European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - September 26, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns Loch Lomond monster photo by Cus Schuert or learning to live by the Ayatollah s rules for several years now i have tried and failed to understand the Ayatollah Khomeini. I Feol an obligation to do this since i am a card carrying member of the arrogant All powerful Media elite. The  is always gelling himself in the news of the . How can i fulfil my Mission of slanting distorting and tinting the news if i Don t know  makes him tick Why for example did the Ayatollah want to kill the Shah before he died of cancer ? Why is he afraid for men to see women in bathing suits Why is he willing to fight or to he last 8-year-old instead of cutting a Deal Why does he keep bombing Oil tankers when he s in the Oil business in such a big Way these things pu7/le me. It does t do any Good to talk to foreign policy experts diplomats soldiers or iranians. They Don t understand him either. At last we have a clue. According to wire reports an iranian living in Cleveland some people never get a break has published a Book that contains words of Wisdom from Khomeini the Man in Cleveland who begs that his name not be used had six scholars translate the Ayatollah s philosophy from persian. The Book gives the religious purity code that the bearded one Drew up for his shiite moslem followers. It is 432 pages Long and contains about 3,000 rules Lor clean living. Published by Westview press it s a steal at $32. I Haven t seen the Book yet but i can t wait to get my hands on one. According to the report i saw it has gems like this there is no concern in eating a living fish but eating a Locust that has not yet grown wings and by John Windrow staff columnist nor Fly is  i m All for having the lowly Locust a sporting Chance. What s the Challenge in catching .1 Locust that can t Fly that d be like shooting Quail off a Fence Row. But what s this stuff about living fish How is a Man supposed to Clamp Down on a Slippery Ftp cry finny fish of you can Swallow goldfish but what about someone with a Man size appetite where i come from we eat Catfish. Getting finned by one is like the death of a thousand cuts. If you step on a Catfish with your Bare foot you will probably spend the rest of your life walking with a is ick. And they have Teeth. They bite Back. 1 would like very much to see the Ayatollah eat a living Catfish. Or maybe a Gar. The Gar is All snout and Tail. As they say in Dixie he s bad As a Moccasin and he carries a Hacksaw in his  there is this a Fly Furrs in the Throat of one who is fasting it is not necessary to pull it  easy for you to say pal. I admit that it s pretty dumb to fast with your Mouth open but have a Little compassion. I Hope it never happens at my House. , Arr go choke gasp Garag Hack. What s that Dummy John doing Over on the sofa of he probably got another Fly in his Throat. He s fasting you  Arigh wheeze sputtir.bz/z/z7zzzz. Look the Fly got out All by itself. Last time he thrashed around for 20  of course some faster might be pretending to have the flies stuck in their throats to get something to eat. Bui then they re cheating and Haven t really got their whole hearts into fasting. The Book also gives tips on where to relieve oneself. Dead end alleys Are prohibited. This Means that certain neighbourhoods i Vesi in in Rome Are in big trouble with the Ayatollah. Going to the bathroom Over Graves is also taboo. How rude in my Home Hamlet in Tennessee there was a Case of a couple who were making love on a grave in the City cemetery. The Man had a heart attack and died. The woman screamed until some residents came out in their night clothes and pulled him off of her. People say that she s still a Little warped from it All. Maybe she knew they were breaking one of the Ayatollah s rules and suffered he consequences. I would like to offer one of my own he who ears a living Raf cannot enter  can you imagine following All the rules denying yourself Earth s Fleshy carnal and fattening delights Only to find yourself in Paradise at last sitting next to a Guy who was a carnival Geek ? stripes Magazine