European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - March 15, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse Columnists an american household answers the Call of duty by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers there tomes a time in the life of every american citizen when duty Calls. Quot hey you Quot Are usually duly a exact words and unless you re some kind of Flag desecrating Pervert you re going to stand up As americans have stood up for Mere than 200 years and you re going to say Quot yes i am willing to be counted. Yes i will participate in the Arbitron nationwide television ratings i answered duty s Call one recent afternoon. The Telephone rang and it was a person informing me that i had been selected to be an Arbitron household based on an exhaustive screening process consisting of being at Home when my number was dialled at random. As you can imagine i was deeply moved. Quot do i get any Money a i asked. The reason i asked is that a couple of years ago i was a Nielsen ratings household and All they paid me was two Lousy dollars yet they wanted me to write Down every program i watched which was virtually impossible because i m a Guy and therefore i generally watch 40 programs at once. Guys you see Are biologically capable of keeping track of huge numbers of programs simultaneously by changing the Channel the instant something Boring happens such As dialogue. Women however because of a tragic genetic flaw feel compelled to watch Only one program at a time the Way people did Way Back in the Middle Ages before the invention of Remote control even to dinners. Anyway it turns out that two Lousy Hollars is also All you get for being an Arbitron household. Bui i agreed to be one anyway because let s face it when anybody connected with the television Industry asks you to do something no matter How stupid degrading it is you do it. That s Why people Are willing to openly discuss their secret bodily problems in commercials that Are seen by the entire nation. When they go out to dinner Large celebrity worshipping crowds gather to stare and Point and whisper excitedly it each other Quot look it s Elston quadrant Hemo Rhoid sufferer Quot at least those people get paid which is More than you can say for the people who go on the syndicated television talk shows and seek to enhance Public understanding of various tragic psychological disorders by candidly revealing that they Are total wac mobiles Quot i m Geraldo Rivera and these men Are commercial airline pilots with live guppies in their shorts. Well hear from them after this. So i figured the least i could do for television was to become an Arbitron household a commitment that involves two major responsibilities 1. Keeping track of what you watch on to. 2. Lying about it. At least that s what i did i lied about it. I imagine most people do. Because let s face it just because you watch a certain show on television that does t mean that you want to admit it. Let s say you re flipping through your 9,479 Cable channels and you come across a program called bugs Tor atone wherein they bring out a Large live insect and the contestants set reply write Down tilt minimum amount of Money they would have to be Given to oat it and whichever out has the lowest bid has to actually do it. Admit it you would watch this program. In fat i right now you re saying to yourself quote Ley i wonder what Channel that s unfortunately at present the show is still in the conceptual stage. Its based on an idea from my editor Gene Weingarten who has publicly stated that he would eat a live adult South i Lorida cockroach average weight 1 1 pounds Lor $20,000. My Point is that you d Walth this program but you would t toll Arbitron about it. You d claim you watched a National geographic special with a name like the amazing world of beets. In my Arbitron diary i wrote that our entire household including Earnest who is legally a dog mainly watched the network news whereas in fact the Only remotely educational programming we watched that week was a commercial for oat bran which by the Way is clearly no More intended for human consumption than insects Are. Speaking of which Here is a late bulletin my wife a this is the wonderful thing about free Enterprise Lias considered Gene Weingarten a bid and announced that she would eat a live adult cot Roach Lor just $2,000. It you sincerely feel you can boat that Price drop me a line in care of this newspaper because i d like to produce a Pilot episode of if bugs for Money with an Eye toward Call me a cultural Pioneer advancing the frontiers of my miserly annual income i would also appreciate your lowest Price on eating a no poisonous but hair covered spider. Thank sister deserve thanks for caring for mom by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners a my Mother is an invalid and is living with me for two months. She will then live with my sister for two months. While Mother is Here my sister will come to my House maybe three times a week and help Bathe her give her a meal and medication and even stay with her so that my husband and i can go out. Sometimes when my sister is Here i