European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - February 9, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse My Vomm my i hbbmm9aam93frhrrgrmbhhbbincolumns imagine the Federal Treasury is an Apple pie by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers to understand Why we taxpayers need to become alarmed about the budget deficit let s compare it to a simple everyday household situation that even total morons such As ourselves can grasp. Let s imagine that we re a typical american family unit having our sunday dinner and for dessert we re having a Nice Home baked Apple pie that pie represents the Federal Treasury. Sitting around the dinner table Are the family members mom dad Sis Little buddy grandma and Uncle Ted who represent the various major Federal programs Little buddy alone weighs nearly 400 pounds. Now let s say that when dad representing our elected leaders starts to Divide the pie with a knife he discovers that there in t enough to go around and he has no Choice but to sell Sis to japanese investors. She was a Little snot anyway remarks Uncle Ted representing the general viewpoint. And that s the terrible thing about the deficit it s the Young who will suffer. We older folks must remember that the Bill for All the government programs that we enjoy today such As the stealth bomber will someday be presented to future generations to our children the Hope for the future the Young leaders of tomorrow who never Volunteer to clean up after the dog when it eats an entire can of Pla Doh and throws up in the shoe closet even though they were the ones who wanted to get the stupid dog in the first place. When we reflect solemnly upon the fact that it is these Young people who will ultimately have to pay for our massive Federal spending spree we have no Choice but to laugh madly until our dentures fall into our Cream of Leek soup. But this is no time for frivolity. This is a time to Ponder the alarming fact that we now owe As a nation approximately $2.7 trillion and if we Don t Start paying it Back soon a Man named Anthony big sleep Dicosma will come around and break according to figures recently compiled by the Federal Bureau of compiling figures approximately 476 million of our Kneecaps. What can we do about this the most practical solution of course would be to claim that we re not the United states of America. We could put a giant fake Mustache Over the Rocky mountains and let All our chickens run Loose and we d Tell our creditors that we Are actually Mexico and that it was Canada that ran up the National debt. A a but that As president Richard Nixon used to say directly into the concealed microphone would be wrong. No we made our bed and we can t Rob Peter to pay the Piper after the horse has escaped with the barn door. We need to make some Tough economic decisions and we need to make them now which is Why we Are so very fortunate that the elected leaders of our nation have decided to take time out from trying to get a $45,000 pay raise without voting on it to tackle this Pesky deficit thing. The key player of course is president George Bush. Displaying the kind of Gutsy political leadership that Harry Truman might display if he were the president today but remained dead our new president has developed a four pronged program for dealing with the Federal deficit 1. He will not Cut social spending. 2. He will not Cut military spending. 3. He will not raise taxes. 4. He will not come out of the bathroom. And frankly i Don t blame him for no. 4, because he s in a real Pickle. He can t raise taxes because he repeatedly swore he would to even going so far As to insist that people read his lips which he seems inordinately proud of considering that they look like Albino flatworms. He can t Cut military spending because Many influential and respected leaders of the loony right Are already convinced that he s a soviet agent. And he does t dare Cut social Security because the elderly a major political Force will take advantage of senior citizen discounts for air fares hotels restaurant meals rental cars Etc., to flock to Washington by the thousands and announce through federally subsidized bullhorn that they Are starving to death. So what is the solution How can we reduce the deficit without raising taxes yet continue to defend the nation and support the elderly in the manner to which they have become accustomed the obvious answer is we pay the elderly to defend the nation. Hey it might work a lot of the elderly where i live Are already driving vehicles the size of aircraft carriers Only somewhat slower. Of course this is Only a Broad outline of my proposal. I realize that Many of you have specific questions such As what and cancel my subscription but quite frankly i have not bothered to work out the details. I prefer to leave the nuts and bolts to others while i concentrate on the kinds of Large scale issues that Are of interest to global thinkers like myself and Henry Kissinger such As whatever happened to his neck questions about children fluster minister s wife by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners because my husband is a minister i frequently find myself in Small talk with people i Don t know Well parishioners their visiting friends and relations other clergy Etc. They often ask do you have children although this is a painful question for me since my husband and i Are in the midst of sorting out and treating multiple Fertility problems i realize that most people Are asking quite innocently in an attempt to open possible avenues of conversation. Usually i answer no i do sometimes it is appropriate for me to add do you that can launch the conversation in a different direction but often that is not a sensible reply. I expect people simply to let the matter drop when i Tell them i have no children. Instead i have been the recipient of the most appalling remarks including in t it wonderful that Young people can chose not to have children these Days without society being critical of their choices you ought not to wait too Long you know or you could have medical you re such a feminist you probably could t handle the demands of you really ought to see a doctor. They can do a lot these Days for people without of do you have some kind of problem sometimes i make a vague response such As Well we Haven t had such Good Luck so far but this rarely stops the determined who continue with their line of questioning. Often i wind up feeling just dreadful fighting Back tears and making graceless efforts to change the topic. I prefer not to offend these clods because of my husband s position. Any suggestions on How to handle the situation gentle Reader As you have noticed determinedly intrusive people Are not easily squelched. They can however be distracted. It is a great Deal of fun to hand out advice As no one knows better than miss manners but oddly enough most people consider it even More fun to talk about themselves. The solution to your problem is a Quick attack of counter questioning. Miss manners trusts that you will limit it to reasonably impersonal questions do you live near Here have you visited Here before and so on. The idea As you Point out is to find a topic of conversation. For this purpose do you have children is not offensive provided it is dropped after a negative answer. Miss manners does t see Why it in t sensible for you to return the question with everyone except the never married it is not inappropriate for the elderly for example. Of course one can hardly ask it of children but miss manners doubts they Are the ones giving you gynaecological advice. Dear miss manners i have a Gold Charm Bracelet which has a Charm with my Only son s name on it at one end his late wife s on the other and in Between three charms with the names and birthrates of my three grandsons. My son s wife died of breast cancer at 37, and my son has finally found a Lovely lady and is planning to remarry. I would like to get a Charm and put her name and Date on it to add to the Bracelet. Do i leave the first wife s name on it or do i remove that Charm i lean to leaving it on since she was the Mother of the three boys but i have no idea what is proper in this instance. I would appreciate a solution to this not so earthshaking problem. Gentle Reader whether this problem could become earthshaking depends on How you use the Charm Bracelet. Do you show it to people perhaps occasionally to your grandsons with a Little narrative and this is yours and this is your mothers and now this is your stepmothers if so please remove your late daughter inlaw s Charm immediately. Whatever the circumstances a family portrait even one done in charms contains Only one wife at a time. However if the Bracelet is worn chiefly for your own sentimental indulgence then whatever is on it does not affect anyone but yourself. Chere mlle. Manners recently i have been confused about the use of the French language in social situations. 1 am aware that in the Middle to late 18th Century and the Early 19th, one spoke French when one wished to be especially polite. Is this still considered Standard etiquette or is it passe gentle Reader it is not passe among the French. They and other people who can claim the French language As their own Are not considered pretentious when they use it. A number of French words and phrases have passed into general american usage and indeed Many of them "r.s.v.p.," for example Are associated with social life. Using these As if they were English which they almost Are by now does not cause the kind of alarm in americans that periodically overtakes the French when they notice How filled their modern discourse is with English words. But the unnecessary use of French purely because one thinks it Piffier than one s own native language is frowned upon. Lapsing into French was popular among pre revolutionary russian aristocrats and look what happened to them. February 9, 1989 stripes Magazine 3
