European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 20, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                V not Seldom scene a family in Memphis tenn., digs into dinner together an activity that is becoming increasingly rare. A family that dines together is hard to find by Susan Reimer the Baltimore Sun v inner time has become a family event that we Rush through. Or drive s through. Or have delivered. Blame it on Ballet or baseball mom s Job or _ dad s commute but Norman Rockwell s picture of the whole family gathered at the table is fading. When our children were babies you could set your watch by their Mealtimes so rigid were we about what and when they ate. Now the ritual of the family meal shifts and floats and is very nearly erased by the friction of our Busy lives lessons practice games night meetings. And truth be told it in t always pleasant to eat with children. There Are Only four things they will eat. All but the various shapes of pasta can be lifted to the Mouth without silverware children Are barely civilized at mealtime and see no reason to be. They would rather argue with each other than Cha with Vout and they Are done and eager to leave the table before you have warmed your seat but i read somewhere that a Survey of National Merit scholars Showe by had one thing in common. It was t family income Barents education or anything like that it was that they All sat Down with their families at dinner time. Their academic Success and employment stability were linked to that one modest family event. Great i thought As i shouted into the speaker Box at the drive through window for the third night in a Row. My children Are doomed to a life of illiteracy and indentured servitude. Dinner time is the one thing i find very hard to let go of says my Friend whose Mealtimes like mine shift with the vagaries of the sports season. In our family it was t just important it was  Nan grew up in Iowa the Only daughter and youngest child of a pair of educators. And from the Way she tells it kids were More Likely to show up at her House for dinner than for the movies on saturday even though they were in for a kind of meat and potatoes version of it s academic. Chairs Slid Back from the table often every night As one child or another was dinner time is theone thing i find very hard to let go of. In our family it was t just important it was sacred sent to look it  a definition a quotation a fact from history. Anything. "1 was the youngest so i tried to keep my head Down Nan recalls. And when my father would ask me something i would mumble that not Only did t i know i did t much care to know. But he sent me to look it up  this was no dour Puritan Home. Nan s father was As Likely to throw a wet dish Towel As any of the kids were. And you can Tell from her own laughter that there was plenty of that at Nan s dinner table. And it was not such a different time. Her Mother shifted the dinner hour All Over the clock to accommodate brownies and football and meetings. Even now with everybody going every which Way i cling very hard to dinner time she says. Dinner time is at a kind of Crossroads in our lives. Though heat and eat meals that kids can serve themselves Are the hottest new item on the grocery shelves the reverence that americans even children have for this ritual shows up in Survey after Survey. The kind of storytelling the verbal sparring the nature of the exchanges Between kids and their parents at mealtime the equal footing would be considered remarkable in almost any culture outside our own. And you can imagine what it does for children to know that the modest happenings of their Days Are cherished enough for a place at the Center of the dinner table like Rockwell s Golden Turkey. I shared � meal with Nan and her widowed father not Long ago. The conversation was so Good Nat redly Sharp tongued combative arid Quick that i could barely keep up. 1 was Tongue tied and i Felt Dull witted but my heart raced with the Pace and the height of the exchanges. I Don t remember what Nan served but i do remember Thaher father challenged my use of a word. Wrong context for its meaning he said. And he sent Nan to the dictionary to look it up. On the family q can you please describe the Best approach to disciplining a 1-year-old? i fear my infant is starting to get the Best of me. Many children will begin to test the authority of their parents during the second seven month period of life. The confrontations will be minor and infrequent before the first birthday yet the beginnings of future struggles can be seen. My daughter Danae for example challenged her Mother for the first time when she was 9 months old. My wife was waxing the Kitchen floor when Danae crawled to the Edge of the linoleum. Shirley said no Danae gesturing to the child not to enter the Kitchen. Our daughter though Young clearly understood the meaning of  nevertheless she crawled straight onto the Sticky Wax. Shirley picked her up and set her Down in the doorway while saying no More firmly. Danae again scrambled onto the newly waxed floor. My wife took her Back saying no even More strongly As she put her Down. Seven times this process was repeated until Danae yielded and crawled off in tears. How does a Parent discipline a 1 year old very carefully and gently. A child at this age is extremely easy to distract and divert. Rather than jerking a Wristwatch from his hands show him a brightly coloured alternative and then be prepared to catch the watch when it Falls. When unavoidable confrontations do occur As with Danae on the waxy floor win them by firm persistence but not by punishment. Again Don t be afraid of the child s tears which can become a potent weapon to avoid Nap time bedtime or diaper time. Have the courage to Lead the child without being harsh or mean or Gruff. If we have an extremely defiant child who has demanded his own Way since the Day he was born. Yet we feel guilty when we try to discipline him. Why your guilt is very common among parents of Strong willed children and for Good reason. You Are engaged in a tug of War that leaves you frustrated and fatigued. You and your husband had planned to be such Loving and effective parents Reading to your Panama Clad Angels by the fireplace. But reality has turned out to be quite different and that difference is depressing to you. Furthermore i have found that parents of compliant children Don t understand their friends with defiant youngsters they intensify guilt and anxiety by implying if you would raise your kids the Way i do you would t be having such awful problems.". Let me emphasize to both groups that the wilful child can be difficult to control even when his parents handle him with great skill and dedication. Or. Jamoa c. Dobson is president of focus on the family an organization dedicated to preserving the Home. Correspondence should be sent to him at focus on Tine family . Box 444, Colorado Springs. Colo. 80903. Saturday August 20,1994 the stars and stripes