European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 07, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 18 the stars and stripes monday. October 7, 1985 columns and perhaps angrily remind the Autler that not every Mother has an economic Choice. Another will resent the fact that the author blames feminism for the stress. A third will bristle at the implication that the children of employed mothers suffer. And then in a Little while he argument that has no final answer that remains As emotional As any in our Public private life fades out of print Only to Recycle Overand Over again. This time it has been written Large onto the cover of anew Book a Mother s  the author flags the dilemma this Way like Many women j was educated to feel that my career and my family should both come first. One Day i had to make a  i is Deborah Fallows a woman who wrote an Early Racli remont notice that ran some years ago in the capital City of work obsession Washington . It got notice and notoriety. Now in a More Subtle mood. Fal lows struggles to defend her decision to go Home without attacking mothers who arc employed. Her desire to be fair to employed mothers and even to Day care is Palpa ble. But in an Odd Way the very delicacy the very carefulness of her Book reminded me of How difficult it is for one woman to make claims on the turf of motherhood Nihoul raising the defences of other women. The qualified Bottom line for Fallows is this when Ever possible parents should care for children them selves. Other conditions being equal children Are More Likely to thrive when they spend most of their Day with i Parent. There is nothing intrinsically hostile about such statements. Yet it is As hard for an employed Mother to read those declarations neutrally As it is for a Mother at Home to react impersonally when in employed Friend exclaims All things considered the woman who stays at Home has  Impact on the world. On the whole the woman in the work place feels much Bill or about her  rim Lity is that women take these statements personally because they arc personal. The social argument that has filled to  is not Riboul the behaviour of rats in mazes but about How Vornen should live their lives and treat the people they love. We Are in a particularly uneasy state of balance now. There Are almost  numbers of mothers and Young children in and out of the work Force. It is one thing for these women in mixed company to join hands an Mouth support for each other s right to choose. It is quite another to believe it. Mothers May feel judged challenged by nothing More than another s decision. Tovery time a woman in an office leaves for Home every time a woman in a neighbourhood leaves for work there is a Ripple effect. The Waves of ambivalence can swamp self Confidence and even friendships. In such an atmosphere employed mothers share their anxieties most easily with each other mothers at Home Circle their own wagons. Each group May still More than occasion ally feel the other attacking. This social argument goes on and on because in fact there is no certainty no right Way to live. Even Fallows Bottom line that children do Best when they Are in the Day care of their own parents is a belief not a fact. In the business of creating our own lives or caring for our children we arc All experts and amateurs opinionated and Uncertain wildly subjective we have Only one Sample of children and a limited number of years and no guaranteed cards for our behaviour. Parents mostly mothers who have choices must make them. Not in a vacuum but in a space inundated with worries about our psyches and pocket books our children and selves the present and future. We do make these choices but our Confidence May be fragile and our skin thin. The shifting winds of the social argument blowing pros and cons at us. All too easily raise the hackles of our own anxieties. It Boston Tabe Washington Post Effing of Nape of problem by James Kilpatrick you disappoint me said Dorothy Robinson of port land Ore. She was writing about a sentence in this column in which i sought to provide an example of Horri dilation. I said that when a kiss in the Nape of the neck makes the Short hairs Rise and everything go Tingle Tan Gle. That s Horri dilation. That s redundancy said my correspondent. By definition the Nape is the Back of the neck. I looked it up and by George she is right. To write of the Nape of the neck is to write of the Back of the neck of the neck. According to the Oxford English dictionary the word Nape is of obscure origin. The of cites a reference in 1 347 to a gentleman named Felip who was Deal wounded through the  in 1656 a physician named Ridgley had a word of advice every morning rub hard the hinder part of the head and Nape. I am penitent but to Tell the truth i am not Overly penitent. The oed cites half a dozen quotations in which Nape of the neck appears. In any event i accept miss Robinson s reproach be cause it provides an Opportunity to warn once More against redundancy in our writing. To be redundant is to use More words than Are necessary. Free gift is a constant irritation. Free complimentary gift is eve worse. It is wasteful of expensive paper to write that at that Point in time Johnson was a majority Leader of the  All we need is "then.". Redundancy often can be avoided by excising the Little words that ride like Pilot fish upon the Back of verbs. We Don t need to Saddle up a horse close up a store fill up a tank or cancel out opposing Voles. We ought never to revert Back or recur again. And do let us avoid "8 .  it s k o clock tonight or it s 8 ., but it ought not to be both. This and that i commented a few weeks ago on presi Dent Reagan s interesting verb formation. He said he a quote a pimple on his face. It reminded me of the colloquial alternative to sneaked which is  readers have supplied a couple of others drag drug and slide Slud. The latter was a favorite of  Dean in his years on radio and to. Any other nominations the Brave new world of the computer is spawning words every Day. In info world an Industry Magazine we read that Norton uses rugged izod  manual lets us know that if you use header held data to re sort a report it makes reports customize ble. Another manual offers specifications for cables order Abl from  ugh sigh. Sob. Alas those Pesky homophones the Virginia Republican Magazine looking Back to the 1984 convention say that republicans did not appear to be phased by the heat in Dallas. An a sportswriter praised Merlin Olson As the most Inci Toful of All nil  under the heading of dad dangles Tot from three floors up the Winchester a Star ran an a Story from Vancouver . Here we Learned that several policemen stood against the Wall holding a Blanket to catch the boy Clad in shirt socks and a diaper if Nec  something there was dangling that s for sure. 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