European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - November 6, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 18 the stars and stripes wednesday november 6, 1985 columns Cor ments two a is Worth of lost knowledge by Russell Baker my mind is Dull company most of the time but some times when i first Wake up in the morning it is mildly incr Sling. Take this morning As 1 came awake the mind was saying two that probably does t sound very Lively to you i know. You probably Wake up to find your mind saying. Einstein had it All wrong when he said. A equals my squared " i know because my mind used to work like that too in inc old Days before it became the biggest bore in inc neighbourhood. I remember waking up one morning in 1939. It was much Loo Early to Rise but my mind was saying Isaac Newton had it All wrong about my mind suddenly understood the True Law of Gravity and i bounded out of bed to write it Down before it could slip my mind. While i was writing the mind started giggling. If you know so much about Gravity How come you tailed Sophomore physics it asked. I did t fail you failed i said. It was always like that then. We would argue for hour about which came first Gravity or Isaac Newton and whether chloroform or Henry James was the better cure for insomnia. In those Days you see my mind liked to Romp and frolic As yours doubtless does today provided you Haven t bludgeoned it senseless with televised sports und record Ings of the extemporaneous remarks of Ronald Reagan. But Back to two that s two bits As in the sentence "1 would t give two bits for the whole kit As i came wide awake my mind was saying i Haven t heard anybody since 1939 say two bits As in i would t give two bits for the whole kit and caboodle " now that i thought is an interesting thought coming from a mind As Dull As this but Why does t it Tell me when it last heard somebody talk about the whole kit and caboodle because replied the mind neither one of is knows what a caboodle is. Why get sidetracked in the dictionary when i am trying to be interesting i did know about the bit. It is 12v4 cents one eighth. Of a Dollar. Expressed As eighths in fractions it is a Standard monetary unit used in Slock Market Price quotations. Two bits is 25 Cen j. In its old Slang manifesta Tion not Worth two bits it was a Way of describing something cheap and shabby. But Why had the mind two bits on it when i awoke i was dwelling sadly on the phenomenon of lost knowledge it explained but faintly now for its Normal daily dullness was setting in. A generation had passed since it had last heard any body say two what if we were surrounded by an entire generation millions and millions of ostensibly Well educated americans who would stare in suspicious befuddle Cmunt if we came among them and said "1 would t give two bits for All the Lea in China something horrible like this can happen if you arc careless about carrying around old knowledge that has t been passed on to the latest generation. And there is always plenty of old knowledge that nobody troubles to pass to the latest generation. For instance i la bet scarcely two americans in a million know that Bill Shakespeare played in the notre Dame Backfield in 1935. If you Are unfortunate enough to know such stuff it is not a Good idea to let people know you know it. Too Many unpleasant conclusions May be drawn about you. For example 1. Anybody who knows things like that must be freakish. 2. This idiot is trying to show off by spouting Point less obscure information. 3. Only a monumental bore would bring a girl out in the Moonlight and Tell her the difference Between two bits the whole kit and caboodle and All the Tea in China. 4. Anybody who uses antique expressions like two bits must be an old fogey to be avoided like plague. I was on my feel and lathering my Chin before i grasped the idea i thought the mind must have had in mind. What you re getting at i said is that what s amazing about the new generation at any time in history is not How much brighter they Are than the previous generation but How they manage to be so Bright in spite of knowing so lilt my mind did t care. It had sunk into its daily Dull Ness. I be fax 1 thinking about baseball it said. The thing was t Worth two bit he Yort Tlam to woos Mikhail the Media idol by Art Buchwald every to network is feverishly competing to get a pre Summit interview with Mikhail Gorbachev. The person who will make the final decision is the incomparable soviet image maker Mik Deal Crvich. It was Dea Vervisch who sold the russian people on the fact that style Wai More important than substance. As Gorbachev s press chief during the recent soviet elections Deaver Vitch came up with the Catchy slogan vote for somebody who is red but not not Only does Deaver Vitch serve Gorbachev but he also works for the soviet Leader s wife. Moscow watch ers say that Raisa Gorbachev who is the real Power in the Kremlin does not make a move without first Check ing it out with Deaver Vitch. This being the Case i decided to pick up the phone and speak to the Man. The soviet operator put me right through after say ing thank you for using or. Deaver Vitch i m calling about the selection you have in make concerning the Secretary s first american television we Are noodling it. wait a minute. How will you arrive at your Deci Sion i Juit received the overnight ratings from our Kab Man in new York. Daniel rather Defeated Peter Jennings and Thomas Brokaw. What kind of a Man is this rather he s a very decent sort but then again so Are Jennings and Brokaw. The three Are Only a Point our mole at Abc says a Point Means a million viewers. I cannot allow the Secretary to appear in a vast so you re putting your boy on the evening news not what about late night the Secretary does t want to go head o head with Johnny Carson. Since our Leader is making Only one to appearance we re hoping to make the top would or. Gorbachev consider a walk on part in Dallas no. Our bulgarian agent in Hollywood reports it is full of filthy double crossing capitalists. What other shows would you suggest there is entertainment tonight Miami vice the Phil Donahue show and then my favorite wheel of Fortune the Best thing about wheel of Fortune is Gorbachev will not Only have a Large audience but he can also win some very valuable it s not dignified. Tell me what is this Howar Cosell like he tells it like it is i said. How do you mean like it is remember when Khrushchev took off his shoe and banged it on the table Well if Howard does t agree with the person he is talking to he does the same a fro Tum today s crossword by Eugene Sheffer across 41 general1 curve Bradley b Moonshine 43 Dumas Container 8 so noun tee12 Oklahoma indian13 Baba 14 Solitar Yib party swords Man 40 poem division go English far a hul51 More. Expensive 54 stupor65 japanese Shrub often17 Nick and Nora s dog 50 israeli18 prepare port to be 57 love Rod knighted 58 tit for 19 bed canopy 59 deep sea shockers down1 kind of beer2 town on the thames 3 word we Licone or dive4 discover 5 fruit preserve 6 rubber 7 pi8 Scourge s who s on first comic 10 poker stake 11 close 16 gums20 being 22 split23 one of the muses28 excavated 16 do passes avg. Elation time 28 Man Ana. To yesterday a Tuple 17 italian 29 detail31 make public32 Shu 34 King of Israel 38 Irish port40 Modem Noble Var 42 perform 43 egyptians Clink 44 paper Quantity 45 Rabbit stall 47 Blue or White 48 River Duck 49 table Crapo 52 Hare room 53 drunkard 11-6 Hubert vets the matter 0o/r3ends/elli ? sr.___t7 that darn Leo really annoys me
