European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - April 7, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 18 the stars and stripes monday april 7,1986 columns today s crossword lawyer Dobbins meet or. Green by Art Buchwald it had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a Stretcher rolling his head in agony. Or. Green came Over to see him. Dob bins he said. What an Honor. The last time i saw you was in court when you accused me of Doc Doc. My Side is on fire. The pain is right Here. What could it be How would i know you told the jury i was t fit to be a i was Only kidding Doc. When you represent a client you Don t know what you re saying. Could 1 be passing a kidney Stone your diagnosis is As Good As what arc you talking about when you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of Doc i m climbing the Wall. Give me let s say i give you something for a kidney Stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs ill sign a paper that i won t can i read to you from the transcript of the trial lawyer Dobbins Why were you so sure my client had Tennis Elbow or. Green i be treated hundreds of people with Tennis Elbow and i know it when i see it Dobbins it never occurred to you my client could have an excedrin headache you and your ilk make me Why Are you Reading that to me because Dobbins since the trial i be lost Confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady came in the other Day limping please Doc i Don t want to hear it now. Give me some you said during the suit that i dispensed drugs like a Drunken Sailor. I be changed my ways Dobbins. I Don t prescribe drugs then get me another there Are no other doctors on duty. The reason i m Here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the Only place i can prac if you give me something to relieve the pain 111 personally Appeal your Case to a higher you know Dobbins i was sure you would someday be wheeled in on a How did you know that at the trial 1 made a mental note that you were a prime candidate for a kidney you can t Tell a Man is a candidate for a kidney Stone by just looking at that s what you think Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury i knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third Day when you called me the Butcher of operating room 6 ? that afternoon i said to my wife that Man is going to be in a lot of pain " of Doc you be had your ounce of flesh. Can i now have my ounce of demerol i better Check you out Don t Check me out just give me the but in court the first question you asked me was if i had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if i did t do it now. Do you mind getting on the scale what for to find out your weight. I have to be prepared in Case i get sued again and the lawyer asks me if i knew How heavy you i m not going to sue you say that now. But How can i be sure you won t file a writ after you pass the kidney Stone c los Angeles times you re never Foo old of earn by James Kilpatrick the happiest dividend of writing this column if you will permit a personal word is what it does for my Optima thy. That is a $4 word that Bill Buckley once used when he was uncharacteristically moved to say a kind word about Nel son Rockefeller. He praised or. Rockefeller s Optima thy i.e., his ability to learn late in life. I learn All the time. For instance a Reader sent in a clipping from a Church bulletin having to do with a minister who the Reader and 1 both thought this was a Bastard word fathered by itinerary but before leaping into a denunciation i looked it up. By Jove the verb applying to judges and preachers who cover a circuit has been around since 1775. Another Reader forwarded an editorial from a Maryland paper. The editor was upset because the state and some of its localities were observing two different dates for the Holiday honouring Martin Luther King. The editor said this duplicity would have to Stop. Hoho said i there s nothing deceptive or underhanded about this. But my Edi Tor at Universal press Syndicate gently informed me that one meaning of duplicity is the Quality or state of being double or still another Reader sent in a column by James Reston of the new York times in which that venerable gentleman had used the word hoho said i. My brother meant but uttermost meaning the utmost utmost has been around since the 14th Century or almost As Long As Scotty Reston. One of the risks of writing about writing of course is that one becomes a fair target for critics of usage. The other Day i wrote a column about the teacher who was fired for speaking out publicly against the academic coddling of athletes. I said mrs. Kemp had a right of free speech. We All do. She had no right to teach at the univer sity of Georgia. None of us at the last count about 25 of you beloved readers had jumped me for none of us what about it in my own defense i cite Wilson Fol Lett s Wise comments on the number of it can be either singular or plural depending upon the thought being conveyed. There is no absolute Rule that none is always singular. In this instance i had two reasons for using i was thinking of a Large class of prospective teachers All of them in the same boat. The principal Rea son for using do was to Echo the preceding sentence we All to have written none of us does would have wrecked the effect. Another hiding came from William Puryear of Colum bus a. I had written that the tiny town of Washington va., boasts one of the finest restaurants on the East he wrote me a letter of pure anguish i m just about ready to give up. If you have fallen into the trap of misusing superlatives then there is no Hope for the rest of his Point was that the superlative denotes an unsurpassed there Are Many Fine restaurants but Only one can be the the subject has come up before. A year or so ago i confessed error and forsworn Ever writing again about one of the Best or one of the tallest or one of the oldest. Then i got to thinking about it. It surely is unobjectionable to say that 10 newspapers taken As a group make up the nation s Best newspapers. The new York times is on everyone s list. Is not the times therefore one of the Best papers if or. Puryear is right and i am wrong of Mea culpa Mea culpa and All that. Meanwhile one of the happiest aspects of writing this column lies in the letters from All the William Puryear who truly care about the language. C Universal press anyway when Igot Home it finally Jas a i Hap Tob your in a a fun suppose am suggestions Gould con Counselor tact the French police. A Toom by. Mow Mil if you negotiate for him. M sure just say you & looking Akir a Nanny. 2dm0/e Ama a of by Eugene Sheffer across 1 counter Feit 5 Jokester 8 fencing sword 37 hit to serial 39 who am argue 41 sight i Sicily 12 word with 42 see 31 nut or Needle 13 mimic 14 Camp sorg. 15 Canadia prov. 16 Beach Comber s find 18 social snub. 20 Dean Martin bashes 21 they re found on pitchers 23 corp. 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All son in Law xxx want me to look Nice at w Gollena Gellup pos Rovou suppose a wealthy millionaire took a fancy to marry me How much pipe do 5aythe hatwa5? i m not at All 9tin6x Elsie know know
