European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - July 23, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                By Marianne and Stephen Garber and Robyn Freedman Spizman Cox news service Reader s letter do you think that Good behaviour can be Learned during the teen age years in our son s younger years probably More negative punishment techniques were applied rather than emphasizing the positive. If Good behaviour can be Learned after their growing years Are the positive techniques applicable . Dear . When it comes to changing behaviour Many of us prefer rationalizations. The truth is altering one s behaviour is always possible but rarely easy. Rest assured that teen agers like adults and Young children can learn to change their actions a common mistake that parents make in teaching Young children How to behave is to Over communicate and Over direct them. When a child does t behave Well Many parents jump to action with More directions criticisms and explanations. Although frustration May Lead to negative consequences for the child the limits on behaviour remain unclear. The Cycle continues until the parents suddenly discover they have an acting out teen Ager on their hands. Not knowing what else to do they Clamp Down More firmly. The adolescent resents the sudden demands and rebels against binding restrictions. With fewer natural consequences in their immediate control parents of adolescents often feel helpless. At this Point it s essential to increase communication while reserving the consequences that remain. Yet without the groundwork of years of effective child management Mutual respect the basis for communication is difficult to achieve. However no situation is hopeless. Do not despair. You and your teen May need the help of a professional to change the patterns in your household but new pathways always can be established. Parents and teens can learn better ways to respond to each other. Here Are some guidelines you May find helpful find time to talk. If there is a problem work out solutions at times apart from the crisis. When discussing behaviour Point out both positive and negative aspects. Learn to listen so your child will feel More comfortable offering information and opinions. This will open channels for ongoing communication. State the problem calmly. When there is troubling behaviour define it clearly. Describing your feelings after stating the facts will help the youngster understand children can make positive behavioural changes during teen years your concerns you arrived Home 65 minutes late. When that happens i get scared. I imagine that you be been in an Accident and Are on the Way to the  have realistic expectations. Consider grades As an example. To Many students parents rarely seem satisfied. To appease a Parent a youth May agree to futile gestures. While he May be Bright and Able moving from an f to an a in one Quarter looms As an insurmountable feat. Negotiate an achievable goal for each grading period. You made a d in math. What would you need to do to get a c this Quarter negotiate rules and the Means to achieve goals that both you and your teen can live with. Again the Issue is reality. No teen is going to study from afternoon through evening without Breaks Day in and Day out until his grades come up. What does your teen feel he will need to do to achieve his goal before watching television talking on the phone or going out i will study for at least 45 minutes. I will attend class and go to the help sessions after school As  if your child needs help to meet these goals get it. When an adolescent is having great difficulty in school there Are probably interfering problems. He May have missed too much work to be Able to fill in the gaps he May have an undiagnosed learning problem his study skills May be weak. If an assessment is in order request the school conduct one or have it done privately. Based on the outcomes additional academic support such As a Tutor May be recommended. Define the positive and negative consequences. A contract is an effective Way to spell out the details of the solutions you devise. It should define the goal the responsibilities and the consequences. Add signatures to make the document official Parent teen contract to keep curfew Parent agrees to assign reasonable curfew for each event. Will arrange for Babysitter for sibling so teen can go out. Teen agrees to be Home within 10 minutes of curfew. Will Call if there is an unusual problem. Consequences if teen comes in on time five nights in a Row Parent will consider a Bonus night out. More than 10 minutes late leads to 20 minute earlier curfew next night out. Two late nights equals loss of one weekend night out. Signature of Parent s signature of teen Date Marianne and Stephen Garber and Robyn Freedman Spizman write a column on child behaviour for the Atlanta  Erma Bombeck for years parents have wanted some kind of general guidelines that apply to raising children. There Aren t any. They change every five minutes. I be heard mothers ask How Long should it take a kid to go to the bathroom that All depends. If it s his turn to do the dishes he May be in there until it s time to get married. If he bolts to the bathroom when you have just announced you have groceries to unload from the car the car will go out of style before you la see him. On the other hand if everyone is in the car ready to go to the circus he can pull it off in less time than it takes for his Mother to remind him to  if you re headed to the Beach he won t Goat All. Another puzzler is How Many children does it take to let the dog out usually four. One to ask do you hear the dog scratching at the door one to reason with How would you like to Cross four legs and Chew through a Doorknob one to threaten with extinction or worse let that dog out or you will never live to see another oreo cookie one to get a bucket and mop. Parents Aren t the Only ones with questions. Children want to know How Many kids does it take to go turn on the to set and see what s on again there s nothing hard and fast about it but if Mommy and daddy want to have an argument it will take every kid in the family to leave the room and push the Power Button to  another question that plagues children and is never answered How much fresh air is Good for me this is at the sole discretion of the Mother who locked them outside in the first place. It will depend on How Many soaps she wants to watch in peace How Long the Nap or How Many hours grandma talks on the phone this May seem strange when the wind chill Factor outside is 19 degrees below Zero but that s the Way it is. I asked a teacher once How Many kids it took to get a note Home for a Parent conference. She said in a class of 28, Only one note made it to the hands of the Parent and that was because she told the child it was a permission slip for Disneyland that had to be signed. She said that once when she was lecturing on the history of soybeans it took eight children to go to the office to carry Back a projector. All volunteers. It would be wonderful if parents and kids had some kind of permanent numbers to work with. We d certainly know where we stood and do away with All the hassle. As it is have you any idea How Many kids it takes to turn off one Light in the Kitchen it takes one to say what Light and two More to say i did t turn it  c 1988 Erma Bombeck Page 16 the stars and stripes saturday july 23,1988