European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - November 24, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns substitute coach gets kick out of soccer but by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers it s 12 30 saturday afternoon and i m desperately trying to  the rules of soccer. I used to play soccer occasionally Bach in gym class in Junior High but the Only rules i can remember lire 1. You re allowed to hit the Ball with your head. 2. But it hurls suddenly however i need to know a great Deal More because in less than an hour i m supposed to coach my son s soccer team the phantoms Ages 7 nnd8,Ina real league game. The regular coach. Rick is on vacation for two weeks and he and some of the other parents thoughtfully decided to make me the substitute coach on the basis of my various qualifications the main one being that i was t there when they made this decision. The phantoms Are quite frankly struggling we re playing in a serious league mostly against older and bigger kids. Also to have been Deci mated by birthday parties. The result is that we re not having a Banner year in the sense of winning games or even getting the Ball Down the Field far enough so the opposing goalkeeper has to Stop picking his ear. Nevertheless i am taking my substitute coaching responsibilities seriously the Only problem being that t have no idea what to do. Of course i be attended a Bunch of games Over the Yean but All i Ever did was stand around with the other fathers randomly Yelling kick ill kick it i did attend a team practice earlier this week in Hopes of learning some strategy but unfortunately this was the practice a i which the official team photograph was taken which was very time consuming because every time the photographer got the team posed several players would be attacked by ants. Down Here in South Florida we have highly aggressive ants ants that make no distinction Between a cashew nut and a human being. You turn your Back on them and next thing you know you hear this rhythmic ant work chant and your child is being dragged underground. So the phantoms spent most of the practice swatting at their legs and moving Gypsy like around the Field looking for an ant free location and the. Only thing they really practice was gelling into team photograph formation i did speak briefly with Rick who gave me the following coaching pointers 1. The game starts at 1 30. He also gave me some Reading material he got at the league coaching clinic which i am desperately Reading As game time approaches. Unfortunately ii was not designed to be read by desperate unprepared fathers. It was designed to be read by graduate students to starts out with these Handy definitions. A. Principles of play the rules or act scr. Guidelines that support the Basic objectives of soccer b. Tactics the Means by which the principles or rules Are executed. C. Strategy which tactics Are to be used the arrangement of. And so on. I read these words several times gradually becoming convinced that they d make equal sense to me in any order. They could say strategy the tactics by which the rules principles support the execution. Or principles the strategic tactical arrangement of executives wearing supporters. I glance at my watch. Time to go a Hal i m sure feeling Well prepared now now we re at the soccer Field. The phantoms ire gathered around me awaiting leadership nearby our opponents ire running through some Snappy Progato drills. The phantoms look at them then look at me expectantly. My brain working feverishly under pressure begins to form a shrewd coaching concept a tactic by which we might be Able to cd Cuie the guidelines of our strategy. Of Guys i announce. Let s run some pregame drills the phantoms showing rare Unity of Purpo respond immediately. We Don t have a Ball they Point out. -. There was nothing about this in the coaching materials. Now it s time for the pregame talk. Of phantoms i say. Gather round listen up. The phantoms gather round. They listen up. It occurs to to that i have nothing whatsoever to Tell them. Of i say. Let s go. The game itself is a blur my sir Algy Yelling kick ill docs not seem to be effective. The other learn is scoring on us regularly. We Are not scoring at Alt. Our Best play consists of falling Down. I approach some of the other fathers on the sideline. What do you think we should Dot i ask. They do not he Silaoc we should go to a bar they say. In the third Quarter i change strategy from Yelling kick ill to Yelling Way Logoi this has no effect on anything but i feel belter. Finally the game ends. 1 attempt of console the phantoms Over Ihler heartbreaking Joss but they re beyond Consolation. They re now to racing around pouring gatorade on each of her. But i m sure they 11 snap out of it i m sure that come next saturday they la be ready once again to take the Field. Under their new substitute coach. My strategy is to be on the other Side of the state. Approaching the professor when school s Over by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners 1 am 35 years old and attending graduate school in the evenings. Because it s a Small Liberal arts College i be had the tame professor for several courses. I find him Bolh attractive and congenial in fad the longer i m in his classes the More i m drawn to him. I realize of course that our student teacher relationship mates any other relationship awkward if nol impossible. However after this semester i Don t expect to Lake any More courses from him and i was wondering if at hat Lime it would be proper to express my interest in him if so How we re both divorced t Don t know if he s seeing anyone and my dating techniques arc somewhat Rusty. Should i ask him Point Blank for a Date How do i phrase ill is it of to do in by phone or How a boil sending a hotel telling him How much i enjoyed All his classes and incidentally asking him out finally should my approach be an i prussion of interest or a very specific invitation the problem besides the fact that i m shy is hat while i m in his class even flirtation Semi inappropriate but after this course i m unlikely to see him often unless i make a deliberate of visit attempt to seek him out gentle Reader were your dating Skilli not Rusly you would realize thai you have Boutas Good an excuse As possible for approaching this gentleman when you Are no longer his student. Sexual harassment is a hot College Issue and you Only want to find out if he might develop an interest in you not whether lie considers you Worth risking his career. If you enjoyed his classes so much surely there is some Point raised in them thai has set you thinking and thai you wish to discuss More. In a Nolc or a Call explaining that you can ask him whether he would care to meet you for lunch to pursue the matter. Mis manners stresses the cover Story no because she thinks it is a Ladylike to give a Frank social invitation but because it is attractively flattering and also allows you both an easy escape if he does not consider himself available. Do not worry that he will miss the social aspect of your invitation. He has t been in school All those years for nothing if he says sure but i m awfully Busy these Days Why Don l you just Stop by during my office hour he is not interested. Dear miss manners my sister invited my family for Christmas dinner. Since her two daughters and their hut Bandt smoke i had to Tell her my family and 1 could not go because the smoke would make every 111. She acted cold v i love being with family for inc holidays bul i m allergic to smoke. My of her sister and her family. Offered to refrain for my take but no one in Ihli sister s family will agree. They Don t want to come Here because we Don t allow to nicking " my husband thinks hat my to Star should make in Clear to everyone hit the smoke makes me very ill and if they want a cigarette they should go into the bathroom or outside. He says the does t care about my Hillh or company. I can t help my allergy and i feel As if i m dividing the family i know that if the situation were reversed i would make certain no one. Smoked while she was present. Gentle Reader your relatives will have to face the fact that society has Changl a on this Issue and smoking ii no longer considered to be a Standard Liberty regardless of How it affects others. However much they suffer they will have to learn to curb the habit far Long stretches of time because Laws Banning smoking in Public Are being passed every Day. Miss manners would think it a dreadful shame if they could nol voluntarily bring themselves Lodo this for the Sake of having the family together at Christmas. She urges you to make your request As gently As you have Here not chastising them for the habit or for selfishness but pc adding the wish to see them without risking your health. Dear miss manners in my French class the teacher assigned a project for which each person needed a partner. I was asked by iwo people to go with them. One was a close Friend the other was a girl who ii not a person i like to be partners with because of her behaviour and attitude. No one wanted to be her partner. I told her that the close Friend had asked me first. I was lying. This girl is in some of my other classes. How do 1 avoid this problem if ii arises again without hurting her feelings. ,.  gentle Reader miss manners will try to control her Hope thai some student will take this girl on As a partner and Sel an example to her. Whal you. Asked is How to avoid her politely and the answer is to give a Blanket statement that you always study with certain other people and therefore know that they expect you to be available to item for class partnerships. November 14, i98& Tripet Mig Zinc