European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - March 29, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns Bowling a fun for everyone a even ponch the dog Knight Ridder newspapers if you re looking for a sport that offers both of the surgeon general s two recommended key elements of athletic activity a namely 1 rental shoes and 2 Beer a then you want to take up Bowling. I love to bowl. I even belong to a Bowling team the pin Worms. We have shirts and everything. How Good Are we i Don t wish to brag but we Are highly ranked in the world Bowling association standings under the heading Quot severely modern science has been baffled in its efforts to predict what will happen to a Ball that has been released by a member of the pin Worms. Will it sail. Through the air for a few dozen feet and then slam Down on the Lane creating a two foot Crater will it veer into the Lane beside us will it Fly backward into the crowd of spectators the strategic air come routinely tracks our Bowling balls on radar in Case one of them threatens a major population Center and has to be destroyed with the thing is we have fun. That s what i like about Bowling you can have fun even if you stink unlike in say Tennis. Every decade or so i attempt to play Tennis and it always consists of 37 seconds of actually hitting the Ball and two hours of Yelling Quot hey where did that Ball go Quot with Bowling however once you let go of the Ball it s no longer your Legal responsibility. They have these wonderful machines that find it for you and Send it right Back. Some of these machines can also keep score for you. In the Bowling Alley of tomorrow there will even be machines that Wear rental shoes and throw the Ball Down the Lane for you. Your sole function will be to drink Beer. Besides convenience Bowling offers drama. I recently witnessed an extremely dramatic shot by a Young person named Madeline age 3, who is cute As a Button but much smaller. We were in the 10th Frame and Madeline had frankly not had a Good game in the sense of knocking Down any of the pins or even getting the Ball to go All the Way to the end of the Lane without stopping. So on her last turn she got up there and her daddy put the Ball Down in front of her and she pushed it with both hands. Nothing appeared to happen but if you examined the Ball with sensitive scientific instruments you could determine that it was actually rolling. We All watched it anxiously. Time passed. The Ball kept rolling. Neighbouring bowlers stopped to watch. The Ball kept rolling. Spectators started Drifting in off the Street. To news Crews arrived. A half dozen communist governments fell. Still Madeline s Ball kept rolling. Finally incredibly it reached the pins and in the world s first live slow motion replay knocked them All Down. Of course by then Madeline was a grown woman with children of her own but it was still very exciting. For real Bowling excitement however you can t beat ponch the Bowling dog. I m not making ponch up he holds the rank of German Shepherd in the Miami police department and he bowls in Charity tournaments. He uses a special ramp built by his partner k-9 officer Bill Martin. Bill puts the Ball on the ramp then ponch jumps up and knocks the Ball Down the ramp with his Teeth. It looks very painful but ponch loves it. He loves it so much that As soon As the Ball starts rolling he wants to get it Back so he starts sprinting Down the Lane after it Barking his feet flailing wildly around cartoon style on the Slick Wood. That of course is a serious violation of the rules a especially since ponch refuses to Wear rental shoes a but nobody is Brave enough to Tell ponch. When ponch is about Halfway Down the Lane he suddenly sees his Ball disappear into the machinery so he whirls around and flails his Way Back to the a 11 return Tunnel where he Sticks his head Down into the Hole Barking furiously knowing that his Ball is in there somewhere demanding that it be returned immediately and then suddenly a wham a there it is hitting ponch directly in the face at approximately 40 Miles per hour and he could not be happier. He is overjoyed to see his Ball again because that Means officer Bill is going to put it on the ramp and ponch can hit it with this Teeth again Hurrah not Only is ponch a lot of fun to watch but he s also very naive about scoring so you can cheat. Quot sorry ponch Quot you can say. Quot i scored 5,490 in that last game so you owe me a million hell just wag his Tail. Money Means nothing to him. But touch his Ball and hell rip out your woman had every right to keep her seat by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners a i am pregnant. I was returning Home from work on a packed subway during Rush hour the other Day and i was feeling nauseated. When a kind rider offered me her seat i said Quot thank you very much Quot and accepted. I was Reading my newspaper when a few stops later i heard the woman next to me offer someone her seat. I looked up and saw that she was speaking to an elderly woman. The elderly woman refused the seat. The woman sitting next to me said Quot Are you sure Quot and the elderly woman replied when it was time for me to get off the train i noticed As i was about to stand up that the elderly woman was standing directly in front of me. Her handbag was Hung at her Elbow and she was holding onto the pole. I was sitting right at the pole and she moved in such a Way that her purse swung and struck me quite hard in the face. I looked up and smiled expecting that she would apologize. Instead she remarked Quot you re sitting in e wrong place. I should t be standing i replied Quot i m sorry but i m very pregnant and not feeling Well at her reply to me was Quot that does t i have been upset about this incident Ever since y would she refuse a seat and then be angered was sitting while she was standing i would like. w�?