European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - August 20, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 18 the stars and stripes wednesday August 20,1986 columns from first to Middle to last byjoe Murray Lufkin Texas the other Day i was talking with a fellow i know and he passed along this Bil of Wisdom never Trust a Man he said who parts his hair in the Middle or his name on the  you probably know but i had to ask what h meant parting your name on the left. Like a Edgar Hoover and g. Gordon Liddy he said. Of i Sec i said. Or like t. Dicky  exactly he said. If that s what s in a name mistrust at least it s one problem i la never have. Nobody could be blessed with a More Middle of the Road Good of american Moniker than Joe. Thai s me just Plain Joe. Hello Joe what d a know i know i d be Rich if i had a dime for every time i be heard hat. My Middle name however was indeed a problem. So much so that t was forced to Stop using it after it was officially banned in the Public schools. No kid Ding. On the firs Day of the first Grade the leather was going Down the Roll and noticed there were two Joe de s. No matter that the other one was spelled with two d s. To her Way of thinking it portended of confusion and chaos in the classroom. This will never do the exclaimed and with a sweep of her hand changed me for life. Pointing first at Joe Edd key and then at me she decreed you la be Joe Edd and you la be just Plain  whereupon my Cousin Bubba immediately turned around in the desk in front of me and said hello Joe what d a know Yuk Yuk.  so it s been Ever is Nee. When 1 was idling this Story to my Friend the on who had explained the left Side of names and the parting thereof he said i should t feel badly. Al least 1 had a Middle name i could be proud of eve if i could never use it. Edward he said almost wistfully. If Only my Middle name had been  that surprised me because he has what i consider rather distinguished solid Businesslike name. I m no using his actual name but in i something on the order of let s say David c. Reba Neaon. But i had never asked before ind now 1 did what does the c stand for he paused a Long moment before answering. Clyde he said weakly. And now you know the worst Flo us me but i can Only imagine he continued How Dif Ferent my life would have been if instead of David Clyde Richardson i had been blessed with your mid dle  again he paused obviously repealing it to himself before trying the name out loud David Edward Richardson. Gee think of All i could have accomplished with an upstanding tame like that but i had to disagree and i told him so. There nothing wrong with Clyde. In fact. I said i sort of liked  Clyde Murray i said a bit Wistful myself. Gee think of the scores of Good buddies i could Nave had with a Good of boy name like Joe  for one Brief moment we were All but ready to Trade. And maybe we would have if he had t seemed so Overly eager to do so. It made me Slop and thin twice about what i was giving away what i was getting and moreover what i was getting into. In a Way it was the Crossroads of the fint Trade All Over again. Who knows How different my life would have been As Joe de instead of Joe or in the years to come As Joe Clyde instead of Joe. No 1 decided not this time. I m too old for new adventures or for that matter new aggravations. Because i know Good and Well that the first Lime 1 ran into my Cousin Bubba he d have something to say about it. Something like hello foe Clyde you sure Are wide. Yuk Yuk  it $ the old game of the names editor s note Art Buchwald has la ten a few weeks off he Ich behind several columns he round in his trunk by Art Buchwald one of the most fascinating things that is taking place in America s youth culture is that no one know anybody else s last name. The fact that american Chil Dren consider last names irrelevant seems to drive parents up the Wall. My Friend Zinsser tipped me off to this phenomenon. His 15-year-old daughter was giving him a hard time in his living room the other night when i went to pay a visit. It concerned a ski trip site wanted to take but she dashed out in tears before i could discover what the argument was about. Zinsser filled me in. I guess i m one of those old fashioned parents of the non permissive school he said. The argument you just walked in on is about a Rule i be Laid Down that Ellen cannot go skiing for More than 24 hours with any boy whose last name she does not  s a Tough Rule i admitted. The question arose Zinsser said because Ellen wanted to go on a three Day ski trip with Therese Betsy Randy and Steve. By some Freak Accident she knows Betsy s and Therese s last names but All she knows about Randy is that he lives in Virginia and Steve lives in Baltimore. For two Days we be been arguing about Randy of Virginia and Steve from Baltimore " i guess it s Tough on a father not to know a boy s last name i said. It probably would t be a problem if she just knew one Steve. But she knows three. There is also Steve who works in the carry out shop and Steve the Cousin of Tina " Tina who that s the problem. She does t know Tina s last name  maybe Ellen in t Good on last  his t Only Ellen. My 16-year-old daughter Mitzi is just As bad. The other night she asked to sleep Over at the House of a girl she goes to school with named Karen. I suggested we Call Karen s parents to see if it was  said she did t have Karen s Telephone number. I said we could look it up in the Telephone Book but Mitzi said she did t know Karen s last name. As a matter of fact the Only thine she knew about Karen was that her family has a House in nag s head . So now we have to refer to Mitzi s Friend As Karen whose family owns a House at nag s head . You have to admit that s a Mouthful. My son Chris said Zinsser is no better. He went up to new York last week with Bruce who owes him is dollars and Jim who plays the Drums in some band and David who cot kicked out of school " does Chris use his last name i asked. I Don l believe so. The other night 1 picked up the phone and the person on the other end of the line asked if Chris whose father worked for the govern ment was Home zinnser1 i 5-year-old daughter Ellen came Back inthe room. His name is Steve Jackson she said angrily. And what s Randy from Virginia s last name Zinsser  started crying again i knew you would t let me go skiing in the first  today s crossword by Eugene Sheffez across1 pm is measurer length 59 Tutor s Down Topes 43 Pitche Fernanda 45 selected Cousin above egyptian othe Ngod 47 seventh ii Odd planet scotch Flora Sun 13 the by afforded grate14 fait in in tonal boy Henitte tort Bwker port ii Tow and word Utah m City tit composure Sec Lar Elf Nln  amount a sol Mthm Tea 7h High sex 9 commonsense wllwr10 wings  Kiln 1 cried so now Hope  a. 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