European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 7, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Older women by Valerie Gladstone m new York times t he Bennett Bloom study in 1987 said that a. Single College educated woman Over 40 had a1 percent Chance of getting married Quot Barbara Lovenheim writer of a new Book on marriage said. Quot i was so stunned that i decided to research the subject. Myself \ Quot i was in that category and so were Many of my friends. We Mig tit not have been desperate to marry but we a certainly expected it was a Good possibility. The report. Seemed to be a rebuttal of feminist goals a warning that women who succeeded in a Man s world would no longer be  ,. Research led to an article in new York Magazine and then to the Book beating the marriage Odds when you Are a smart single and Over 35. V Lovenheim includes not Only enlightening stories about older women who Are happily married but also great. Deal about people in  issues include Many women s refusals to outgrow fantasies of knights in Armor and their reluctance to take a charge of their lives As Well As men s need for a development  a main Point she makes is that women will have to. Redefine what they Are looking for in a Man that they should consider younger and less glamorous men. Women should also develop Rich social lives that incidentally include eligible partners. Her object in writing the Book was to give a general picture of How women older than 35 live with and without men  subtly works in advice on  life More fulfilling. A. 7&Quot Quot life has to be a balance of Many things a work family a Friendship and love a Lovenheim said. Quot if a woman Only focuses on finding a mate she will suffer losses in other areas and probably put off the men she most wants to attract marriage is Mot a  r. _. Statistically it mily be More difficult for older women to marry Lovenheim found but not to the extent reported by the  study. Lovenheim tells of the career women who fear marriage will end therr Independence and those who have become thoroughly cynical alter unhappy affairs she relates How one woman s husband ran off with her Best Friend left her to follow a guru sold narcotics in India gave their children drugs and generally Marie her life hellish. However tire woman was not Defeated Lovenheim said Quot and became stronger and stronger. She met another Man for whom she cared and she had the Pake Noo and balance to help trim through his difficult divorce a % the issues include Many women s refusal to outgrow fantasies of knights in Armor and their reluctance to take charge of their lives As Well As men s needs for development. Not everyone Lovenheim talked to found their husbands locally. A polish woman who had lived in the United states since childhood decided to put a personal advertisement in a polish newspaper in new York City. The responses did not interest her so she tried a Warsaw paper. Those produced better results and she went to Poland where she found her Man. After a few months of correspondence he moved to new York and they married. Since she arrived in Manhattan from Rochester n.y., to. Attend Barnard College Lovenheim obtained a master s. And pm d in English and then taught at Baruch and Queens. Colleges. A Quot a. A after finishing her studies Lovenheim founded a social. Club for Columbia University graduates because,.she said there were few  mix with contemporaries at that time. A. A. Quot Quot a a a  starting with a rented room a band and 200 people the club grew to 2,000 members in eight years. The members dined and danced together and were offered lecture series. Featuring or. Margaret Mead Joseph Papp and John v. A Lindsay. A a a. ,. Since her first years in new York Lovenheim has rented. Houses in the suburban Hampton finding the area Good a for business contacts and friendships.  of her friends she said found spouses on their visits there which she feels illustrates her Contention that a single person should circulate and be around people if the Quot person wants to marry. W -. In 1975, Lovenheim left teaching for Public relations a moved to Glamour Magazine and then was a. A a correspondent at the United nations. Later she reported on the arts for the International Herald Tribune in London for a a year. By 1982 she was a full time freelance writer concentrating on styles of life and the arts. A doing the research for this Book was very uplifting Quot Lovenheim said. A. Quot most of the women i talked to had a certain amount of self Confidence and had established fulfilling lives before their marriages. They were not dependent on men for emotional gratification or financial support. Somehow they knew marriage could enhance their lives but did no to expect. It to bring about total  a a but Lovenheim refused to categorize the people saying Quot As soon As you do you trivialize the  the objective in writing the Book she said was to provoke thoughts about marriage and older women. A Quot some ideas just die hard Quot she said. Quot society still somewhat stigmatized unmarried women therefore a promoting a sense of failure in those who Are. Then they bring pressure on the men who interest them. Men frequently said that women pressure too soon bring out their checklists of what they want and Don t want. Most men Tike being around Strong women but not those who Are depressed or  Lovenheim  she was working on the Book. Quot none of the men i know were threatened by it. On the contrary they were . Lovenheim said marriage would be Nice but it is not a necessity. She added Quot in a sense i wrote this Book to. Reassure myself i Hope it will reassure  Page 16 a a a the stars and stripes monday january 7, 1991 by Susan Harte Cox news service he closest Marilyn Dye and Jim Simmons Ever. G came to sexual intimacy was the time his dog took her dog for a Romp behind the Barry. Their 17-year Friendship has been strictly Platom. Quips Simmons 50, who has been divorced for several years Quot you Don t play Footsie with your Law . That s the. Other unusual aspect of this relationship. Dye also single started out in 1973 As Simmons a Secretary in a cramped one Man Law office today she a one of his partners in a firm that represents plaintiffs in pharmaceutical product liability cases a the More usual aspect of their Friendship often not commented on because it is customary Between male and female business associates a is that its strictly