European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 12, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse Honouring the Best of the world s worst writing jazz great dizzy Gillespie 72, performing in Moscow thursday. The sign reads a peace for All. A from wire reports the Best of the world s worst writing prose that went beyond purple into the Darker blueness of the literary spectrum was honoured at the annual Bulwer Lytton fiction contest in san Francisco thursday. Linda Vernon of Newark calif., came up with a Leaden Lead to an imaginary novel that lopped some 10,000 other entries worldwide in the contest that honors intentionally bad writing. The Competition takes its name from the inept 19th-Century novelist Edward Bulwer Lytton. Bulwer Lytton earned the Honor of a contest in his name by beginning his 1830 novel a Paul Clifford with that pot boiling opener popular with snoopy of peanuts Fame a it was a dark and Stormy but in a More inspired moment Bulwer Lytton also originated the line a the pen is mightier than the Vernon a winning sentence 80 words of mixed metaphors and overdone images is a an example of a writer getting carried away with figures of speech Quot said san Jose state University English professor Scott Rice who began the contest nine years ago. If you re Reading aloud take a breath and give the following a try \ a Dolores breezed along the surface of her life like a Flat Stone forever skipping along smooth water rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently until she finally lost momentum Sank and due to an overdose of fluoride As a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life As useless As an appendix and As lonely As a 500-Pound Barbell in a steroid free fitness Center. A Vernon a 38-year-old homemaker and Mother of three is taking writing courses but has yet to be paid for any of her freelance work. She won a word processor for capturing the grand prize. Quot it lakes a lot of Talent to be a bad writer Quot she said. Quot this is a Good Start but i Hope this is not the Peak of my the runner up Richard g. Carter of Hampton Van a took a More gruesome tone in his Tome Quot since both parties demanded sole custody in the Frankenstein divorce Case the judge called for his sword of Solomon Bolt cutters and ruled an equitable split Victor was to raise the creature s grotesque body in Palo Alto while his cd wife reared its ugly head in san Jose. A Here for better or worse arc some of the category winners a science fiction a Quot far out in the backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western spiral Arm of the Galaxy lies a Small unrewarded yellow Sun and orbiting this at a distance of roughly 899,010,000 Miles is the Fash Frozen body of Farley Wilputz jr., and boy is there an interesting Story of How he came to be a component of Saturn s ring system. A by Richard Garrett Pittsburgh a. A vile puns a a among us comedy writers the Pun is considered the lowest form of humor and a sure sign of burnout which is Why when / tried to sneak one by my associates had me committed to the Institute for disturbed comic writers at Vail colo., so now i know Why they say a use a Pun go to Vail Quot by Robert m. Quan san Francisco. A historical a a Paul von Hindenburg Only one month old and wrapped in a Blue Blanket rested peacefully in his Cradle oblivious to the tragedy that would one Day befall a dirigible to be named after him. A by Kenneth Leller Falls Church a. A horror a a great heavens Jeremy a exclaimed or. Martinson to his Laboratory assistant As they cowered Side by Side under a Formica topped table peering out surreptitiously at the pulsating Green fronds that oozed menacingly from the bubbling network of test tubes precariously suspended Over a Bunsen Burner Quot do you think it will go Well with Hollan Daise sauce. A by Janet Goldstein Rose Valley blows into Moscow jazz trumpeter dizzy Gillespie made dreams come True a a his and those of his soviet fans a by bebop Ping his Way into Moscow for the first time in his Long career. A a in be always wanted to come to Moscow but nobody Ever asked me a Gillespie said. Gillespie 72, finally got the invitation from one world for All a Chanty for peace and the environment. He played East Berlin on wednesday and travels next to Prague about 2,500 people jammed the hotel Rossiya concert Hall in Moscow for thursday s rewards of clipping Ambuj Jain spent five years mulling one Puzzle Why does a wealthy shopper sporting a Mink and driving a Mercedes bother redeeming a 25-cent Coupon a she does it because it makes her feel Good a concluded Jain an assistant marketing professor at Southern methodist University s Edwin l. Cox school of business in Dallas. A if it were for Money alone she do Jain a 5-year study of 550 households in Buffalo n.y., suggests the psychological benefits of Coupon clipping outweigh the savings incentives. A Coupon manufacturers have traditionally thought that the main impetus for clipping coupons was to save Money a Jain said. A but people actually want to clip the oks great Wall ride foreigners have Ridden horses and danced classical Ballet atop China s great Wall. Now a California Man has set out to become the first person to bicycle from one end to the other some 3,700 Miles. A like Mao said you re not a Man until you be reached the top of the great Wall a Kevin Foster of Ojai calif., said wednesday referring to China slate revolutionary Leader. Foster says he spent years trying to persuade chinese authorities to approve his plan and several More trying to find financial sponsors in the United states. The last hitches were smoothed out late last year and Foster boarded a train wednesday for the Western Mountain pass where the Wall starts at Jay Guan 945 Miles from Beijing. He will begin his trek later this week. From there the fragmented remains of the More than 2,000-year-old Wall Snake through desert and mountains before reaching the sea at Shanghai Guan East of Beijing. The whole journey will take about seven weeks and is costing about $20,000, Foster estimated. Dear Abby i am a 20-year-old College student majoring in education. For quite some time i have been trying to find information on something and Haven to had any Luck. 1 have always been very concerned about How to help illiterate people. 1 find information on illiteracy but it Only states statistics and not How we can help. I know that help is needed and i am ready and willing to help if i could Only find out where. Not Only would it be a great experience since i will be a teacher but it will also be very rewarding if i can teach just one person one of the most important and useful skills in life How to read. There Are a few things i need to know do i need a College degree is there a National organization i could write to concerned in Kansas City dear Abby dear concerned bless you for wanting to be part of the solution to a surprisingly widespread problem. Millions of american adults Are functionally illiterate a unable to read a help wanted and or the directions on a bottle of aspirin and unable to address an envelope. Somehow they manage to Bluff their Way through. For those who really want to learn to read there Are adult Basic education classes available through local Public schools. And Many local libraries provide one on one tutoring for adults. To find out the location of free programs near you Call or write the National coalition for literacy . Box 81826, Lincoln neb. 68501. Send a Long self addressed stamped envelope. The toll free number is 800 228-8813. The people there can also Tell those who Are interested How to become a Volunteer Tutor. A the Only degree you need is the degree of dear Abby our Only daughter is getting married in october. She asked if she May Wear my wedding dress and of course i said yes. Now i am wondering who gets the dress after her wedding. Neither of us has said anything about it because we re not sure whose gown it will be after she wears it. Is it still mine or is it hers to do with As she chooses some brides let their girlfriends borrow their wedding gowns after which they re never quite the same please Deal with this in your column Abby As in a sure its going to weigh heavily on our minds after her wedding. _ a Mother of the Bride dear Mother if you give your wedding dress to your Only daughter to Wear on her wedding Day the dress should then become a a hers to pass along to her daughter assuming she has a daughter and the daughter wants it. Tell her to take Good care of it and Hope that one Day it will be a Well worn heirloom. If there Are conditions upon which the dress is being a a loaned a Tell your daughter now while there is still time for her to select a gown of her own choosing. Universal press Syndicate