stay Home and clean and sometimes i just stay Home and relax. My sister and i Are both Active women and after o Ier s Bath etc., we Don t enjoy sitting around 0ng nothing so my sister has sometimes dusted a room folded laundry while i have been Here t i?"1-16 ouse w n do the same for my sister when Mother is staying at her Home. A Ritko i 1ark her when she just takes care of our. am always grateful when someone does me m ver App rec it Active when she does in me and i always say Quot thank you Quot at those 1 ican seem to say Quot thank you Quot for caring Zivin a for feeding her bathing her on in a met location staying with her when we her ski can a Hank you Quot for something that is ligation just As it is mine. Voi m 11 pm Las 1 Don t just say Quot thank Timi Etc ?.r. Quot Elp and be done with it but at these p i no ii won t come out. I m not being Petty am said a uti ap�los2e to my sister for the times i Haven t thank you Quot if you say i am wrong. Bader a you and your sister sound like m my i a 1 people that miss manners hesitates to 1 Vou about the use of Quot thank however etiquette does not agree that the use of that phrase is limited to acknowledging favors. If your Mother is Able to thank you for being such a Good daughter. Miss manners trusts that you do not Dampen the sentiment by pointing out that what you do is merely your daughterly duty. It is a great encouragement to everyone even in the Clear performance of duty to be appreciated. However you need not specifically do it by saying Quot thank you Quot for the specific tasks your sister performs for your Mother miss manners does t want to cram words in your Mouth that won t come out. Surely however you would t mind saying something like Quot Mother is so Lucky to have you. You re so Good to her and i feel Lucky to have you As a miss manners promises that those same words will quickly be addressed to you. Dear miss manners a my mate and i recently gave an open House a the first party in our new Home a to which perhaps 40 people were invited. Several of our guests brought gifts. These items ranged from bottles of wine to More extravagant items that indicated that considerable thought had been devoted to their selection. When after the party we opened the packages we found that none of the guests had included cards. Comparing notes on who arrived with the red Box the bag from a particular department store has not solved our problem. Can you suggest a Way to express our gratitude an unspecific letter to each guest seems inappropriate especially since Only a few of them brought gifts. Gentle Reader a there is an etiquette lesson Here for guests As Well As this tip for hosts keep a Pencil by the door during Large parties that might inspire presents so that the donor s name can be surreptitiously scribbled on a package that will properly be opened later so As not to Embarrass guests who did t bring anything. Miss manners would also like to take the Opportunity to remind people not to take presents to weddings but to Send them with cards of course to the Bride s couple s House. This is not strictly relevant to your problem Asil is not improper in bring something to such an informal occasion As an open House. But miss manners has heard too Many similar stories As Well As worse ones about stolen presents to pass up the Opportunity. None of this solves your delicate problem of probing for your benefactors while not seeming to Pul others on the spot for not having brought anything. Presumably All your guests Are your Good friends you would t have invited them. I bus miss manners suggests you invite them All soon again not necessarily to a similar Large event but in smaller groups and Tell your sad Story in general terms As it discussing those not present. Perhaps the givers will be inspired to identify themselves dear miss manners a i would like to know the status of a three times married lady in regard to her first and second husband s family. Does she always remain a sister in Law to the siblings of her previous mates is she now Only .1 member and sister in Law in he family of her present husband gentle Reader it depends on Llie people to whom she is talking. A lady who is fond other previous in Laws is tree to assure them that she ill always consider them her dear relatives. She must never do in in the hearing of her present husband any of his relatives. To them she never says Quot Well i still t consider her my sister in Law Quot hut something like this Quot after All Mary i of is the children s aunt and i feel that i should keep up with her for their Sake Quot it is also not Nice to compete with a former husband s present wife for the attention of be inlays. Unless she knows that her Suc Cessor wholeheartedly welcomes her at family gatherings she must politely dec lint any such invitations and arrange to see the people privately. With these guidelines. Miss manners encourages c civility among those who used to be related and Are still bound by the elms. Though they May be no longer related Quot in Law Quot such people Tan be c Legori de is Quot optional relatives Quot Quot relative s on e1 March is 1990 stripes Magazine 3
