European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 14, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Monday May 14, 1990 the stars and stripes Page 11 r a Quot a. A in my Iii Mii Iii limit  a a some thoughts concerning birth mothers this letter is in response to the individual whose birth Mother found you after 29 years. You contend there is really no Way to approach this situation without getting Hurt. Maybe so but 1 believe you can get through it without so much pain. First of All you be got to realize that what you see on television is not always True to life. You be got to be mature. Ask yourself Why you want to find this person or persons. 1 am searching for my birth Mother. All i want from her is the truth. If she never wants to see me i understand because in a not sure i want to see her. I done to expect her to take me into her arms and make up for lost time a i done to even expect that Well like each other. You done to expect things from strangers a and that is what we Are. Not every adopted child feels Hurt and rejected. I for one am grateful that i was Given a Chance for a life better than what she could offer me. My adoptive parents know that they will always be mom and dad. They Are the reason i am where i am today. I am in the process of using a third party to search. There is no Contact unless both parties agree and they provide a support group from the very beginning. All parties involved need support. The Hurt does not need to be so severe. It is not a no win situation. A name withheld Kaiserslautern West Germany. I am a birth Mother. I gave my son up in a closed adoption nine years ago. The first two years of the closed adoption were hell for me because i had no idea what happened to my son. Due to the nature of closed adoptions i was not Able to get information about him either. I just wanted to know that he was loved and in a Good Home. Two years after the adoption the adoptive parents contacted me and wanted to establish a relationship. Apparently the closed adoption was a hard situation for them also. Since then i have been a part of their family. It is a happier situation for All of us. I am writing about my circumstances to show that not All open adoption cases Are painful. I do not know where he is getting his information but adoptive parents have the control in this situation. You cannot forget about their feelings because they Are that child Slegal parents a even when the child is an adult. Adoptive parents should expect a Normal healthy child to be curious about his her birth parents. A child a search for his birth parents should not be hurtful to them. I do not see How it can be unless it is the child a rejection of the parents. Usually this is not the Case. I also think it would be selfish on the adoptive parents part not to allow the child to conduct such a search. As for the Media it usually portrays these situations As painful not Happy. They portray the birth mothers As desperate women who want to take their children Back years after the adoption. Or As women who expect their children to instantly run into their arms and Call them a a Mommy after 20 or 30 years. Or even As manipulative women who Tell their children they Are the a real Mommy and really confuse their child. These Are not very realistic situations. They do happen but not often. I feel sorry for the writer but i still think people should not give up the search for their birth parents or children. The Reader wrote that he did not want people to Stop their searches. However he tried hard to convince them otherwise. It May be painful. It May be Good. You have no More to lose but everything to gain adoptive parents included. Closed adoptions Are inhumane to All the persons involved. The secrecy which surrounds them causes pain. I think closed adoptions arc Best in extreme cases such As rape or incest. However in most situations i think open adoptions Are better. No one likes to be in the dark. Pm. Keith Augsburg West Germany As an adoptive Parent and As a member of the adoptive parents support group Here at Lajes i was dismayed by a recent letter from an adoptee concerning his or her feelings toward the birth parents. The letter Speaks of a lifetime of suffering the a Hurt and rejection of being relinquished for adoption. Adoptive parents must work hard to instill in their child empathy and understanding for the birth parents. They must stress that in no Way does placing a child for adoption constitute rejection of that child. Indeed birth parents often relinquish children that they have never seen or tiny children that they have had Little Contact with. It is impossible to reject someone that you barely know or the unformed personality of a baby. Most often birth parents give up their children because they Are besieged with personal problems at that particular Point in their lives and Are unable to take care of any child at that time. Raising a child requires a great Deal of work and Money and sacrifice. Birth parents who choose adoption Are honest enough to admit that they Are not up to the task. How much Wiser they Are than birth parents in similar circumstances who insist on keeping their children and then end up farming them off on relatives or subjecting them to abuse and neglect. The pain birth parents feel upon giving up their children is often tremendous yet they make a difficult decision that puts the child a interests first. This hardly constitutes rejection. Adoptive parents who fail to instill in their child