European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - June 26, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse The situation turns around and men Are More eager la pursue marriage. Guttentag and Secorro examined several societies with a preponderance of mates and concluded that when women Are scarce and men readily available a protective morality develops that avers monogamy Tor women limits their interactions with men and shapes female rotes in traditional Domestic directions. This is the pal Tern in most of the third world especially in the Muslim countries whore men outnumber women. When men compete for a smaller number of women the average age at first marriage is driven Down. Marriage rates climb and so do birth Rales. Homem akm becomes a primary activity at the expense of Lemale participation in the labor Force. The study by Gullen lag and Secord was published in 1933, right after the sea ratio or people in their 20s had passed the Point of parity 100 males Tor every 100 females. Bui the number of mates must Rise somewhat above pamily they wrote Belore there Are discernible social elects and that is precisely what is beginning to happen. Are there any signs that the transformation is beginning indeed there Are. For the Pas three years the average age Al first marriage Tor women has been dropping a signal that their relative under Supply is being Felt. Between 1986 and 19b7, for the first time in 20 years the number of family households grew faster than the number of non family households. And in 1937, a Rise in the birth rate resulted in the largest number of births since 1964. At the same time the divorce Rale Tell to its lowest level in 12 years. In the decade to come marriage and birth Rales Are Likely to Rise Tor several years before any change in the female labor Force participation rate is observed but a preponderance of males Over females is Likely to have an effect not unlike what happened shortly alter world War ii when women in Large numbers let the work Force to Start families. Should changes occur As Tor Casl a Large number of industries will be affected. Romance and courtship will be Back in favor so sales of Cul Flowers and similar girls Are sure to Rise. The future of the jewelry Industry especially diamonds would be especially Bright. The music business will have to respond to changing tastes As a Grossie Rock and Roll gives Way to softer love songs. After 20 years of declining sales companies that Caler to the Market for infants will see Strong demand for their products. Intall food toys clothing and furniture will be growth industries. In this scenario the picture is not quite so Rosy Tor the housing Industry however. A Rise in family formations Means a decline in the number of households since fewer people will be living alone currently about one Lourah of ail households Are single person. Not Only will there be reduced demand Lor new units but there will also be pressure for less costly housing in lower women Are bringing Home a paycheck. The new marrieds will be allocating dollars for the improvement of their Home bound Leisure activities systems that get movies into living rooms by one Means or another will do Well and so will subscription magazines gym sets for the children will find a seller s Market and Many families will be stretching their budgets to install swimming pools. Vacations will involve travel to Sites of family recreation. The National Parks Are going to be even More heavily used and Disneyland will find others trying to move in on its expanding Market. The travel will be done in midsize vehicles the stodgy family Van is the was of the future. The food Industry in the 1990s will have to base its Prosperity on whether or no the women of America Aro working. Initially the last food outlets will do very Well but a return to homemaking will mean a Rise in supermarket sales. Finally All these new Ami ties will have to be protected the insurance Industry can Only thrive under these conditions. A new traditionalism entered on family life is in the offing As the sex ratios change. Those businesses thai prepare themselves for this will fare the Best in the 1990s and beyond. Jio fowle3 in a prot mar of human Kytonen and i of Hamlot Clear . Trying to be Cule so that a Man would take care of me. I did t believe that i a woman could function without a sometimes the addict s spouse is so needy that she is willing to Settle for almost any mate and then convinces herself that she cannot live without that person. To one would love her Lor herself. The addict s spouse believes she must earn love and confuses being needed with being loved. She is As Schneider put it drawn to a Man who is needy who she believes needs fixing and she makes herself indispensable to him. Believing that the More she can do for him the less Likely he is to leave her she assumes increasing responsibility for his Lite terrified of abandonment the addict s spouse does anything she can to maintain Tho relationship ignoring her own feelings and needs excusing his hurtful behaviour and avoiding conflicts and confrontation. As a result she helps to perpetuate her spouse s addictive behaviour. By putting up with an unacceptable situation and deliberately avoiding a showdown she does nothing to Force her spouse to acknowledge his addiction and seek treatment. She can control other people s behaviour. Believing she can manipulate those around her to carry out her wishes the addict s spouse typically helps others do things they should do for themselves. Yel her continuing involvement in the addict s behaviour inevitably backfires. It works to perpetuate the status quo rather than stimulate change because it prevents the addict from the consequences of addictive behaviour. For example in the spouse of an alcoholic continually picks up Afler him and makes excuses Lor him St makes it easier Tor him to continue drinking and less Likely to seek treatment. Similarly it the spouse of a sexual addict keeps quiet about her feelings she allows her spouse to continue his affairs believing that what his Wile does t know won t Hurt her. Schneider s research revealed that the controlling behaviour of an addict s spouse May actually be a defense against feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. In childhood she Olen loll helpless to influence events around her the physician wrote. In adulthood she tries to control and manipulate her environment in order to avoid feeling sex is the most important sign of love. The spouse of a sexual addict lends to confuse sex with love and assumes that when a Man is sexual with her. That Means he loves her. She also believes sex is the Price for love and often will Caler to her partner s demands for sexual Novelty even if she finds them immoral or repulsive. As with addicts most spouses of addicts come from families that were in some Way troubled. For example there May have been an addiction problem in one or both parents. Or she May have been the victim of sexual abuse by her lather or another relative. Even in families that seemed Normal and Happy the roots of co addiction can often be found in a family pattern of suppressing emotions. Or the child May have had to live up to unrealistic parental expectations such As be Strong be perfect make us. Proud Don l be selfish or the child May have tried to be a perhaps by caring for a chronically ill Parent while excelling in school. Schneider submits that a healthy family does not necessarily mean an Ideal american family ii can be a single Parent family or one in which both parents work or one in which there is sickness or physical disability. However she insists it must be a family that nurtures the children and values them for who they Are so they grow up believing they Are worthwhile she added a healthy family is one in which it is acceptable to discuss problems and to express feelings in which expectations of the children Are realistic in which the values the parents teach the children Are actually lived by the parents and in which unacceptable Behaviours Are confronted and dealt with rather than covered up in Many ways abandoning the role of co addict is similar to recovering from addiction Itsell. Schneider outlines three critical Steps identify irrational beliefs and Behaviours that Are against your Best interests change those Behaviours and learn How to be Good to yourself so that you come 16 believe you Are worthwhile. In Schneider s experience recovery is Best achieved through a combination of counselling such As psychotherapy or marital counselling and attending peer group support meetings. Sunday. June 28,1988 the stars and stripes Page 17
