European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 31, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                When a child s pal is in trouble if a child is in trouble his friends May cease to be his Friend. By Lawrence Kutner new York times few things test children More than having a Friend who is in trouble. The problem May be drugs pregnancy illness or difficulties at Home. Deciding if and How to help someone cuts to the heart of some of the most powerful issues of child and adolescent development empathy loyalty and responsibility. The ways in which children approach such situations can give insight into their emotional growth. The degree to which they involve their parents a or fail to involve them a May reveal much about that relationship As Well. The reactions of a child to a Friend who is having problems change markedly at different Ages. Preschoolers and some Early elementary school children have trouble distinguishing Between doing something bad and being someone bad. They live in a world with simple rules. Princesses Are assumed to be Beautiful and kind witches Are always ugly and evil. Young children have difficulty imagining a kind Witch or an evil Princess for they expect consistency in people s Behaviours appearances and relationships. Because of this there is Little sense of loyalty among children As old As 7 or 8. They tend to be relatively Quick to discontinue a Friendship with someone who is in trouble. If the Friend s behaviour is bad or if that child s family situation is bad they feel the Friend is probably bad As Well. Changing a relationship with a Friend May be the first sign parents see of a Young child s concern Over what is happening to that Friend. Preschoolers and slightly older children Seldom voice their worries the Way teen agers and adults do Quot Young children Are not As capable of directly expressing their fears and  said or. James e. Dobbins a director of the Duke Ellis human development Institute at Wright state University in Dayton Ohio. Quot if the issues Are Large they la act them out through such things As sleep disturbances and changes in  for adolescents having a Friend in trouble can cause concern and befuddlement. By this age children often have Strong feelings of loyalty toward their friends. This sense of loyalty can conflict with their desire to be helpful for they May have difficulty interpreting a Friend s unusual behaviour As a sign of a problem. Gerald e. Harris a psychologist and head of the child family unit of the University of Houston psychological research and services Center recently saw a 13-year-old boy whose close Friend had become involved in a cult. Quot they boy was very confused about his Friend Quot Harris said. Quot he did t know whether to disassociate himself from the Friend or try to help him in some Way. Younger children have less of a sense of loyalty and Are More interested in protecting  it is paradoxical that self cent redness increases at the same time teen agers grow in their ability to empathize with other people. Self cent redness leads adolescents to be More concerned about some problems than others. Children this age Are acutely sensitive to the opinions of not just their Peers and families but of strangers As Well. For Many it is As if they Are performing their lives in front of an invisible audience. Quot if the Friend is embarrassing them they re More Likely to become  said or. David Elkind a professor of child study at Tufts University in Medford mass. Quot they think it reflects on them it s As if they had done it  this close identification with their friends makes Many adolescents Loath to discuss such problems with their parents if they feel the parents will be critical of the troubled Friend even if they do bring up the topic either directly or obliquely they May quickly change the subject or feign indifference to what their parents say. Quot it s difficult for parents to keep communicating with their children about such problems when they appear not to be listening Quot Harris said. Quot but that s simply a reflection of the children a  How parents can handle the situation new York times children who have friends in trouble will watch their parents and other adults reactions closely As they begin to broach the subject. They need to know what is acceptable for them to feel and do especially if this is the first time they have been in this situation. This is especially important if the friends troubles Are common knowledge. There Are several things that parents can do to help their children handle these situations a talk about the Friend s problem. Quot if parents Don t bring up the topic it gives your child a very powerful message about your not wanting to Deal with it Quot said or. Robert b. Brooks the director of child psychology training at Mclean Hospital in Belmont mass., and an assistant professor of psychology at the Harvard medical school. Quot it s better to ask them what they think and if you Don t know what to say admit that Quot he continued. Quot remember that you Don t have to solve the problem for them Quot a look for ways to give your child permission to talk to you sometimes children find it too stressful to talk to a Parent about a Friend s troubles. This is often the Case when an adolescent is raped or becomes pregnant. Quot even if your child won t talk to you about the problem you can talk to another adult about it in the presence of your child Quot advised or. Sylvia s. Hacker an associate professor of Community health at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor who specializes in teen age sexuality. This allows the child to gather information without risking embarrassment or criticism. Quot he or she will usually find some Way to hang around and listen Quot Hacker said. Quot it can be much less threatening to a teen Ager to get information this  a if you do talk directly to your child about the problem be sensitive to the tone of your discussion Quot it s very easy for teen agers to feel that an adult is lecturing to them Quot Brooks said Quot ask your child ahead of time to Tell you if you sound like you re preaching at  a remember that children May use a Friend s troubles to test How you feel about them. A Don t reject your children s friends because they re having a difficult time Quot said or. James e Dobbins a director of the Duke Ellis human development Institute at Wright state University in Dayton Ohio. A kids take that very personally and May interpret it As a sign that you would reject them if they did something  ary31,1990 stars and stripes Page 15