European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 15, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columnists ants might Cook but surely not with microwaves by Dave Barry r new Papor today s practical topic or modern homemakers is useful camling tips. Cooking is one of the major cultural achievements along Wilh Golf that separate human beings from . Animals Don t Cook. When they encounter something that might be food they just Snork it Down. My editor s dog Clementine once ate aquarium gravel without even heating it up. Some scientists believe that ants might Cook. The reasoning is  in you look Al the kinds of culinary treasures that worker ants Are always scuttling off with such As dead bees and worm Heads and filth encrusted to lairs fragments you have to say to yourself As a scientist surely they re not going to eat  stuff raw Leech the theory is that maybe in one of their secret underground tunnels the ants have a Kitchen facility staffed by temperamental chef ants wearing Little Dorky White hats and communicating by angrily waving their feelers. You morons i said fresh worm Heads. Unfortunately we cannot prove this because ants Are very difficult to study. I Learned this last Christmas when my son got one of those educational ant farms the kind where you put some ants inside and they dig in the Sand and educate your child until he eventually gets a full scholarship to Harvard. Finding the ants was no problem. Our House has received the coveted four Star rating from the worldwide ant directory of places to infest and we quickly attracted a whole Squadron of them by using an old Indian trick wherein you smear a glob of smucker s grape Jelly on your Patio and when an ant gels into the Blob you simply grab in and plop it into your farm. Unfortunately it turns out that the particular Brand of ants we have on our Patio does not respond Well to being grabbed so instead of being educational they d just lie on top of the Sand encased in Jelly twitching. My son was concerned about this but fortunately i was Able As an aware Parent to explain the situation in sensitive ecological terms. These Are ants i explained we hate them  this is not to suggest by the Way thai i have anything against smucker s products. A Contrare. Once at a bar Mitzvah i met a Man whose Iff was saved by a Jar of smucker s Strawberry preserves. I am not making this up. He was returning from the store with the preserves Jar in a bag stuck inside his Coal and a mugger attempted to Stab him and the Jar deflected the knife thus saving Liis life. He wrote a letter about this to the smucker s company which sent him a whole Case of Strawberry preserves. I hot he looks ridiculous carrying it around inside his Coal but at least he s Safe. And safety is always the no. 1 topic when you re talking about useful cooking tips which As you May recall is what we re doing Here. According to the Institute for consumer alarm your Kitchen is one of the most fatal places in your Home. The no. 1 cause of Kitchen death of course is ending an entire tube of Pillsbury s chocolate Chip cookie dough raw. Nobody Ever takes the Lime to heat it up. More than two thirds of the total world production of cookie dough is consumed right at the Pillsbury factory the floors of which Are littered Wilh the bodies of moaning dough bloated workers. Also the Odds Are that your Kitchen contains targe quantities of microwaves which let s Stop kidding ourselves Are deadly atomic radiation. Look at the evidence. Years ago the electricity Industry purchased vast quantities of deadly atomic radiation for use in nuclear Power plants Many of which had to be shut Down for safely reasons when nearby gardens started producing 400-Pound Zucchini. So the electricity Industry was Sturk with All this excess radiation and suddenly conveniently they come out with this new Miracle appliance that does t gel hoi but can Cook a hot dog in 30 seconds and cause an egg kids Don t try this at Home to actually explode. We re supposed to believe that nil this is made possible by microwaves Friendly and harmless Ozzie Nelson Type rays that we re not supposed to worry about even though they Are capable of easily penetrating a convenience store Burrito that you could t Cut with a razor edged Machete. Next time you re in the department store microwave Section take a close look at the salespersons sports jackets and try to think of a Way you could obtain mutant colors or for that Mailer salespersons like those without exposure to massive amounts of atomic radiation. This is Why lop Home economists recommend that you limit your food preparation activities to the two Basic food groups namely 1 takeout and 2 delivery. And if you must go into a Kitchen you should carry a protective Jar of smucker s Brand Strawberry preserves although i should Point out in Case the smucker s people thoughtfully decide to Send me a gift in Exchange for mentioning their name 10 limes counting these smucker a smucker a smucker that i myself am a Boysenberry Man. It s time for husband to Cut Contact with sex flame by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i recently