European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 20, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Going it alone single parents must also take care of themselves by Bettijane Levine los Angeles times Soshana Alexander has temporarily sworn off adult entanglements a so when she refers to her one True love these Days she Means her sorr Elias 5. A she says she was 42, pregnant and about to be married when her Fiance left her. 7 Quot i was. Terrified Quot said Alexander a freelance writer and editor. Quot not so much about How my baby and i would physically survive which was a big enough problem. But More important i worried How i could function As both Mother and father and still have a Good relationship with my  a she said she had always assumed there were special reference books for single parents that show How to avoid the Pitfalls unique to this group. But when she went to bookstores there were almost i Ione. _ when she asked child care experts for information on single parenting she found that most believe that the Basic rules of parenting apply in households with one Parent or two. ,. Quot i knew that could t be True Quot she said recently. Quot from watching my friends i knew there were issues of discipline and dependency that arise in a single Parent family that Are totally  so Alexander decided to write a Book. In Praise of single parents published this Spring by a Owighton Mifflin is based on her Story and those of hundreds of other single parents she interviewed. Quot Alexander s Book is our no. 1 Reading Choice this year because  myths shows what to expect and for the first time makes single parents feel part of a group Quot said Andrea Engber director of the National organization of single mothers and editor of working Mother Magazine. Alexander who lives in Oakland calif.-, with her son admits her own problems and disappointments which she said Mirror those of most single parents she a interviewed for the Book. For example Alexander had always hoped and planned to share her life and her child with , in other words Quot to marry and live happily Ever  a. But now Alexander said she and her son have become a kind of couple on their own. Quot we Are the primary relationship in each other s lives. Elias is my assistant at the Market my companion on weekend outings. He gets my last kiss at night and my first one every . Her love is Quot unquestioned and All encompassing Quot she said. At first she had a tendency to get so lost in it that she obliterated herself. She was willing to forgo her own needs to concentrate on his but found that this was not Good for either of them. One of the major differences Between one and two. Single parents must learn to juggle a variety of jobs both in the Home and out. Not Parent families she said is Quot in two Parent families children Are not considered lesser than but they Are certainly considered other than adults. The kids hang with their Peers and adults hang with theirs. And it is adults who take responsibility for. Decisions even when children participate. Quot for single parents however the child and Parent tend to become psychic partners in a link of implied Equality. We get used to relating to our children As friends and engaging them in our decisions. That Means we put them in the untenable position of having to Grant us permission to take authority. No you cannot have a Hamster. Of Quot All this can Lead to too much responsibility for the child Alexander said and it can be played out in Many different ways. Quot if there is no one else around to make Mommy or daddy Happy the child often perceives it is his Job. He May feel he caused the sadness himself. Sweet As it is to be comforted by your adoring offspring it will come Back to haunt you when the child grows up angry. That you allowed such a thing. You were supposed to take care of him Quot she said. Her Book Cata logs the various difficulties to which Only single parents can relate. A millions would recognize this scene the usually Sweet Well behaved offspring who turns into a Barbaric howling monster when mom or dad finally has a Date. The Date sits in the living room while the child clings to the Parent hysterically begging her not to go out. The Date secretly believes that the Parent abuses the child by leaving him alone too much and never Calls again. The Parent is too worn out to care. The child has won. Too much Equality Between single Parent and child Alexander explained can Lead to a feeling of Power that is inappropriate for someone who cannot yet read and write. What s More she said it can prevent children from a understanding their importance As individuals in relation to a world full of  said almost every Parent she interviewed could pinpoint a particular incident or situation that turned the tide made them decide to surmount their own Shock or depression and Start a celebratory life alone with their kids. A a  so guilt usually sets in. Guilt at leaving your child in Day care too Long while you work at losing your temper too much because you re so tired at being the Only Parent in the Home at not. Getting chores done not playing with the kids enough not running the kind of household they see on to. Guilt that leads you to give in to your child s demands when you know you should t. But Alexander said in spite of All this research shows that single Parent families Are inherently no worse for kids than families with two parents at the Helm. In fact one recent study indicates that children of single parents tend to be More mature Independent imaginative self disciplined and self