European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - May 20, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 18 the stars and stripes May 1985 columns clothes make the not the mouse by Russell Baker new York i went out to buy Slacks and came Back with a jacket i didst really need a new i needed and now that 1 have a jacket i dont i still need so quit whining and go Back and buy yourself some you to which i can Only you dont dont understand at i am one of those people who Are Putty in the hands of some awful Mark i Bear instantly identifies me to salesmen As a Bush Caguco take he Day i tried to buy in the store the salesmen seemed to have nothing to do but study their but before i was four Steps into their Domain i could feel a sudden increase in the amount of contempt in the All Call it but i knew exactly what single thought was running through the mind of every Salesman in the that thought was As follows i cant believe entering right Here before my eyes is a customer with shopping skills so meager that his family ought to be prosecuted for letting the poor sap go out alone to buy a Candy ill sell him a jacket he Doest As i i knew this was the thought being universally for i had sensed the same thought being thought in past shopping for the time i went to buy a new Necktie and was sold a new overcoat and the time i tried to buy three undershirts Only to end up with a Black Homburg hat which made me look like the late John Foster that time my wife took a i dont want the late John Foster Dulles showing up at my House every night after she make them take Back that Homburg and sell you some undershirts in a Busy i told Why dont you take the hat Back while i go to the office and read the baseball news she was i a Man or a mouse a ridiculous had she Ever seen a mouse that looked like the late John Foster Dulles trying to Exchange the Homburg seemed the Salesman might seize the Opportunity to sell me a Swallowtail striped spats and an then i would look like the late Justice Oliver Wendell i dropped the Homburg Down a storm the baffling question is Why salesmen Delight in sell ing me clothes i dont a psychiatrist believes it is because salesmen sense that behind the dreary front i present to the world there lurks a repressed adventurer secretly yearning for the Romance associated with Wear ing loud raffish sport jackets and being mistaken for the late John Foster this is the kind of twaddle to be expected from psychiatrists when you try to get their minds off repressed sexuality and onto its my suspicion that far from trying to humor the romantic fanta sies of the incompetent enjoy being cruel when these pathetic people fall into their for i referred above to loud raffish sport and not would you believe that i once owned an Orange sport jacket not after my family insisted i take it Back to the shop and threaten to sue for pain and suffering inflicted on my next of i burned that jacket on a vacant lot in Jersey that jacket was sold to me in a Haberdashery id entered intending to buy a set of cuff i remember the Purchase for i could read the eyes of the salesmen As i entered the shop that Day and knew they intended to do something i recall Reading the mind of the Salesman who took me in hand thank for bringing this shopping in competent into my life this Day that 1 May at last unload that Orange sport jacket and win the Bonus promised the Salesman who gets it out of the i even recall some conversation cuff links not cuff not for a Man with your poise and sense of after sir would the late John Foster Dulles Wear cuff links let me show you a jacket in this years color it was All i knew i didst want it the instant i walked out of the whatever it i always know i dont want but not until the instant i walk out of the i knew that about the jacket i bought the other Day when id hoped to buy but All the Way Home i comforted myself with the thought that at least it int its in the Salesman said it made Rne look like the Young Jerry lets be thankful Tor a Chance to laugh by James Kilpatrick no aspect of the writers Art is truly it is no trick to pin up a paragraph announcing a meeting of the but once we get into the higher forms of prose we get into hard no form of writing is or More difficult to bring off than the writing of i thought of All this the other Day when i Learned that Calvin Trillin had published another collection of his pieces for the nation this is with All disrespect More uncivil it is almost unheard of for an editor or columnist actually to buy a Book we Are spoiled by review copies but i went out and bought trillions i Haven spent a happier 15 Bucks in trillions Genius is to make his stuff look he writes with such artful Grace and casual simplicity that his pieces flow there is wit aplenty and often biting but Trillin never slashes at his he teases the limousine Liberal and he spoofs a forgetful but he is never in one of his trampoline leaps into he imagines that Reagan runs into the White House Clad in White Reagan thinks him the chief of naval this is not Knees Lap extravagance in the fashion of but it is marvellously let me commend Trillin to those of you who Are students of his bag of tricks includes the series of Short sen often cast in the second person As it i went to boy scout Camp with Marc that s who Marc Rich is that what you said the if i May say reveals an abysmal ignorance of world Trillin then identifies Rich As a commodities trader who has been charged with tax Trillin deftly employs the device of that i went to boy scout Camp with in in we lived in the same the name of the Camp was Camp it was where boy scouts from Kansas City went to i can Tell that you dont believe any of to Analyse the innards of As Pope is to break a Butterfly upon a i ought not to attempt Trillin and Art Buchwald and Russell Baker Are like sabatinis who was born with the gift of laughter and the sense that the world was in these troubled and uneasy let us be thankful for a Chance to laugh with some As it Are funny More by Acci Dent than by a writer at new Day did a profile the other Day on Tom founder of a Chain of pizza Monaghan father died at a health column in the Catholic twin Circle dealt with migraine migraines strike twice As Many women As do in a reporter for the a summarized a pending Bill witnesses killed in juvenile cases could get the death penalty under a Bill the enter prise courier in Oregon City announced a meeting of a Home economics group at Gladstone senior Center Gladys Halsted will present programs on insects in the Home and women in sounds like a program that ought to be 1985 Universal press Syndicate for wait How Iwata Shock in6 indict Meffle of society wit Tobe Iff at a find today crossword by Eugene Sheffer across 1 part of a 4 under cover agents 9 school dance 12 who am judge 13 yugoslav 14 miners quest 15 fashion Able dwelling 17 Merkel 18 always poetic 19 class room need 21 islands 24 take out 25 gis 26 Nice summer 28 valuable fur 31 Stupey 33 French Painter 35 presently 36 biblical Prophet 38 eternity 40 cuckoo 41 acts human 43 like some cherries 45 name meaning 47 exclamation of disgust 48 pie Mode 49 Good poker hand 54 Spring in Paris 55 Eastern Christian 56 Heflin or Johnson 57 ampersand 58 Dens 11 pome fruit 16 education 20 i loved you 21 George and Barbara 22 concerning 23 Domestic servant 27 before 29 solitary 30 wife of Geraint 32 St Philip 59 paid notices Down 1 work As a Model 2wwii theater 3 Moon jumper of rhyme 4 plot 5 in pro portion 6 debtors slip 7 comforted 8 cubic meters 9 offshore 34 prevalent dwelling 37 kind of 10 French measure River 39 arabian solution time 24 Bath 44 poetic con traction 45 moslem tunic 46 dash 50 Caesars 52 51 grape 52 the Ballad of the cafe a 53 print answer to saturdays units he Fol mss hmh9 he has pm Fol soul sk8sh s1sb bl3hu ism 520 21 25 3t 36 45 57 22 46 23 41 16 18 32 13 26 37 49 55 58 33 42 38 50 19 24 34 43 47 28 39 20 35 44 14 17 40 51 56 59 29 52 11 30 53 520 Hubert hu0ert5 Barino hi9 new jacket look 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