European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 05, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns fruits vegetables must meet moral standards too by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers at Long last the Federal government is taking action in the terribly important matter of papayas. I found this out thanks to an Alert Reader Dawn Price who sent me a notice from the standardization Section of the fresh products Branch of the fruit and vegetable division of the agricultural marketing service of the . Department of agriculture. The moment i saw this notice i said to myself i wonder what those wild and crazy dudes Down at the old standardization Section of the fresh products Branch of the fruit and vegetable division of the agricultural marketing service of the . Department of agriculture Are up to now the answer is they Are standardizing papayas. I am not making this up. Those wild and crazy dudes have churned out several dense pages of proposed papaya standards featuring subsections and sub subsections and statements such As this " fairly Well formed Means that the papaya May be moderately lopsided slightly flattened somewhat elongated or otherwise lacking symmetry but the fruit shall not be sufficiently misshapen to materially detract from its wholesome  i know How you re reacting to this news As a taxpayer and a consumer. You re saying to yourself it s about time after so Many tragic deaths directly linked to misshapen papayas that the men and women of the standardization Section of the fresh products Branch of the fruit and vegetable division of the agricultural marketing service of the . Department of agriculture have decided to take action. But Are they going far enough i regret to report that the answer is no. Because there is a serious problem in the matter of papayas a problem that poses a threat potentially even More dangerous than the epidemic of Swine flu shots that swept this great nation during the administration of Gerald r. Ford aug. 9-12, 1974. The problem is that in certain hispanic cultures particularly the cuban culture papaya is an obscene word. Really. If you Don t believe me just walk up to your Boss and say i you big papaya head chances Are hell merely stare at you blankly but if there Are any cuban americans around they la be laughing like hell. And hell is exactly where this nation is headed when the Federal government starts standardizing obscene fruit names. This is just one More example of the rising tide of pornographic filth and smut not just in the area of fresh produce but also in books movies Rock music care Bear episodes Cloud formations Etc. That threatens to destroy the moral foundation garment of this great nation. What can we do we can All write angry letters to our Congre Shumans demanding that the department of agriculture change the official name of the papaya to something More suitable such As Geraldo or even this would be an especially Nice tribute the Rev. Jerry Falwell  but that is not All. We should also demand that sen. Jesse Helms a spider family hold nationally televised hearings that would probe deeply into the whole alarming Issue of obscenity in federally standardized produce with an Eye toward answering some troubling questions such As 1. What about the expression get a Load of the mangos on that Tomato 2. What about the or. Potato head game 3. What about cucumbers i m sure that i speak for All of you when i say that until we get some answers All fruits and vegetables should be required to Wear some kind of modest Little garments. As of now or. Potato head see no. 2 above wears no pants. He has a hat. He wears shoes. Would pants be too much to ask suppose you and i tried going around without them come on citizens let s not sit Back and do nothing while this nation gets flushed Down the toilet of Low morals let s actually help pull the handle i think we All should remember these words which appear on a hand lettered sign that somebody nailed to a Telephone pole near where i get my car fixed definitely no Beer Pepsi in  i would Only add and i am sure that the Rev. Fruit would Back me up Here that this statement also applies to classic Coke and Coke Lite. Office worker feels excluded from group lunches by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners Many of the employees at my office have worked together for a Long time and socialize together regularly. Often for instance they go to lunch As a group. Unfortunately they tend to do these things without regard for the personal feelings of anyone else. They seem exclusive. Many times when i am sitting in someone s office discussing a work project others will come in and say to my colleague who besides you is coming to lunch they discuss the arrangements and walk out without asking me if i want to go along. Luckily for me i do not have much in common with these people have my own friends outside of work and do not strive to become part of their Little clique. However i still feel some Hurt in the face of their absolutely bad manners. I had a big party last year and Only invited one person from my office but miss manners i did not discuss plans for the party with that person in front of everyone else. It would have been bad manners and it might have even obligated me to invite people i did t care to have come. How should i behave while i am trapped in the same room with these people who Are being so rude what i now do is try to become invisible i sit very quietly and stare at the bookshelf or out the window while they discuss their outings. Often someone will say to me a Little later Are you coming with us to lunch am i supposed to consider this an invitation i hesitate to say no i was t  what i tend to do is try to save my Pride and avoid making people angry by pleading Lack of funds or time. Gentle Reader miss manners can see that you Are working yourself up into a really Good sulk. But it is Over nothing. Office lunch is not the social equivalent of a private party and the social Rule you rightly observe about not discussing such plans in front of the uninvited does not apply. Lunch arrangements generally Are made casually in these instances you will wait in vain for even those anxious to know you to request the pleasure of your company. Are you coming with us is Breezy but not rude. People can also politely invite themselves by asking is this a working lunch or could i join you if you genuinely Don t want to go you need Only say a cheerful have fun As they leave. But those comments about cliques and having nothing in common sound to miss manners like self pity which is totally inappropriate. Dear miss manners after a Shower should a person step out of the tub to dry or stay in with the second method less water ends up on the floor but it seems As if bathroom floors Are built to take water. Please Clear this up for my brother and me by giving us the Correct bathing etiquette. Gentle Reader Good manners require Only that you leave the bathroom floor dry for the next person. How you manage this is up to you. Acts performed alone Are outside the jurisdiction of etiquette which ought to make you As grateful As it does miss manners. Dear miss manners recently i have been subjected to Boorish behaviour from quite a number of physicians in out of office situations. I live in a suburban area that is like a Small town where it is inevitable that one encounters physicians from time to time outside their offices. When i ran into one of my doctors in a store at the lunch hour i spoke and extended my hand and he withdrew in horror. At another time another doctor with a companion came into the restaurant where i was lunching and sat directly behind me. I nodded and smiled and this gentleman stared right through me. I could have stared through him with equal facility but tried to be More diplomatic. Please comment on How to behave properly when one sees one s doctor in a Public place. Gentle Reader one nods and smiles or says a Quick hello As you seem to have done and the doctor should acknowledge this greeting in kind. Miss manners has been trying to fathom their motives in doing otherwise. Was the first doctor under the impression that you were about to favor him with a recital of your medical Progress had the second just assured his companion that this was a restaurant where they could safely feel they would t run into anyone they knew dear miss manners what is the proper Way to acknowledge the receipt of an unwanted gift a Book on a controversial subject that is slanted toward the giver s opinions not mine i have had Only a business relationship with the giver a relationship which i Hope will soon be concluded. Is this one Case where receipt of a gift can be ignored or is a note however terse required to preserve my reputation As a lady of Breeding for instance dear daddy warbucks this will acknowledge receipt of the Wanton Slaughter of pygmy rattlesnakes for use As Cowboy hat bands. I m sure i will find the author s opinions  gentle Reader if anything could go unacknowledged it would be an unwanted item of propaganda from a business acquaintance. But even in an age when treasures that Are lovingly presented by intimates do not always bring Forth proper letters of thanks you Are Correct in assuming you would Only seem ill mannered. Miss manners will accept your response if you will replace the business phrase this will acknowledge receipt of with the minimal social one thank you for sending  miss manners requires letters of thanks for kindly motivated presents to begin More imaginatively and considers this opening about As abrupt As one can politely get. April 5f 1990 stripes Magazine