European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 18, 1980, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 20 the stars and stripes wednesday june 16. 1980 new marriage roles make men ambivalent about fatherhood modern living by Nadine Brozan new York time having a child will jeopardize my career advancement. How can i become executive vice presi Dent of the Agency it i regularly take time on for school plays and paediatrician appointments having a child will trap me in a of where i can earn sufficient Money to support a family rather than taking one that gives me personal satisfaction. Having a child will curtail my Freedom to travel to go out whenever i want. Having a child entails a lot of dreary physical work fatigue boredom. If i choose not to will i forever regret it these arguments arc being examined Wil deepening  by men who no longer assume thai Uliey will be i he sole family breadwinner and that their wives will  raise the children. The lug of War that in recent years has pulled women Between office and Nursery is now pull ing men.  Many households especially those in which couples arc Well educated and upwardly Mobile women expect their husbands to do More than Lurn Over when the baby cries Al night. Or Pilch a baseball on weekends. When Norm Wikler was conducting interviews for her Book. Up against the clock a study of conflicts Boot Chlu bearing faced by women she met some who make sharing of responsibility a condition of having a  Many demand Hal men not Only biologically lather inc child but play a major social role the assistant professor of sociology and women s studies Al the univer sity of California Al Santa Cruz said. As childbearing becomes More of an Issue for women men Are being forced to articulate and reflect on their own feelings As they never have  some couples the quandary is should we have children at All for others it is not one of should but when. Dur ing i hair 20s Many arc still in school or just Starling first jobs during i hair 30s, they arc solidifying i hair careers and in their late 30s and Early 40s, they worry about age related problems Anil changes in life styles. Leah Potts of Berkeley calif., a psychotherapist and social worker conducts workshops to help people decide. Many couples would like to postpone Chi bearing As Long As physically  she said. A 3s-year-Ou divorced writer from Manhattan. Who typifies Ibe ambivalence of Many men. Said be feb no pressure from Lime. I want a child but not now he said Pony five seems like a logical age. I have no sense of won t it be terrible if i can t throw a Ball around it s More important to put your prime years to their Best  in the meantime he wonders if children would prevent him from writing the big  would do that during weekends or other extracurricular time he said and children would make that impossible. You can t take As Many chances when you have , he asserted i have never considered not haying children. I want the full complement of life Joy. Birth death hardship dismay. I want to think that i be checked off All the  Sara Silverman assistant director of a treatment Center for detoxified alcoholics b lest certain of his future intentions. He sees himself As belonging to the category of men "1 think about my age 39, and i project into be fog 60 with teen agers. There s a pressure within me to participate. And part of me does t want to be held  who must consider in a conscious Way whether to have a child Al All. I think Aboul my age 39, and i project into being 60 Wilh teen agers he said. I think about being self Cen tired and wonder if i want to go through with it. There s a pressure within me to participate As much As possible and  of me does t want to be held responsible. There Are More practical considerations too for Sil Verman who married Alice Hershey 26, a third year medical student at downstate medical Center in Brook Lyn in  is sense live to the demands thai Medicine will make on her schedule and Energy but he also envisions himself As the breadwinner which precludes taking on the role of primary caretaker. Her profession is an Issue and time is the enemy he said. The passage of Lime also troubles Mark Ellis. 34, and his wife Peggy 28, who hate been married for 10 years. We both want children someday Ellis said. Otherwise All this Effort would be for naught we would have done All this living and experiencing just to have it trapped within  he to have a child Ellis said he would want to be Active As a Parent but that Prospect also causes con Cern. I m willing to accept my share but not More than my share he said. I Don t Winil to be the  right now a great portion of the housework Falls on me so the idea of a child makes me nervous in that respect he said conceding that the household labor is divided unevenly mainly because mrs. Ellis is an employee while he works for himself. For men accustomed to a two salary income Finan Cial considerations can be serious. Or. William Newman. 37. Chairman of the depart ment of psychology at Lehigh University in Bethlehem pa., has been married since november 1978 to a 30 year old research scientist. Although his wife is concerned about age he said we re marking time. We Haven t gone either  other factors he cited financial dislocation for the first few years my wife would t work and my feeling is that if you have one child you ought to have two so we re talking about three to five Yean on a single income. Besides that we have sufficient Freedom to travel to drive on whim to new York for dinner and the theater and that s based on the fact that we have a second  making the decision does not always mean the end of lodes Trenesa. Raymond Mitchell 36, of Berkeley Calif and his wife Wendy 35. Have a daughter. Devon born in March. Age got there before we did Mitchell said. We had t resolved everything when we made our Deci Sion but it was now or never and never was unacceptable when i projected myself 20 years Down the  now was not quite right either for Mitchell because he is in the process of writing his doctoral dissertation. First you ought to establish your financial Security he said then you have children. We Haven t done that. We had agreed he said that we would live on one salary for at least the first year but now our problem is who will work. 1 need time to finish my dissertation. If i work full time and spend any time with the baby i can t do that. If i work part time my income will be inadequate and my wife will also have to work part time so we would need to hire someone which we Don t want to do. And we be never considered thai she would be the one to work full time. In fact she s said she would like to stay Home and be the traditional  As it turns out parenthood Mitchell said. Is Noth ing like what i had envisioned you do your thing and 111 do  i m part of something different now a family and i must actively be a part of it he added. Otherwise i la find myself standing on one Side of the door and my wife and child on the  at wits end by Erm Bombeck Gail Sheehy who wrote  was one of the first writers to put our lives int predictable cycles the traumatic 20s, the illusion shattering 30s, and the restless 40s.heaven knows i m trying to keep on sched ule but it in t easy. One of my contemporaries said to me the other Day of course you know what Cycle we re in now Don t you when i looked puzzled she added we re in our giving the jewelry and goodies away to  Well if 1 wait for one of my children to show interest in anything i be got i la be too old to make the trip i can t remember at what stage material things handed Down became important to me. I think it was last year. All of a sudden i wanted to surround myself Wilh grandma s favorite mixing bowl my Mother in Law s Rocker lace Cov ered Charback doilies and piano shawls. There s a Pic lure of my Mother in bloomers sucking on a Nickel that i would kill for the past b not Hal important to our children. I got out a Box of jewelry the other Nighland showed it to my daughter. Just think. Someday All of this will be  i Bung a necklace around her neck like an olympic Gold medal. What is it she asked. Just a Lillic Bauble i got in the greek islands. Do you like in it looks like the Glass they use in Canning  Don t you and your Brothers care about things that have defied time and endured far beyond their expectancy we love you and dad. We always  i was not referring to oar longevity. I was talking about material things. Like my fur jacket i m Leaf ing ii to you you  the one with the feet and diseased toenails they re not diseased. That Coal is a  i hate it. It always looks like it s running away  the legacy Cycle must have been on my mind the other night when i fell asleep because 1 bad a dream about it. 1 was at a garage Sale when i picked up a piece of my Waterford Crystal that the kids had marked 25 cents. My autographed copy of Anne Morrow Lindbergh for 10 cents and a cup and Saucer that 1 lugged 4,000 Miles in my handbag from easter Island with a magic Marker figure of 15 cents on it. I Shook my husband out of a sound sleep. That rips it i said. If they think they re going to sell my Heidi paperweight for 35 cents. I m not going c flied enter Prui inc