assured than their counterparts in two Parent families she said. And guilt Alexander writes can be a valuable motivator for positive change. By understanding and evaluating it a Parent can sometimes set wrong patterns right. A in her own Case she recalled she awoke one night to see if her son was breathing As most doting new parents do. Then she caught herself thinking Quot if he s not alive at least i la get some  at that moment she knew she could t continue living the Way she was alone and up half the night at work All Day always worried about Money never an afternoon or weekend to herself or even an hour to take a relaxing Bath. So she found friends and paid child care workers to help care for her kid. Able to breathe deeply once again she realized that she was t stressed out anymore that there were options and possibilities to take advantage of. She could enjoy her child and begin to nurture herself. A a Quot who will nurture the nurturer Quot she writes Quot is one of the most Basic and baffling quandaries of single parenthood. If we Don t respond to our own needs in appropriate ways we Are Likely to try to fulfil them through our children. If we Don t dream our own dreams our children May not be free to dream theirs Quot single parents and their children can t forget who is the Parent and who is the child. Not single Parent pointers Shoshana Alexander author of in Praise of single parents offers these tips a take on the Job As if you were about to climb a Mountain. Dedicate yourself to the task. In other words choose to do it instead of trying to find ways out of it a such As. Looking for a partner to share the parenting. Being a single Parent will strengthen you As a person. A make the child a priority. Choose work that has flexible hours if possible. Create a schedule that includes daily time with the child. Lead a child oriented life but. Not a child entered life. A extend your family. It is crucial to include others in your and your child s lives. Reach out to friends neighbors relatives. Join support groups or live with others. Do whatever you can to build a group of people $ you consider to be family but who Are not necessarily blood relations. Remember the South african adage Quot it takes a whole Village to raise a . A a learn that it s of to ask for help. In fact it s essential. Realize that the Friend or extended family member you ask for assistance May consider it a gift and an Honor to be i whereas you consider it a favor. A los Angeles times life after death for War widows by Arlene Levinson the associated press hey get no Basic training. No one tests them  Mettle or promotes them for bravery or gives them medals. But in marrying into the military soldiers spouses enlist in a life of a unique demands. A contrary to the image of the Lone trooper bunking in Barracks Ora berth at sea More than half of the military members serving the country have a family along. Among the 1.7 million members of the . Armed forces 58 percent Are married. They Are parents to almost As Many dependent children 1.5 million. But at the outset those families need to be made of the right stuff. They will be challenged by the Strain of Long work shifts frequent moves a the average is a new address every 2,2 years a indefinite absences uncertainty and the possibility of sudden death. Those with children often function As single parents. The military spouse can t expect to hold a Job or establish any career but a portable one. And while spouses of service members must be a Independent Able to Cope on their own they need the flexibility to give up the reins and resume a marital partnership when their spouse returns. Quot the military does place expectations not Only on service members but also on the families in terms of holding Down the fort Quot said Gary Bowen a professor of social work at the University of North Carolina in Chapel a Hill who does research on military families. But the worse threat Many families of face is the death of a spouse. While the numbers of women men and children Cut adrift from the military by an Active duty death is unknown their numbers since Vietnam Are relatively few. In fiscal 1993, the . Military recorded 1,244 deaths. There were 1,332 in 1992, and 1,787 in 1991. Families invest so much of themselves in the military Way of life that when their connection Dies they lose far More than do families in other occupational spheres. Quot in Many cases these spouses and loved ones left behind Are losing More than a spouse Quot Bowen said. Quot they re losing an identity a Community and a lifestyle perhaps the biggest question for the survivor is what to do  most widows Are told not to make any major decision in the first year. Our widows Don t have that luxury Quot said Shauna Whitworth the civilian chief of the army family Liaison office at the Pentagon in Arlington a. Quot being a widow when you re real Young is a lot different from when you re a widow at 65,&Quot Whitworth it said. Quot the decisions you make. What am i going to do with the rest of my life is a bigger  for Many the immediate answer is to go Back to their Hometown or someplace near what they have come to feel is their real Home. Quot generally Tsee an awful lot of them even some who go Home immediately after the death they will gravitate toward the military Quot Whitworth said. Gayle Edwards of grand rapids mich., holds the hands of her sons Bennett left and Spencer during the funeral for her Marine husband who was killed during the persian Gulf War. / a u 16 the stars and stripes a $ a saturday August 20, 1994 the stars and stripes 17