European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - November 17, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns a lesson in restaurant etiquette from the maitre d by Dave Barry proper i etiquette is very important i was reminded of this Reci Nelly when i to Ikert to lunch at and of those new York City French restaurants with it like i Hunt he do Queen fes the kind of place.1 where even i dishwasher we is a luxe do am they apparently have run very Low on food because they ire Selling it by the individual molecule. Also no matter How empty the is the d literally the big Kahuna always Ucli Tike he s not Sun if lie find a table for Low life scum such As yourself my minute now he expects Jacqueline Onassis id arrive accompanied by Prince Charles and la . Supreme court. You could put a Trench d Al the unlrnnct1lo, say Jupiter and had have i uple lined up for hours while he frowned at i Little , swing if he could possibly alg i ,11 personals ii Rifice squeeze i hem in. Tills kind at ii lilt Ideal place to learn the rules of dining etiquette Rii Quille incidentally is a French word wrong i got a lesson right Awny in the proper Way to make a person feel stupid for not. Wearing a Lii. See i was not wearing .1 lip. I hardly Ever Wear one except when something 1r.igic happens such As when a close Friend or Iri Verl uni Dies owing me policy is based on in article i nce read which i unfortunately lost but which was very scientific in the sense of having margins in concluded Thill ties Cut off Llu circulation to your brain. Take the Case of president Reagan. Lof instance. Ii is common knowledge Ihal after eight years of near continuous , his head looks .1 to smaller than in used to. In fact this subject actually dime up in one of his recent annual news conferences Sim Donaldson or. President is your head jelling Wii Iller of what president Reagan no. We remain firmly committed to our policy of peaceful superiority in the persian Hadd Cailil. so t oppose lies on medical grounds which is Why 1 was t wearing one who ii 1 coloured la Bunche de Queenie which in turns out has a mandatory tie Rule the idea apparently being that when the Bill arrives your brain will contain so Little oxygen that you will cheerfully pay it without even noticing thai for he same Money you could have retired1, of in s time for a restaurant etiquette quiz. Pretend you Are the maitre Dand i walk in Stark naked i the neck area and ask for a table. How would you handle this situation would you 1. Quietly and politely inform me that i could t Eal there without a lie thereby earning my undying gratitude and maybe even a Nice tip 2. Quietly and politely offer me one of those neckties manufactured during the korean conflict thai restaurants keep tin hand for the occasional Nan tie wearing mates such As myself and the Pope made up your mind of let s Lilly up your score. If you answered 1 or 2i regret to inform you you have no More grasp of Basic dining a Liquette than thai alien being who keeps lunging out from behind things and trying to Eal Sigourney Weaver because the Correct answer actually is 3. Vou look it me As though i am out on furlough from the new York slate institution for lepers with b.o., then you Lead me with obvious reluctance to a table near the Back where you turn to me and using exaggerated accent Ihal makes ii seem Jike the whole Point of the French language is to enable French people to sound snooty when they speak English you say in a voice loud enough la cause people at the other table to look up sharply "1 should ask you to Wear a lie bul i will Well. You can imagine How grateful i was to learn. That even though i was dressed incorrectly the maitre d was very graciously not going to do anything about it except inform everyone within the sound of ills voice. I would have Iliad to demonstrate my gratitude right i Hen and Here but new York has strict gun control Laws so i just sat and started at the lop menu in a Leenor Epe Cetie Mea Giurle set Pali and wished Ihal life had a rewind writ have Coquille salade Chiffon ape Pate Lefoie pebi60rd labouj6uisnonne. Mousse Alphonse and a 1969. Button so you could make the world go backward just like on a rental movie . And you d get a second Chance to use the Clever retorts. That you never think up until it s too Laic. I would have used the life rewind Button repeatedly in this Case because i thought of several retorts for the maitre such As i should Isk you to trim your nostril hair bul i will a should pour Bearnaise sauce on your Oil slicked head bul i will i should ask you o Bathe but i will 1 got this last retort thanks to Alert Reader Jeff Freeburg who several months Ngo sent me a letter from a Magazine called world press review staling that 18 percent of French citizens Bathe less than once a week. I remember my reaction upon first Reading this statistic. I Salel to myself i should use this in a column bul i will not woman advised to skip special Friend s wedding by miss manners United failure Syndicate dear miss manners for three years i enjoyed a Lovely platonic relationship with a gentle Man since i am happily married i made u Clear thai our deep relationship must remain platonic. Alas i Ell in love with him but then he found someone else and now he wants to marry her. He called to it la me. Of his wedding plans. I acted Happy Bill deep Down i am very Hurt and pained. I have just received the wedding invitation. Would in be permissible nol Toat Lindl what excuse can 1 give besides i broken Hurt do i j
