European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - June 2, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns tobacco Industry in danger of going up in smoke by Dave Barry uni he Ridder ii s Lime somebody spoke up for the troubled . Cigarette Industry. This anti smoking hysteria is gelling out of hand. Just recently Uherc was a chilling Case in California where an admitted smoker looked Oul his window and Walcher in terror As an angry shouting mob marched up onto Hii Lawn and in Plain sight of his family extinguished his flaming effigy. I Don t know what has happened to this nation. There once was a time Whin we admired smokers. They were our heroes suave sophisticated unfiltered Guys like Humphrey Bogart who used to smile that Cool knowing cynical smite of his and then As Only he could take a deep slow sensuous satisfying dragon his oxygen mask. That was in the later Days of Bogie s sophistication of course but those Days Are gone. Today lighting a cigarette in a restaurant is about As socially acceptable As wandering around and spilling into people s salads. On those rare occasions when you do see smokers put Oul their cigarettes in Public they always look around guiltily As i Hough they Are clutching Little packs of Adolf hitter trading cards. And so the cigarette companies Are hurting. 1 think we May need some kind of major even to draw Allenl Ron to irn if plight. We could have Ono of those gala All Star Benefit fund raising concerts it could be called Bull Aid and in the very end dozens of tobacco Industry executives could got up on stage join their Yellowish hands Rock Back and Forth in an emotional manner and sing the deeply moving tobacco Industry theme song we Are not convinced that there if a proven Titi ii Between smoking Jurf lung cancer. The first verse goes like this we Are no cough excuse me we Are cough cough. Hold it we rough cough cough cough cough cough spit " and you know these words come from the heart. These words Are backed by Icefine research being done Al the famous tobacco Institute which is staffed by leading tobacco Industry scientists using sophisticated equipment and wearing slate of Tho Art leashes. These scientists have been researching for years but they Are darned if they can find any evidence thai smoking is bad for you. Naturally they Are continuing to look just As hard As they can. First scientist Well Ted for the 13,756th consecutive Experiment All of the cigarette smoking rats developed cancer what do you make Ofil second scientist beats me. Bob first scientist it s a Puzzle All right Hoy look Al this these rats have arranged their food pellets to form the words cigarettes cause cancer you zit brains what could this possibly mean second Scie tial i m totally stumped Bob third scientist entering the room can you Guys give me a hand i need to screw in a Light thus the research continues Al lie prestigious tobacco Institute. Bui this is not enough fur the extremist health nuts. Do you know what they re saying now they re saying thai the Federal government should Stop subsidizing tobacco growers. I m serious they re saying it makes no sense for the government to protect Consumers by requiring that aspirin bottles cannot be operable by fewer irian three nuclear physicists then turn around and spend millions of tax dollars to encourage the growth of a product that kills 300,000 americans per year. To which i reply of yeah what about the benefits that All americans other than the dead smokers derive from cigarettes one major Benefit is of course Jesse Helms a Hel who was sent to the us. Senate by the tobacco Industry and who has fought to protect the interests of All americans whether they Are stockholders of re. Reynolds or merely stockholders of Philip Morris. And Lei s not forget advertising. The tobacco Industry spends millions of dollars on advertisements featuring photographs of extremely healthy looking Young people holding cigarettes and conveying via their Bright smiles and Carefree expressions the upbeat message hit we Don t have cancer yet in addition to being informative these advertisements Are a major source of Revenue for newspapers and magazines enabling us to provide you the Public with vital news coverage in the form of 75 stories o or week about the epidemic of crack cocaine. Of course that could be just another health scare. If you crack dealers out there were smart you d Stop shooting at each other and set up a crack Institute staffed by trained scientists to do some Long term research. Also you d Purchase yourselves some . Senators and you d pay big Bucks to us newspapers and magazines to run advertisements stressing the fun Side of the crack lifestyle. I imagine ave d Lake the Money. Hey a person has to live. Friends repay kindness with kindness not Cash by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i am the Only Home in my neighbourhood. Once in a while one of my children s friends parents needs a favor baby Silling rides for their children or some other Small help thai i can readily deliver. I Don t consider this a big Deal and no one has Ever tried to take advantage of me in a steady or obnoxious Way. On the contrary my problem is that some of the parents have offered me Money for services rendered and i just do not feel comfortable with this. Ii is True that my decision not to work has caused some financial hardship Al Home but my husband docs support us Alt. Avo arc not poor i understand these Good people arc motivated by the real concern of not Ever being Able o reciprocate but i still Don t want their Money. I have Felt More comfortable when people have Given me something from their kitchens or offered a Small present to my child whose Friend t helped. Even so nothing of the sort is necessary. I have stood there saying no thank you it was a pleasure to have Angelina in the House until i was Blue in the face but i have had Money slipped into my pocket when my defenceless arms were full of hungry children i have had Money left in the hands of children who were taught not to contradict grown and i have fell bad when saying shortly please 1 would feel insulted should i just gracefully accept the stuff and Lake everyone off the Hook or do you have 3 suggestion for a remark thai would solve the problem gentle Reader the most tactful remark of All is i m sure you would help me out if i needed it perhaps followed by a practical suggestion. Nice people can t stand always being on the receiving end which is Why these parents Are desperately trying to get you to accept Money. However unless you want to set yourself up professionally As the neighbourhood manager who lakes in the children Mcfie packages for a stipend not a bad idea by the Way you Are quite right not to accept Cash in miss manners opinion. Tipping friends for being obliging is insulting. But except for the few who have Given the appropriate tokens of thanks you describe these people seem unable to imagine How they could help you. So Tell them. After saying firmly i could t dream of taking your Money you could add but there s a movie Greg and i arc flying to see if there s a night in the next week of two you re going to be Home anyway could we leave Daniel with you or this makes in easier for me to ask you if you would mind dropping off my Library books on your Way to work even if they cannot comply Wilh the specific requests this should establish the idea that the proper Reward for kindness should be kindness. Dear miss manners wh4t i Enoy most about mass every sunday the Sermon which usually last 10 to 15 minutes. I find in distracting when there arc couples in front of me and the Man starts putting Hlf Arm around the woman and rubbing her Arm and shoulder up and Down not really paying attention to the Sermon. I get the feeling i m titling in a movie Heater instead of Church. Do you think this is proper behaviour i believe the lord deserves All our attention when we Are in his House and we should show our affection to him and not to our spouse or loved one. Gentle Reader no no one should cuddle in Church. You cannot control whether other members of the congregation pay attention to the Sermon but you do have a right to complain if people Are paying distracting attention to one another. You hardly need to invoke the authority of the lord for the simple Rule of etiquette that one does not nuzzle in Public. Such Public displays of affection Are also rude at movie Heaters when it is obtrusive enough to be distracting to others. June 3,1988 or Loti i Givine 3