married a wonderful Man after a whirlwind Romance. We married Only seven months from the Day we met. About a year before we met my husband broke up with his last Girlfriend after dating her seriously for five years. During our engagement this woman would Call my Fiance at work o Lee if he was interested in visiting her and would write him letters at his place of employment. These Calls did t Stop after our marriage. She was not invited to our wedding but the knew we had married. My husband is polite when she Calls but never returns her Calls or writes to her. I Don t believe there is anything More he can do. Recently we were invited to a Welcome Home party for a Friend of my husband and his sex Girlfriend was there. I wish we had t gone. This woman was openly rude. She would t talk with us and if my husband told a joke she would frown and fold her arms. If she caught me looking at her she would give me a Stony look and walk away. She kept drawing away other people i talked to. And she talked loudly to All who would listen about herself and my husband and All the memories she had. I Felt i did t make a Good impression on my husband s friends because of this. I did not attempt to confront her or acknowledge her actions. Should i have tried to show her that i would t take such treatment if i must attend another function with this woman should i Lake the abuse or treat her the same Way the latter i believe would make me look As bad As her. I have thought about calling her or asking my husband to Tell her next time she Calls to leave him alone. Should i do this or let it drop gentle Reader it is miss manners opinion thai you must have made a very Good impression on your husband s friends. No doubt they were spellbound by watching this person s outrageous behaviour most of the evening and were conscious Only that you did not respond to provocation. Surely you do not want to make them believe thai your poor husband chose two such people in a Row. Calling her would be a mistake. The desire for revenge seems to be the emotional mainstay of her life now and you do not want to feed it by a confrontation. However your husband s position is different. It seems to miss manners to be High Lime he politely told this person to Stop annoying him. Dear miss manners my Boyfriend and i went to visit some friends for the weekend and upon our arrival we both had to use the bathroom facilities. He used the toilet first. Later that evening i took him aside and reminded him to be careful not to leave the toilet seat up As he had earlier. I told him hat it was rude. Not wanting to be an ignorant guest he made a conscious Effort to put the lid Down for the rest of the weekend. But whenever he is in my apartment he leaves the toilet lid up and it irritates me. He knows it bothers me and we have argued Over whether a Guy should put he lid Back or not. He says that he does half the work by raising it and i should do my share by lowering it. I guess i d really be overworking him if i asked him to put both lids Down. What is the etiquette of the toilet does it matter whose House you arc in a male s or a females i can live Wilh this idiosyncrasy if i m just being Overly Picky but i need to know what is right. Gintle Reader Vii manners Hopes you Are not thinking of Fri Jar ing Liis gentleman. Aside from the fact that he tires so easily he has a very Peculiar sense of etiquette. Ii is not toilet etiquette to which she is referring although both lids do belong Down. Thai Way you both have lifting and lowering to do although he will be dealing with the double weight of two lids Bui what about the etiquette of intimacy Don t you wonder Why he continues a practice thai regardless of any arguments about fairness he knows annoys you when he is willing to be considerate of others dear miss manners my significant other and i have been together for two years and i would t say it s out of the question that we get married. We Are in our mid-40s, jointly own a House and Are Happy to have settled Down after the lifestyles we had As Semi attached singles. I know her history and she knows mine. She was engaged to a graduate student when she was in College spent a few years being depressed after she found him with her Roommate and had the usual Type of affairs with co workers a married Man a neighbor with the usual disappointments. She says i am different and she is grateful enough to be easily pleased. Of course that makes her comfortable to live with. The problem is that lately especially when we talk about getting married she has been trying to get me to declare that she is the love of my life. I really do love her but she knows about a passionate affair i had 10 years ago with someone who died in a Freak Accident. She was not an easy woman to get along with but i was crazy about her. I d have to Call her the love of my life. Can you Tell me How to answer that question honestly without inflicting pain on a Nice lady gentle Reader miss manners is surprised Ihal she has to inform you that the answer to the question of whether this lady is the love of your life is yes think about in. Feb retry is 1990 stripes mag joint