European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - May 12, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns Zippy and Earnest and the  Summit by Dave Barry Knight Ridder  i was going to write about How we got this new hog named Zippy bul then in yet another shocking reminder of this nation s drug problem i got the pull scr prize for distinguished commentary. Really. I swear that i am nol making this up now i suppose i la be expected to writ about in Jar George will style issues you know things Tike the forthcoming historic Summit meeting Between president Reagan and he soviet Premier Mikhail. Us Baryshnikov. I be been devoting a lot of distinguished thought to Iii forthcoming Mieling ind my Frank prize winning opinion is i Hal it s going to be historic. To understand Why Lei s construct. Sophisticated analogy in which we compare the current International political situation to ,1 typical household that has had Only one dog for a number of a is when the balance of Power is upset by the sudden ind unexpected arrival of a new dog named Zippy. Ii was unexpired by me anyway. I Camy Home one Day and there is this thing maybe six inches High scuttling across the floor toward me making a noise Ihal ,1  blog might make if it had been inhaling helium. I naturally i ump d  this was a mutant hairy version of the Large steroid abusing cockroaches that abound hero in sunny South Florida and 1 was about in stomp it into a floor smear when my son dime running along behind it shouting dad i got a Angl we traded in the gerbils this last part was Good news because i holed the gerbils i haled them even More than the tropical fish. At least the fish were gracious enough once everybody got bored with them to die. Bul the gerbils Hung or month after month and All they Ever thought about was escaping which was not difficult because my son periodically forgot to put the lop Back on their Little Gerbil prison. Several times after i had gone to bed my wife sounded the Gerbil escape alarm and i found myself crawling around the Kitchen Stark naked looking for these rodents which we had to find right away because god forbid they could get caught in the trips we had set out to kill the regular civilian household rodents which of course look exactly like gerbils. So i was Happy to Sec the gerbils go but nol to see that they had been replaced by one of those very Short dogs that seem primarily intended by Mother nature for use As ear swabs i have always fell thai the Best kind of dog is the kind that professional breeders describe technically is a big dog. I Tike the Gung to Oliver North style of dog thai. If it s standing on the roof of a 56-Story building and you re standing Down on the sidewalk and you go Here Boyl hurls itself into space and splats joyfully on the sidewalk next to you. And months later when it finally gets out of the log Hospital ii cheerfully does this again we have such a dog named Earnest. She is part Labrador retriever her body and part celery her  nervous system mixture thai gives her the Power of a locomotive and the intelligence of a Sand Flea bul she is More than capable of executing her primary dog  1 waiting for food 2  food and 3 waiting for More food. For four years the household has been peaceful. But with the arrival of Zippy a guerrilla style dog prone to sneak attacks our household has developed International tension in the form of what future historians will Call the dog wars violent wide ranging Low Altitude Battles that Goon for hours. A person will be sitting in his office for instance trying to think up some distinguished comments and suddenly the door will burst open and a Large snarling mass of furred Slu Eldness will come whirling into the room bouncing off the furniture until finally deciding to hold the fight unto death directly under a person s prize winning desk. And thus in is with the United Stales and the soviet Union which Are like my drugs constantly at each other s throats All around the world and yet which at the same Lime have Strong common interests such As wanting la kill the mail person. Nobody knows Why. Perhaps tens of thousands of years ago vicious primitive mail persons roamed the Earth in prehistoric jeeps and did some kind of horrible thing to dogs and the dogs have never forgotten in. Whatever the reason from Lime to Lime the two major Powers arc Able to forget their differences and joining together to bark at a common threat in the same Way thai president Cagan and Premier,., us big Ryshikov Are getting together for these historic forthcoming Summit talks. Next week distinguished Booger jokes. By All Means Wear a boutonniere with your Tux by miss manners United future Syndicate dear miss manners As a not old Man who enjoys participating in social functions at which i can Shine As a specimen of elegance and aplomb i am about to broaden my horizons by the acquisition of a new Tuxedo and accoutrements. Can you please advise me of the correctness of wearing a boutonniere is it considered hopelessly outdated to there a particular time or Type of occasion when one should be worn t find the Peak Collar thirds that Are currently in Vogue just a bit foppish and affected. The Bouton Kre strikes me at a Subtle complement rather than a distraction. What do you think gentle Reader by All Means Wear a boutonniere. It is True that a Flower in the Lapel has become lit lie More than the identification badge of members of a wedding parly now that stores no longer have floor walkers Maurice Chevalier has left us and buttonholes Are often sewn closed. But wearing a boutonniere with evening clothes would not strike miss manners As affected. Rather she would say Ihrl it indicates a pleasant Jaunt iness which she heartily favors. Dear miss manners when ii is unclear whether invitations Are for business or social gatherings i respond Fay Telephone and a few minutes conversation usually establishes whether i am being asked in a professional of private capacity. In a recent situation however this did not work. A business associate whom my husband and i have come to Tike Personalty invited us to a sunday afternoon party at his Home. In response to my inquiry about the nature of the gathering he said i will be be wearing a jacket and lie we expected a social occasion Only to be confronted with a table with a sign in Sheet descriptive brochures and copies of his latest desk top publishing venture Lor Sale. Only when we had successfully run this Gauntlet whether we Bough a Book was watched with great in cent by other new arrivals and by our Host s wife stationed behind the literature tableware we directed to another area of the House where the party was Laking place. We fell very uncomfortable and left Early. In speaking to our Host later i indicated thai my husband and i had expected a social occasion rather than a promotional one and were rather taken Aback. He did no respond. An awkward situation has been created. We feel manipulated and Are hesitant to extend or accept further invitations. Gentle Reader miss manners rather doubts that there will be further invitations. While she certainly agrees with you that inviting people to a apparently social occasion in order to sell them something is an abuse of Hospital Ity the gather no could have been properly billed As a Book party in which Case you would have known whal to expect criticizing a Host is even worse. Dear miss manners my husband s i wife developed the rather elaborate plan of having his Mother and her Mulher accompany the two of them to their son s graduation. The impetus for this equal division of tickets became abundantly Clear when my husband s Mother declined to attend on the grounds that i As the Young Man s Stepmother and caretaker for Many Yean of weekends should be Here for the Celebration and the sex wife absolutely refused to give my husband a ticket for me. It s True that extra tickets Are nol available. Unfortunately instead of listening to the urging of my husband and his Mother inc has chosen to take both her parents with her to the graduation. Her Ion nil ratified her decision bul i say pity the poor child Pul in the Middle by his Mother. Are there any rules of etiquette that govern the division of places at graduation or am i along with other stepmothers Tell with Only common sense and common Courtesy to support my Contention that hit is a singularly vulgar display of pettiness and nol a perfectly fitting disposition for Lour places at a graduation exercise gentle Reader etiquette for stepmothers unfortunately requires a great Deal of forbearance under trying circumstance. Miss manners is confident that if you taxed your common sense and common Courtesy just a Tittle More you would realize that inviting a child a grandparents to his graduation cannot be construed As an insult in his Stepmother. Miss manners believes that if you Lake the decision cheerfully and assure him that you will be thinking of him with Pride on that occasion he will confide to you what a difficult Choice it was. May ii j9sb trip to mag