unable to work on this because they be been Busy passing an ethics Bill under which we re going to pay them More Money in Exchange for which they re going to try to have some ethics. I think this is a terrific concept and if it works with Congress we should also try it with other ethically impaired groups such As the criminally insane. Speaking of whom you readers did a Heck of a Job responding to the deficit contest. My office floor is covered with thousands of contest entries carefully arranged in Mounds and in Many cases welded together with dog spit supplied by my two research assistants Earnest and Zippy who were a big help. You readers really came through proving once again that when the american people decide to get involved in a problem it is Best not to let them have Sharp implements. Quite frankly Reading Between the lines i detected a certain amount of hostility in these entries especially the ones proposing a nuclear strike on the . Capitol. Some hostility was also directed toward me. In some versions of my original contest column i had proposed in a lighthearted manner that we reduce the deficit by Selling unnecessary states such As Oklahoma to the this caused a number of to Send in letters containing Many correctly spelled words and making the Central lighthearted Point that i am a Jerk. They also sent me official literature stating that Oklahoma has enormous quantities of culture in the form of Ballet Oral Roberts Etc., and that the stale reptile i am not making this up is something called the Mountain so i apologize to Oklahoma. As a Token of my sincerity i m willing to sell my stale Florida to the japanese assuming nobody objects to the fact that Japan would suddenly become the most heavily armed nation on Earth. But most of the hostility in the entries was directed toward our elected Federal officials. This is especially True of the winning entry submitted by Geoffrey Braden of Seattle wash., whose idea is that we convert the Federal budget deficit to electrical voltage the bigger the deficit the higher the voltage and then run the current through our congressperson. Geoffrey recommended thai we run the current through a specific Section of the congressional Anatomy that i will not identify Here except to say that besides eliminating the deficit this proposal would put a real Dent in All these sex scandals Geoffrey therefore wins the big Cash prize consisting of All the pennies in my closet coppers with an estimated Street value of $23 million if put into paper sleeves which will never happen. Speaking of pennies about a thousand of you suggested that we eliminate the deficit by sending All our accumulated hateful Penny deposits to the government. This is a Brilliant idea except for one minor flaw it s stupid. What it boils Down to is giving the government More Money which of course the government would immediately convert into things like accordion subsidies. Others of you had excellent ideas for increasing government Revenue such As a $ 10 million roman numeral tax on movies. For example rambo in would Cost Stalone $40 million. I m not sure whether reducing the number of movie sequels would be a Side Benefit or the main de Goodman Waterbury Conn Fine people $50,000 for each unnecessary education related letter attached to the end of their names. For example Robert h. Monotone b.a., m.b.a., . Would be fined $400,000 Ron Dicesare Troy Mich the . Government should sell its secrets directly to the russians and Cut oui the Leslie Price Hibbing Minn rent the stealth bomber out for Jimmy Muth Haverstraw . Sell live film footage of George Bush showering with his Leslie Gorman fort Worth Texas Mug Kyle Kelly of Dubuque Iowa and Mike Orsburn of Gainesville Texas we also got a lot of suggestions that we do not 100 percent understand but that we Are presenting Here As a reminder of the importance of remembering to take our prescription medication make Deer Legal on Hunner Tsugue . Arbitrarily and capriciously eliminate every other word in government George Garklavs Golden Colo sell manure All kinds at North and South Sharon Rice Oologah okla substitute politicians for Road Steven Lenoff Deerfield Beach Fla i have a secret plan. Make me president and i la Tell Richard Nixon you Wacky readers i love you All but please stay away from my Housel All kidding aside the time has come for us to work together on this deficit thing. What can you do you can write to your congressperson. Tell him that you re fed up with government irresponsibility. Tell him you Don t want excuses. Tell him you want action. Tell him these Are going to be very Sharp electrodes. Adults first Rule is appropriate at family luncheon by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners at an informal family luncheon with Nice but simple Buffet the hostess placed the food on the table and then announced it � ready. Everyone help one of the children picked up a paper plate and proceeded to fill it. Immediately the hostess pulled him out of the line and said adults All my life i be seen parents helping the kids fix their plates so the grown could eat in peace. I be observed that one of the relatives who was present has now picked up on this adults first approach. To me a guest is a guest no matter what age race Etc. Please respond gentle Reader race is not a Factor in etiquette age is. As a matter of fact age is becoming even More of a Factor in matters of precedence As gender becomes less of one. An adults first Rule in such circumstances As you describe is appropriate and it is Well that these children learn this now. Of course if adults care to yield their precedence As your parents and their contemporaries often did in the interests of peace that is their privilege. An interesting Side question is whether the Young people s status As guests whose Rud Nesses must be tolerated in silence overrides their position As relatives. In a Friendly atmosphere a hostess can gently admonish not Only her own children but their close relatives with i insinuating that they were badly brought up. This is a delicate matter however and should be undertaken with care. Dear miss manners How do i politely and honestly Tell my Friend that i would rather have More Homework than go Over to her House i like her. It s just that i see her and talk to her every single Day and i like another girl better. Gentle Reader among the things one never explains to a Friend Are that one sees too much of her already one likes someone else better and one prefers Homework to her company. Fortunately explanations Are unnecessary. The Junior version of of i m so sorry i d love to but i simply can to is drat i can the hearer is left to assume that the speaker has been imprisoned by vile parents. Dear miss manners i have a question about the propriety of using chipped and worn dishes and serving pieces at dinner parties. Is it acceptable to set a table for guests with a few Small chips showing in the dinnerware but not the glassware ? some years ago we would never have dreamed of doing so but with time there is More and More damage and erosion. The items in question acquired 25 to 30 years ago when we first set up a household would be prohibitively expensive to replace if indeed replacements Are available. We Are far from being poor but the replacement Cost has gone up much More rapidly than our income. Gentle Reader miss manners is of the school that delicately shuns anything too obviously new and perfect. Provided that your plates Are not in danger of shedding pieces in the food snagging anyone s fingers or giving up during the Middle of a meal miss manners classifies them As the family China which in a genteel family looks used. Dear miss manners we received a Christmas card from a couple who live in the City where we lived five years ago. The Man is a lawyer who worked on a minor Case for my husband and played Tennis with him a few times. The card was a word processed letter from the wife that greeted i dear Tim Alice and Tim it summarized what the family did last year. It gave us details of his Tennis schedule he plays sundays at 6 on the Cape with the new a pair the weekly schedule of the older child grandmother dressing up at halloween and greeting them with hot chocolate and the younger child s first step. I read the letter with disbelief. Why would these people want Mere acquaintances to know of their family life in such detail i have Learned that letters like these Are part of a trend. Do we respond How do i get off their automated mailing list gentle Reader Why indeed when there is no proper audience for such mailings friends who care about family activities deserve better and Mere acquaintances deserve to be spared. Miss manners must inform you that this is no new trend. The mimeographed Christmas letter has been around for Many years Only the technology is new. However when those splotches purple missives had to be hand addressed the senders would maintain a Check list. Thus it was possible to be dropped from the list after two or three years of failure to respond. From an automated mailing list even death May not spare you. A inquiry 11, 1990 Tori put Mig Zine 3