understanding of the birth parents Are doing the birth parents a disservice and Are setting their child up for a lifetime of pain. 1 agree with the letter writer that birth parents should not seek out their child in later years As this is betraying a Trust. However Many adopters have a tremendous desire to seek out their birth families upon reaching adulthood and cannot be Happy until they do. They should not let fears that they will Hurt the adoptive parents stand in the Way. Adoptive parents should be secure enough in their child a love that they will recognize this for what it is a not rejection of the parents but a very human need to know. Children who Are raised in Loving Happy Homes will not reject their adoptive parents. Children who Are unloved and verbally or physically abused whether birth or adopted children Are the ones who will turn their backs on their parents in later life. A Judy Corling Clark Lajes Field azores the european edition col. Gene e. Townsend Usan commander editor in Chiel it. Col. Suzanne l. Phillips Usan Deputy commander editor in chief Marie Kominicki Mert Proctor Deane b. Mcdermott production manager managing editor circulation manager this newspaper is an authorized unofficial publication or members of the military services overseas contents of the stars and stripes Are not necessarily the official views of or endorsed by. The . Government the department of defense or the . European command. The appearance of advertising in this publication a Liuding inserts or supplements does not constitute endorsement by the department of de sense or the stars and stripes of the products or services advertised. Everything advertised in this publication shall be made aval Able for Purchase use or patronage without regard to race Coor religion. 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Of amp to Wallace Barracks Apo 09154 Telephone ets 420-7179 or civilian 0711-542571.Ann Landers dear Ann Landers i will not sleep tonight if i done to respond to a chirping in san  the woman who is feeling so smug about being Quot the other  i am not As stupid As you think. 1 know who you arc and How Long you have been sneaking around with my husband. You wonder Why i Haven to thrown him out because i sat Down one Day and asked myself that Well known Ann Landers question Quot would my life be better with him or without him Quot i decided that for the time being at least i am a lot better off with him and that a the Way its going to be until i decide otherwise. Meanwhile i Hope you choke on a chirp. A Vancouver dear readers that a just for openers. The response from cheated on wives has been staggering fake a look at what in be been blowing through from new York you say a a everybody a Happy and nobody gets Hurt a Wake up and smell the Coffee Dummy. The kids know their father is running around and they have lost a lot of respect for him. You arc wasting your youth on this Man who will never Mamy you. One of these Days your biological clock will have ticked its last Tock and you will realize what a bad Deal you made. From fort Worth. Texas please Ann Tell that Lunatic who is chirping about How Happy she is with her married Lover that she a the third one in the last seven years. I have seen them come and go. And they keep getting younger and younger a a symptom of his immaturity and his fear of getting old. Why done to i divorce him because i am very comfy Honey and he has never mentioned the subject. From Myrtle Beach . Nobody gets Hurt what brought you to that Brilliant conclusion our 6-Ycar-old son wonders Why her father is never Home for dinner and Why he does no to take her to the zoo anymore. Our 4-year-old keeps asking a a where a daddy Quot i can manage without the big Jerk but its awfully hard on the children. Its the most painful part of having an unfaithful husband. And i Haven to mentioned what this affair is doing to his parents but that s another letter. From Chicago the other woman is kidding herself. How terrific can her life be when she is alone on thanksgiving c Christmas new years eve the fourth of july easter on his birthday my birthday the kids birthdays Valentines Day two weeks in the summer and two weeks in the Winter How Happy can she be when she dare not be seen in Public with her Lover so they cat carryout in her Small apartment because he  risk taking her to a restaurant they can never enjoy a concert together a play a party with friends or even a movie. Get real woman. Your life is the pits and you know it. From Clearwater Fla the other woman in san Bernardino feels she a not taking anything away from the wife because the wife gets status Security a Home a car Good clothes jewelry and All the financial benefits i did no to marry my husband for any of those things. 1 married him because 1 loved him. And i still do. I am a patient woman. What goes around comes around. It May take a while but he ii be Back from Topeka. Kan chirping sounds More like a dumb Cluck to me. The wife with a husband who cheats has to worry about herpes venereal warts and a variety of other sexually transmitted diseases. And so does his mistress. If he cheats on his wife he is probably cheating on her As Well. Good Luck sap. Creators Syndicate news ext. 237, 255, 282. 226. 326. Sports ext. 225, 269, 263. 332, 321. 221. Features ext. 230, 245 of 341. Letters to editor ext. 200. Education Jimi Jones exl. 226. Medicine Janet d Agostino ext 230. Business Randy Mcclain ext. 326. 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