European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 31, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Discipline must fit the child and the Parent by Jane e. Brody the new York times few chores of child rearing Are More frustrating or fraught with emotional conflict than discipline. Now some researchers believe they know Why discipline is being applied to children when it should first be applied to their parents. Quot most parents Lack a Good grasp of what to do when there s a problem Quot said James Windell a clinical psychologist in Waterford Mich. Quot their instincts Aren t always useful and when they rely on their emotions they often end up feeling  but new findings suggest that it May be surprisingly easy for parents to get out of ineffective disciplinary ruts researchers caution that beyond the importance of combining love with limits there is no one approach that every Parent should adopt. Both children and disciplinary occasions differ and parents Are unconvincing disciplinarians when using a tactic that makes them uncomfortable. A one a Izz does t fit All Quot said or. Carolyn Webster Stratton a nurse practitioner and child psychologist at the University of Washington in Seattle. Quot Basic disciplinary principles must be tailored to each child and  before parents can become effective disciplinarians she said they must first learn How to manage their own anger solve problem situations and give and get support from others. The recent findings suggest that most parents even those who themselves were subjected to harsh discipline can with a Little help do a much better Job with their own children. These findings for example have come out of the studies a simple self help techniques with or without professional support can help parents sharply reduce discipline problems. A effective discipline requires parents to be sensitive to their children s needs. Children do. Not respond positively to discipline unless they feel loved and wanted. A Praise and love alone Are not enough to instill Good behaviour. Too much permissiveness hurts a child s efforts to develop self control. \ a behaviour problems should be reversed Early waiting until the preteen years diminishes chances for Success and puts children at higher risk for delinquency drug use and other problems. A spanking is not Only ineffective it May erode the child s self esteem and the Parent child relationship leading to More problems later. Studies among hundreds of families at the University of Washington school of nursing have shown that parents need to learn As Many tricks of the Trade As possible including How to play with their children communicate with them Praise and Reward them and set limits for them As Well As How to handle Misbehaviour using a variety of techniques Quot according to Webster Stratton director of the parenting clinic there since 1979, she has worked with about 700 families struggling to Cope with what she Calls Quot High maintenance Quot children that is those Between the Ages of 4 and b who Are so aggressive and disobedient that they May be unable to go to school the Seattle studies have also shown that instructional your child s health a amps Wes Booher videotapes that demonstrate right and wrong ways of handling behaviour problems can Leach parents to induce major improvements in the behaviour of their difficult children. She said the tapes were effective whether parents used them by themselves or in conjunction with professionally guided group meetings and regardless of parents economic marital or educational circumstances. Further she said they proved to be an effective inexpensive Way to reach parents who might not otherwise seek professional help studies of babies and toddlers directed by or. Everett Waters a psychology professor at he slate University of new York at Stony Brook also showed that Young children were much More responsive to parental discipline if they could form a secure attachment to the Parent. The child must perceive the Parent As Quot available responsive sensitive a sensitive to the baby s signals and Able to respond appropriately and in a timely manner Quot he explained. However the so called permissive approach in which parents Are unconditionally warm and accepting regardless of what the child does is Quot a disaster in the hands of most parents Quot said or. Gerald Patterson an eminent researcher in the Field said follow up studies of permissive parenting conducted by or. Diana Baumrind of the University of California at Berkeley found that the children lacked self Confidence and faced a High risk of developing anti social behaviour or becoming substance abusers. A a permissiveness alone does t work Well because the parents while warm and Loving do not provide enough Structure or monitoring of their child s behaviour explained or. James h. Bray a psychologist at the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston. In his eight year study of 200 families he found that when parents failed to set limits Quot the child does t know when to Stop does t develop self control and tends to a out More be More aggressive and unruly Quot or. Susan o Leary a Stony Brook n y psychologist has found that lax parenting is As bad As harsh parenting both for teachers in the classroom and for parents of 2-year-Olds, the Quot timing tone of voice and length of the reprimand determine its effectiveness she said when a child misbehaves the reprimand should be immediate delivered firmly in a Neutral tone of voice without Yelling or pleading and should be Brief Don t touch Quot is better than a 60-word explanation she Saida hug can be better than word by the new York times most children thrive on affection a simple hug can be Lar More effective than words Al giving encouragement and relieving distress. Quot if you re comfortable touching your children you la be Able to Comfort them More when they re sick or hurl said or Jules older a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont College of Medicine at Burlington who has studied the effects of touch on family relationships. The difficult part is finding ways to show that affection that meet both of your needs. Psychologists recommend several things that May help. A focus your attention completely on your child when you re giving him or her a hug an embrace where you Are holding Back or have something else on your mind can be worst than no hug at All ii gives the message that your child is not important a when you come Home from work you have to Unar mor yourself Quot said or. Alice Sterling Honig a professor of child development at Syracuse University Quot that Means taking off Youir formal business clothes putting on something you can get wrinkled and sitting Down on the Couch and snuggling together e Don t assume that All the children in you family want the same amount or types of affection there can be Strong temperamental differences Between siblings the hugs one child craves can be overwhelming to another. Forcing affection on a child will More upsetting than reassuring ii your child balks at being hugged look Lor subtler ways of physically showing your affection like gently patting him on the Back or stroking her head it even this is too much try holding his or her hand but Don t Stop showing affection. A be sensitive to the messages your child is giving you. Many of these will be non verbal like stiffening or slight Retreat when you hug. As children enter Grade school they become More conscious of differences Between Public and private behaviour. Quot if your child does t want to be kissed in Public you should respect that Quot said or. 0 j Sahler. An associate professor of paediatrics and psychiatry at the University of Rochester Quot if you Don to you la take a minor Issue and blow it out of proportion so that you won t to Able to communicate on a wider Range of Issue tuesday december 31, 1991 the stars and stripes a Page 19