European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - September 11, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 18 the stars and stripes wednesday. September 11, 1985 col inns things Are breaking Down All Over by Russeli. Baker we stand at the outermost Frontier. Human enlighten ment is far advanced. We can now say Cha person without feeling absurd. Technological Progress is Mirac Ulous. We have the digital Wristwatch. Yel things Are breaking Down. Three weeks after i bought a Roll of 22-cent sumps from the postal authorities the Stuckum had dampened sufficiently to glue the entire Roll tightly together. Stamps ripped apart in my hands when 1 struggled to Salvage enough of one to pass the postal service s rigorous inspection. In a temper i hurled them out the window. Things arc breaking Down i shouted. The splendor of our science tells us everything about breakdown. Old folks had to get by with Only appendicitis shingles and boils but we have a stunning array of medi Cal terrors. We have stress. We have Type a behaviour. We have stroke induce i by insertion of artificial hearts. Thanks to the electronic picture Miracle we have Doc tors available at breakfast to inform us about the newest bodily plagues. Yel things arc breaking Down. Two months after ordering a washing machine for a vacation House he bought my Friend Bob came by to weep. He had been to the huge National mail order retail House outlet that had taken his order. Why had t the machine been delivered the human robot Manning the inquiry Booth checked his electronic Mira Cle Box and said because you never ordered  Bob said the Miracle Box was an imbecile. The robot said you can reorder with me now if you want or buy one someplace  things Are breaking Down Bob said. Yet the machinery of efficiency has never been More Complete. Police squads and ingenious barricades at transportation centers and Public buildings combined with seat Bells and ingeniously designed highways insure an All time Standard of safety. We have the most advanced weapons Ever built. We have the car burglar alarm. Yet things arc breaking Down. A Young relative of mine ticketed by Highway police for driving 10 Miles an hour Over the Speed limit recently had her insurance cancelled though she had 14 years of driving experience without Ever being ticketed for a moving violation. The police Miracle Box had reported her ticket to the insurance Industry which had not been turning a profit in her part of the country. Because she shared ownership of the car with her Hus band for Good measure the insurance company can celeb his insurance too. He phoned me Long distance wanting me to Tell him things Are breaking Down boy and the Best thing for you to do is set your Drain Down in front of that Miracle Box with the fast changing pictures or else take a  he could not reach me. I had thrown the Telephone wire out the window in a fury at a mechanical voice that had been constantly telling me to dial my Miracle calling card number again because the Miracle number i had just dialled was not  it had got so that i had to dial the not valid number three or four times before the mechanical voice would say thank you and let the Call go through. So during a Marathon session when the voice had told me for the fifth time running that my perfectly valid card number  not valid i told the voice things Are breaking Down and threw the phone wire out the window. That was childish because we stand at the outermost Frontier where human enlightenment far advanced per mits us to say chairperson without feeling absurd. We have the digital Wristwatch we have stress not just boils and shingles and we have the artificial heart that can induce strokes. We have the car burglar alarm the human robot the Miracle Box. We have couriers threatening to be stayed from the Swift completion of their appointed rounds by Snow. Yet things Are breaking Down. C new York times the proof is in the autograph by Art Buchwald while Buchwald is on vacation we arc reprinting some of his columns from the past i was sitting with Carol Burnett at the Kennedy Cen Ter at dinner when a lady came up plunked a piece of paper in front of her and said my son will kill me if i Don t get your  Carol signed it and the lady left with the paper clutched in her hand. Then Carol said to me do you really believe her son would have killed her if she had t come Home with the signature i Don t know. I be heard people say it before. I Fri less you can t take a  Carol said that s what i thought. Can t you just see the scene tonight if i had t signed her paper the kid is waiting by the door and says did you get Carol Bur Nett s autograph and the Mother says no she would t give it to me so the son picks up a Shotgun and shoots  it s obvious you prevented a Matricides i agreed. We started talking about people and autographs. I get threatened All the time Carol said. A Man last week told me his wife would die if he did t get a signature. He did t say he d kill her but he looked like he might. 1 Felt like asking him How she would die but i really did t want to know. Have you noticed when people ask for autographs they rarely admit it s for themselves it s always for someone in the family. A Man asked me for one last month and said it was for his Mother. 1 wanted to know his Mother s name so i would autograph it to her but he said he  Carol said some people arc rather strange about Auto graphs. There is the Type that always says i be never asked for anyone s autograph before then i say Are you sure and they get red in the  i wonder Why people want autographs i said. I think it s a question of credibility she replied. Someone says i saw Tim Conway in a restaurant and the person who is listening wants proof. No one believes anybody  you re right i said. I was once dining in a Madrid restaurant with Cary Grant and an american tourist came up to him while he was struggling with a plate of Paella and said How about putting your John Hancock on this paper Napkin Cary was furious and said my name in t Hancock " i know that the tourist said. " what do you want it for Cary asked. The tourist replied my wife won t believe i saw you unless i have your autograph Grant stared at the Man with steely eyes and said what kind of relationship do you have with your wife that she would t believe you if you say you saw me in a restaurant the tourist went Back to his table a broken  Many celebrities Are so used to signing autographs that they do it automatically. The great football coach Vince Lombard used to sit at the first table at Duke Zeibert s restaurant in Washington. One time at lunch a Little boy of 10 came shyly up to the table and before he could say anything Lombard took a menu and signed if for him. The boy said i Don t want a menu. I want to borrow the  another lady came up to Carol and said can i have your autograph who do you want it to Carol asked. Me the lady replied. Carol looked up and said me what the lady said just to me is  c lot Anoceto to today s crossword by Eugene Sheffer across1 past rank heroine6 Ain t shame?"8 Pierce 2 roman poet 3 pantry item 4 ripped6 Over balanced7 fencing sword8 sugary 9 Ark s Dock 48 valuable Possession 50 Meadows 51 first rate 54 grafted her.55  Orr. 56 Gam or Moreno 3 ready to eat4 stick 5 River in peru6 hebrew letter7 author Seton 8 place57 snug Home 9 Cut of 58 free59 forehead down1 some Are cast2 affirm beef10 Region 11 Root vegetable 16 greek h20 trick ,1 Murk s conveyance avg. Solution time 26 rain. 14 japanese Plant 15 cunning28 War god 0 the gums33 Rio de 34 soap plant35 society Page word36 party mix 17 wagers38 appends 39 chicag player 41 slav43 feels of Way ans. 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