duds on. Quot. 1 Friendly relationships began to proliferate when women from All age groups skill Levels and marital situations entered the paid work Force. The urge to keep them platonic surfaced As companies saw workplace romances getting out of hand and As the threat of aids made a virtue of virtue. Besides As psychologist Robert  noted Quot if it gets sexual it endangers the Enterprise Quot Bob 34, vice president of a Large brokerage firm wont court danger. He did t even want his last name used in a Story in , the  Home Are two , each with its own needs and demands each with its own emotional ambience. R a Quot the brokerage Industry is probably one of the better havens for platonic friendships Quot he says. Quot it s Long hours and High pressures. Usually the person you get to be. Closest friends with is someone. Who can ride the emotional roller coaster with you Quot and keep you Calm. Quot neither my wife nor my parents really have a clue about what i do for a . But the progression is not Quot my wife does t understand me but you without your Blouse surely  instead a its a crossing Aline not meant for crossing will ruin this.  Bob warns that the intimacy of sex would very Likely engender an intensity and Quality of commitment that one normally reserves for close family members. He considers his private life very special he says. But so is his 9-to-5 Friendship with a woman who Quot soothes the raw edges Quot of a male dominated adversarial competitive business. A a a. Dan Ragsdale 50, has made and kept female friends throughout his work life which has coincided a but not collided a with his Long married life. He believes that a amps Sharon Kilday k of %. V a As u air 1 a a k / 1 c 11 3 . A a a a a a a t a a a 1. Quot ii c i 1&Quot 8 a -1 11,  i within a context of honorable behaviour married people can Grant each other Quot a lot of Freedom. There s not this emotional  agreed says Elizabeth Fox Genovese who directs Emory University s women s studies program and who regards male female friendships As immensely valuable. Quot i have male friends who know in telling me something that makes them feel vulnerable they can count on a sympathetic response that wont be a put Down. Quot i  getting from men the sense of fun and play of tactics and strategy in Competition not As an evil word but in the sense that there is a chess game out there. Men have frequently a More natural sense of  a Fox Genovese believes it s almost fundamental to the Success and longevity of male female friendships for at least one of the parties to be married or committed. Quot it sends a message that you re solidly anchored Quot she said. That a Good says psychologist Simmermon but not necessarily necessary. The friends just need to accept a thnh for whatever reason the bedroom is off limits. A the Beauty of Pla Torii encounters is that Quot them ate a a very few places in our society where Bou Daues Are so. Secure and the consequences of behaviour so Safe those place s now include interracial friendships  l. Henty s 15-year Friendship with Cecile. A Matt Banfield of Silver Spring my began when both. Worked Atlanta at ism. It survived depart Nuttal moves separations his Domestic crises and her move North Quot she has said it s remarkable we even became fiends in the first place Quot says Henry 53. But he adds Quot there s no question in my mind that she s the Best Friend i Ever have or Ever Wirtl . A. Nor he said has his wife been jealous. Michael a Correro. A software specialist with National data corp., feels that secure wives a who have their own friends at work a Don t become apprehensive or a suspicious. Kellie Eyman a married employee at an environmental engineering firm adds that those least Likely to understand Are those who done to work. Quot women who stay Home Don t have the same exposure Quot she observes. Quot they know Only the social setting in which men and women Are paired off in ways that have sexual overtones Quot Quot. Quot once women were allowed to succeed on their own Quot. Eyman says Quot and were looked upon As equals it was easier to have . But Desiree c. Collins a 29-year-old registered nurse has found platonic friendships with men. Disappointing. A v. Quot it seems so neat then you notice a she said. Quot the behaviour starts to change. Perhaps there Are sexual innuendos. Then you have to watch everything you say and do. It can never be the same . When friendships Cool or end there a both sadness and anger. A Fox Genovese posts two reasons for the failure of a male female friendships Quot they can fail because of sex. Because a Man wants to get a woman s clothes off her. Or they can fail because of larger than life emotional need because women finding themselves wanting commitment rather than Friendship in the end the Success of platonic relationships May rest on two precepts. One is the Assumption that men and women can be adult enough to exercise control Over their impulses and can value each other As people. The other acknowledges that in the intense world of work people need something that s constant but not. Consuming. It May be As Welsh philosopher Bertrand Russell declared 60 years ago that its human nature to give affection most readily to those who seem least to demand it. A Phon Al Tousaw Nour s0t Quot >-5v�?T c a y l Quot / by what better Way to show the whole world that you care. You can print your personal Valentine Rhes Sage s to family special friends or i loved ones in the stars and stripes annual Valentine s Day Section on eeb to Rumary 14. A. J. To order your Valentine select the style you want from the samples shown. Write your message in 25 words or less. For longer messages add 10c per additional word children 16 and under can Send messages for half Price. Make your Check or Money order payable in . Dollars do not Send Cash to stars and stripes fund ecn-874.deadline is Friday february 1,1991. Mailing address is stars and stripes attn Valentines Box 266, Apo 09211-4211. Daddy a a Happy Valentine s Day to the Best daddy in the world. Thanks for a a being there for mom and me even when away. I love you very Muchl Sweet pea duty Phon. Home phone. V. V a Jefty Lahn inc you mean More to  than All the grains of Sand in saudi. Happy Valentine s Dayl a . V v v Fly 05n a Fos a Happy Valentine s Day How do i love thee let us count the Days. I love you husband to be monday january 7, 1991 the stars and stripes a a a Page 17