European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - July 31, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns Camp sweepstakes go to Andy and Fergie by John Windrow staff column he i knew a Malron once who cried her eyes red at every wedding she a Cal la but who sat through the most wrenching funerals silent and dry eyed. When i go to a wedding she said i Start crying when t see the cars parked at the Church. When i go to a funeral i can t work up a ear. Of course she explained i be been married and i be never been  i thought about her last week during Alt the Media hysteria and Royal fal Deral Over the wedding Al Westminster. Look at that train my wife shouted from the living room. That sucker must be 40 feel Long i had been Assignee Domestic duties and was grilling a Steak and taking a pull on a bottle of red wine in the Kitchen. Train i thought did she say 40 cars or 40 feel what s the German to showing trains for anyhow. I ambled into the living room just in time to see the Goodyear Blimp s shot of Sarah Ferguson crossing old fled and heading for the end zone to become mrs. Prince Andy. The train of her dress looked like the deck of an aircraft Carrier. Of she s so Beautiful in t she my wife said. I nodded. My old Man told me years ago that women believe All brides Are Beautiful on their wedding Days when they finally sink the Hook in for Good and he who mocks them does so at his peril. Sarah looked cute enough but i Don t think i d go out and Rob a Gas station if she asked me to. Randy Andy looked like he would though and that s what counts. I had hoped someone would throw him into a tub of ice water sober him up and say Wise up your Royal highness you re a Prince you Don 1 have to work you be got a swell wardrobe a sword a Carriage with real horses and More to exposure than Johnny Carson. Slay single and you can have All the ladles in waiting you  nobody did it. 1 guess it s illegal to throw a Prince in an ice Bath in England. Which is one of the reasons we fought the revolution against George i Don t forget at any rate it s Loo Lale now Andy has stepped off into the deep end of the Pool. The Queen and Prince Philip probably gave him a Royal command to take a wife. Royal to Sells like cola Beer Al a hot horse race and in s been a while since the great Chuck and i show. The hype keeps those tourist Bucks flowing into the country. You be got to hand it to the royals they make , Baum s antics look like a fire in a trashcan All those trumpets the banners the Gold braid the heraldry and cheering commoners. I Don t know who the Royal producer is but 1 suspect the Queen. She was first Monarch to be crowned on to and Ever since the royals have become More than royally they re show Biz Box office. There they Are on to nearly every week. The Queen Mother. Queen Elizabeth Darling i and now sumptuous Sarah. It makes the women of Dallas look Small time which hey Are. I enjoyed teeing the women s hats. I have this theory that women s Hals and shoes Are designed by misogynist of the first rank. Some of the hats looked like great dead Birds. There were gangster hats easter bonnets that displayed All types of Flora and Fauna Bolero Hals hats that resembled sombreros. There were fore and aft hats. How Many Miles of copy have been written about Princess i s half i m sure the one she wore was very Chic. I have no taste in these matters. But to me her hat a grand swirling affair with a huge brim thai turned up in front looked like a pirate s hat. It Only lacked a Skull and crossbones splashed across the front of that upturned brim then she could have carried a sword too. By the time i d seen the hats i knew i was going to watch ii All. Two thing struck me As unreal. First the Binning was Good. I be never been to a wedding Tinl had goad singing. Usually they let som while i dirt h female relative who thinks she can sing take .1 slab at it i assume the singers at Andy and Sarah ceremony weren t relations. The other weird aspect was that the children behaved. This goes against thousands of years of collective human experience. Children always rut up in Public. Every Lime i go to a wedding am spills something on me hat looks like it came from Union Carbide s Plant in Bhopal India. The  kiddies were incredibly poised when the  were rolling. Maybe it s in the Royal blood. Speaking of the kids boy does Prince William mama dress him funny. The poor Lille Guy Hail to walk Down the aide in front of god and everybody in a Sailor Suil with Short pants and a hat that Tike his mothers brought nautical adventures to mind. It s swell for i since she s a Princess bul William is a boy. He s going to have logo to school Semi Day and All of the other kids saw this on to. It s