European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - October 4, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse I 515 Uil he at the dinner table by Kevin Cowherd Baltimore evening sunt he waitress asked in anyone wanted a cocktail before dinner. I looked around at the grisly scene unfolding before me and said. Make mine a the 6-year-old was crushing a fistful of Saltine cockers into his water Glass. The 2-year-old was trying to crawl under the table bucking like a wild bionic each time someone tried to contain her. Finally there was my wire slipping into the Gray Dawn of hysteria which you could recognize by the Frozen half smile and the simultaneous Hinl of tears in her eyes. On second thought cancel that i told the waitress. No. I would need a Clear head to gel through this one. For openers i d probably have to huddle with a lawyer soon As there was the distinct possibility we d be slapped with some sort of massive lawsuit before this meal ended. At the very least we d probably to booted out of the joint once the greek owner go wind of whal these kids were capable of. Thai is one thing about the greeks. They Are a warm and gregarious people but they stand for Only so much nonsense in their bistros before threatening to run you through with a Butcher knife. As the chaos at the table continued with Saltine crackers flying hither and Yon amid a loud raucous chorus of old Mcdonald i thought Back 10 a conversation of a few Days earlier. Let s take the kids with us the next Lime we eat out my wife said. They Don l make leg shackles that i said. No they be Learned their table she said. They re very mature kids i agreed. You Don t believe any of that do you i will if you will i said. So that is How i came to be Silling at a table that resembled a toddler version of Bourbon Street no longer wandering Why certain species of animals eat their Young. Here is what 1 have Learned about taking Small children where decent god fearing Folk gather to eat in peace no. 1, giving them Salline crackers can backfire. Many parents feel it is perfectly of Lor kids to Munch on sallies. As it will Lake the Edge off their hunger and keep them quiet. This is absolute nonsense because in the hands of a bored child a packet of saltines is like a chemistry set. By this i mean that with saltines the Ilelle monsters can conduct All manner of hideous experiments such As measuring the thickness of crackers mixed with Ketchup gauging Ihler buoyancy in water testing their aerodynamic properties by launching them to other tables Etc so my advice is this unless your kid is up Lor Early canonization have the waiter lose the saltines. If you catch my Drift. No. 2, there is Only one criterion to use when selecting a restaurant to feed Small children and thai is How Quick do they bring the food do not worry about the Quality of the food As the kids will be doing somersaults in the aisles and will be far Loo Busy to eat and you As the Parent will be too stressed out to enjoy anything except a double Bourbon straight up with a Beer Chaser. Speed of service is All that matters. If an entree takes longer than say 10 minutes to arrive at your table you re playing with fire worse it could be the kids literally playing with fire setting drapes aflame or rocking the table to the tune of Row. Row Row your boat or wondering in a loud voice Why the couple at the next table is so big and Don t laugh. I be seen things like this happen. Ifs no a Prelly sight. So make sure the food arrives Pronto. No. 3. Once you be swept the table or Saltine crackers your Job As a Parent is by no Means Over. You know those Little packets of sugar you know those Lille plastic containers of Cream for the Coffee get rid of them. They re trouble. They can make Salline crackers look like instructional toys in is hands of a frenzied kid on a coca cola jag. I once watched a kid High As a Kite on chocolate pudding launch a plastic Creamer Halfway across a restaurant and then burst into hysterical laughter. They practically took the kid out in a straitjacket although that is a Story for another Lime. No. 4, no Mailer what is on tha menu the kids will want a hamburger. 1 Don l know Why this is it just is. Soil you re dining out with two kids and the waiter shows up tha first words out of your Mouth should be two hamburgers. Get pm Here in live minutes you got yourself a big thai s what i did. My lawyer says with a a Lille Luck we can get the Creek to Settle out of court. The teen drug of Choice alcohol by James Barron new York times standing in front of his seventh Grade class his hawaiian shirt a burst of color against the chalkboard. Willy straightened his aviator glasses shifted his weight from foot to foot and held out a 12-Ouncc can marked want some he asked the teacher his voice part bravado part nervousness. No. I Don t think so the teacher said. Sure asked w by i told you the leather thundered his voice suddenly angry i Don l wan Willy and 25 Middle school students in suburban Baltimore Are learning about drinking. Specifically by acting out situations that could arise in everyday life they Are learning How not to drink but this class is different from their other classes the teacher is a police sergeant with a ,38-caliber Smith & Wesson revolver at his hip. The students seemed not to notice the gun. Nor did they notice that the can that Willy uttered sol. James attender was actually an empty can of diet cola covered with a handmade Label that says but they paid close attention to Allander s explanation of How t Eop a use assertiveness passivity and aggression to pressure friends Inlo having a drink. As tiie hour Long session continued the students tried different ways of offering Allender a Beer. Some were polite some half hearted some overbearing. Allender declined them All. Later the class talked Page 14 the stars and stripes tuesday. October
