European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 31, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Your child s  s not the same As punishment by Jane e. Brody the new York times what is wrong with these pictures a 5-year-old boy wanted the car his younger sister was playing with and when she would not give it to him he hit her. As the girl began to Wail their Mother wheeled around and whacked the boy. Snarling Quot i told you a Hundred times Don t  the 10-year-old girl was told to clean her room by the end of the weekend. When monday came and the room was still cluttered with clothes magazines and other things the girl s Mother blew her stack Quot that s it no summer Camp for  a woman was shopping with her 5-year-old son who was alternately whining and weeping because he wanted an expensive toy. The Mother lost patience and screamed Quot you re going to get it when we get Home. You re going to get the biggest timeout you Ever had Quot in the last instance the valuable disciplinary technique of timeout or immediately taking children aside to Calm them Down was misapplied in a hostile and delayed manner. In the first Case the Mother who spanked her son for hitting his sister was not exactly teaching him How to Deal better with anger and frustration and in the Case of the Messy 10-year-old, the punishment in no Way fit the crime and the girl knew that her Mother was unlikely to make it stick among the Many challenges parents face in bringing up children teaching them How to behave is often the most difficult. Many parents realize that at least in principle rearing children has changed dramatically in recent decades. Much More is known about How children learn and grow up psychologically healthy about what to expect irom children at varying Ages and about How to Ireal them so they develop self control. Self esteem and a sense of responsibility. Bui in is another matter to put All this into action when parental time and Energy is limited and the kids Are out of control. Especially when both parents work outside the Home or a divorced Parent sees the child Only occasionally the desire to maintain Quot Quality time Quot prompts some to avoid discipline to the child s detriment. Other parents resort to a Quick and dirty method a coercion through physical punishment a that erodes the Parent child relationship leaves the Parent feeling guilty provokes the child into seeking retribution and fails to teach the child How to behave differently in the future Quot there Are now so Many disciplinary techniques that ought to be used that parents Don t know about a said James Windell a psychologist who wrote a Book to help parents find approaches More Likely to result in Well behaved self confident children. A too Many parents fail to question the methods they use until their child has a serious problem Quot in his Book discipline a source Book of 50 fail Safe techniques for parents Collier books. 1991wincell says parents should be familiar with a variety of met toys so that different tactics can be used depending on the situation and the age and temperament of the child Many parents erroneously equate discipline with punishment rather than Gui Chance or instruction. As or Barton d. Schmitt a paediatrician at the children s Hospital of Denver put it Quot children need a Parent who is in charge Quot who teaches them to respect the rights of others. In his Book your child s health Bantam 1991 Schmitt lists some common parental errors other than physical punishment and their consequences a Yelling which often triggers shouting matches prompts the child to tune out or conveys the impression that the Parent is out of control a issuing too Many rules or enforcing them haphazardly prevents the child from learning what is really important a trying to control behaviour solely in the child s Domain like thumb sucking or not eating enough that can result Page 18 in no win Power struggles. A failing to reinforce children s Good behaviour through frequent Praise smiles and hugs. Other non productive approaches listed by Windell include nagging lecturing shaming or belittling inducing guilt Quot How can you behave like this after All we be done for you Quot trying to make children feel responsible for. Their parents Well being Quot daddy and i fight because of your bad behaviour Quot and peremptorily ordering children around a pick up your toys this instant Quot. Another common mistake is to ignore Misbehaviour until the parents reach the breaking Point. Windell reminds parents that Quot children feel better about themselves when they have confident parents who know How to set and enforce rules Quot Good discipline grow out of a healthy respect for children and their needs their developmental level temperament and emotional sensitivity. For example it would be pointless to expect self control from an infant. And if a child already feels Defeated focusing on bad behaviour will Only further erode self Confidence such a child responds much better to Praise and encouragement for things done right. Good discipline begins with Clear simple and realistic rules appropriate to the age of the child and enforced with reasonable consequences Windell argues for example if a child runs into the Street one consequence might be to have to come into the House to play not to have a birthday party cancelled. For very Small children rules must be repeated often and for older children rules should be explained and modified As the child becomes More Independent. Windell says parents can expect children to periodically Quot test rules and limits because their own controls Aren t Well established and because they need to know that someone else will protect them from their own impulses. Quot avoid having to be a full time policeman. Start by child proofing the House Locking cupboards that contain breakable or dangerous items and moving out of reach As Many temptations As possible. Then establish limits like Quot no you cannot touch the plants Quot for Alt other circumstances. For toddlers and preschoolers try distracting the child or offering substitutes for forbidden playthings or activities. Bring along toys for problem times like waiting in a restaurant and when a child does misbehave criticize the behaviour not the child. Ignore annoying behaviour like whining tantrums or sulking. Other times mild face to face disapproval like a scowl or Stern Quot Stop Quot is All that is needed. When the bad behaviour has a built in punishment like breaking a toy or not wearing mittens in the cold allow children to learn from their own mistakes. When parents determine the consequences tailor them to the bad behaviour like removing a toy that is mishandled or a privilege that is abused. Issue Only one warning then act immediately restating the Rule that was violated. Keep the punishment Brief and in proportion to the bad behaviour. When it is Over treat the child lovingly without further rebuke or insistence on an apology finally Don t take Good behaviour for granted try to Quot catch Quot your child being Good and Praise the behaviour nol the child a amps Wes booties the stars and stripes tuesday december 31, 1991