Goinn i o be ugly. I had read i hat Sarah would not Promise to obey her husband. This pleased me because my grandmother always told me in s a heinous thing in Tell a lie in Church. Nevertheless she did Promise to obey. I distinctly heard ii. Andy May be a Pri Nee by 11 Hope he does t get any delusions of grandeur. Women Don t obey anybody anymore. In Days past they Only charmed the men into thinking they did. How i Long for the pretence of yesteryear she gave him a look when she said  t did t catch it bul i la Wager it said boy. Are you n Jerk if you re swallowing this  and then they sailed out to face the mobs who had stood out for hours to see if she could gel into the Carriage with that 40-foot train. The to announcer said in was a particularly difficult moment for Sarah. It All seems nuts to me but i be paid Good Money to watch the University of Missouri football team play so what the hell do i know i do know this it s a Good thing Caroline Kennedy did t get married the same Day. She would have gotten no Ink. Dinner etiquette reaches a Fork on the table by miss manners United future Syndicate dear miss manners at a dinner party Jor 10 people the place letting for each included Chr Foini three uni act and four temp font. I picked up a Fork to eat my lid and the hot creamed Over the table to my utter embark Aumont pm you picked up the wrong  i Felt awful. I think it Wai in bad taste. Of you agree gentle Reader yes bul what do you expect of people who think that Teaspoons belong on the dinner table and that salad should be served Early in the meal never mind the details of that miss manners is Only citing them to show that people who Don t know a subject themselves Are often the first to criticize. Others for what they believe Are infractions. Correcting the table manners of a guest is a violation of etiquette greater than anything one can do with a Fork Short of stabbing one s Host in the Throat Wilh it. What makes it a particularly heinous offence is the unfortunate general belief thai etiquette arbiters do this that indeed etiquette Only exists at All to give them an excuse to humiliate others dear miss manners when a private citizen Payi admission to a performance to be entertained do the performers have a right to change the viewer into a performer Hin self without his prior consent i bought a ticket for what was billed at performance by duo organists. Nothing was uld about audience participation. During the show the performers had an audience ing along. Since i can t carry a tune 1 Juil moved my Mouth. But one of the organist could Tell i was t really ringing. He stopped the show came to the loll thu pointed directly at me and declared by you in the fifth eat of the third Row you re not  Needle to a thai Wai embarrassing. I fell like telling him off in front of everyone but kept my Cool. Had i interfered with hit performance i could have teen Tome Reaton to be injected into the How. Katharine Hepburn reportedly gave an audience member a Tongue lathing for popping � Flashbulb despite a specific request not to during a performance. There Are Alto audience participation show where everyone knows in Advance that they might suddenly be part of the How but by attending they consent to that. But what Rule do you think should prevail for the quiet member of the audience who docs not want to be in the limelight when he is thrust into a humiliating situation ii this Good manners on the part of a performer gentle Reader it is Only an illusion lh.1t there is any entertainment in this society or education or politics or anything else one used to recognize As a service to the Community. There is Only promiscuous emotional therapy. Everybody considers in his Job to tamper As he thinks Best with everybody s feelings. The show business subdivision of this activity lakes two Basic forms. Allegedly serious types of culture Are aimed at shaking people up and Light ones at loosening them  none of this has anything to do with the intellectual aesthetic or recreational pleasures that May induce one to Purchase a ticket. Embarrassment to the Point of humiliation is not recognizer by the practitioners As the rudeness it is they regard Ilas a tool toward your emotional development. In the face of such bullying bad manners the Only thing one can do is to refuse to cooperate. As your object is to avoid being made a Public spectacle it will be poorly served by your telling such a person off. Even departing which is a great temptation would Only serve As a Cue for another needling. Passive resistance Silling in expressionless silence is the Only recourse. It May not be As satisfying a protest As you wish but it will demonstrate the failure of the tactics. Juty 31, 7906 itt Lpes a Rigi