~1at is proper. Is a pregnant woman to an for an elderly woman after a seat has been offered to her and refused gentle Reader a this anecdote is so full of Zany whip is As 1� Mae one i�n8 for fhe simpler Rule by c gentlemen were merely required to stand up. Without question for All ladies. And where were the gentlemen who ought to have been offering their seats to two ladies a one elderly the other pregnant a who needed them the new system of offering to give up one s seat which still applies to gentlemen As Well As to other ladies is supposed to be based on both age and need and both of you qualified. The other lady had no business refusing such a Courtesy if she did feel she was in need of the seat and was entitled to it on the basis of her age. To suggest that pregnancy does not count in the Competition for a seat is wrong by both the traditional system and the newer one. But then miss manners does not take her notions of etiquette a nor should you a from someone who believes herself justified for whatever reason in deliberately training someone else with her purse. Dear miss manners a i last saw my Friend three years ago. She was having some health problems that were undiagnosed. A few months later she wrote to me about the cause a brain tumor. Since then i have not heard a word from her. I have continued to write and have sent Christmas cards but i have never received a reply. Finally i called her House she lives up North and i live Down South and spoke with a relative of hers. He said that she was still seriously ill too ill to write but added that he Felt she would still enjoy getting mail. I then made a videotape and sent it to her but i never received any indication whether it was received much less enjoyed. If i lived closer i would be Able to visit in person but that is not possible. Would it be rude of me to Telephone the family again to inquire about my Friend and extend my wishes for a recovery several months have elapsed since my last Call. I feel uncomfortable calling As the fact that no family member has replied to any of my letters indicates to me that they May not appreciate More inquiries. Should a family member have the responsibility to answer the mail for one too ill to reply i know each family handles a serious illness in its own Way. I am very worried and heartbroken that my Friend is so ill and frustrated that i can t do anything to help. I m also afraid of what i will find out if i Call. Gentle Reader a indeed one of the Many heavy responsibilities of family members is to fulfil the social obligations of their relatives who Are unable to do so. But miss manners begs you not to penalize your Friend for the omissions of her family. The likelihood is that they Don t even attend properly to their own correspondence or feel awkward about having you know that they must be privy to your correspondence in order to respond to it. It can Only be Gratifying to them to have you inquire after your Friend s health and you should know a As you have already been assured once that it is Gratifying to her to hear from you. Miss manners does t quite like your last statement about being afraid what you will find out. Squeamishness on the part of the Well is a very unattractive Quality in relation to the sick. She dearly Hopes that the silence does not mean that your Friend is a through extreme illness or death a beyond the reach of your overtures but she suggests that it is certainly time to find out. Dear miss manners a my nomination for the grossest table manners of the year those people who use a table Napkin As a handkerchief and then place it on top of the table when leaving. Can you or your readers think of anything worse gentle Reader a miss manners is sure they can but please Don t encourage them. Of course she has already thought of one herself in rules of etiquette associated with George Washington because they exist in his teen age handwriting although they have been traced to earlier sources there appears As Rule no. 100, this Gem Quot cleanse not your Teeth with the Tablecloth Napkin Fork or knife but if others do it let it be done with the pick this of course Means that people were commonly cleaning their Teeth with the Tablecloth in those Days if it had never occurred to anyone there would have been no necessity for an etiquette Rule prohibiting it. See what you be done 11 Al 1,1 March 29, 1990 stripes Magazine 3
