European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 04, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns will he give blood or will he Chicken out again by Dave Barry Knight air Lucr newspapers of his is it inc list Day of the red Cross blood drive at the Miami Herald. Either i am going to do it or for the umpteenth consecutive time i am going to Chicken out. The smart Money is on Chicken out. I am a world class Weenie when it comes to letting people Slick Needles into me. I firmly believe that if cod had wanted us to have direct Access to our bloodstream he would have equipped our skin with Small clearly marked doors. I be Felt this Way Ever since a traumatic experience i had in mrs. Hart s first Grade class at Wampum elementary school in the 1950s. There i was enjoying life and drawing unrecognizable pictures for my mom to put on the refrigerator when suddenly you never know when tragedy is going to strike mrs. Hart announced cheerfully that somebody named or. Salk had discovered u vaccine for polio. I had no idea what any of this meant. All i knew was that one minute i was having a Happy childhood and the next minute they were lining us All up in alphabetical order with you know who in front and in arching us to the cafeteria where we encountered ,1 Man i assumed this was or. Salk holding a Needle that appeared to be the size of a Harpoon. You la hardly feel it said mrs. Hart this being the last Lime i Ever trusted a grown up. And in got worse. It turned out that you had to get vaccinated several times plus there was talk that you had to get a Booster shot which according to reliable reports circulating around Wampum elementary turned your entire Arm purple and som times made it actually fall off. I realize now that or. Salk was a great scientist but at the Lime i viewed him As a monstrously evil being scheming in his Laboratory dreaming up newer More horrible vaccination procedures i be got it Well stick the Needle into their eyeballs.  and then travelling around the nation like some kind of reverse Vampire injecting things into innocent victims selected by alphabetical order. And when we talk about fiendish plots to Jab Large Needles into Small children we certainly have to mention the huge and powerful tetanus shot corp., which employed undercover agents who were constantly sneaking into my doctor s office getting hold of my medical file and altering the Date of my last tetanus shot. The result was that whenever i Cut myself sem seriously which was fairly often. Or. Colin would look at my file and  to my Mother Well he s due for a tetanus  but i had one last week i d shriek. They never believed me. They were grown ups so they believed the stupid altered file and sales continued to Boom at the tetanus shot corp. Of course i am no longer a Little boy. I m a grown up now and i m aware of the medical benefits of inoculations blood tests Etc. I m also aware that the actual physical discomfort caused by these procedures is minor. So i no longer shriek and cry and run away and have to be captured and held Down by two or More Burly nurses. What i do now is faint. Yes. Even if it s just one of those procedures where they pick your Finger just a teens bit and Lake barely enough blood for a Mosquito Hor d oeuvre. I m going to faint i always Tell them. Hama they always say. You humor columnists Are certainly thud i always say. One time this is True i had to sit Down in a shopping mall and put my head Between my Knees for a few minutes because i had stupidly walked too close to the ear piercing Booth. So i have never Given blood. But i feel guilty about this because More than once people i love have needed blood badly and somebody not me was there to give it. And so now i am forcing myself to walk Down the Hall to the blood drive room at the Miami Herald. And now one of the efficient red Cross ladies is taking Down my medical history. Name she asks. I m going to faint i say. Hama she says. And now i m sitting Down on some kind of medical Beach chair and a red Cross lady is coming Over with. With this bag which i realize she intends to fill with my blood. I am wondering if since this is my first Lime i should ask for a smaller bag. Also i am wondering what if she forgets i m Here what if she goes out for Coffee and meanwhile my bag is overflowing and dripping Down into the classified advertising department what if. Too late she has my Arm and she Sof no she is. Of noon tool Heyl look up there in the sky it s red Cross ladies several of them they re reaching Down their arms arc thousands of feet Long they re putting cold things on my head they re speaking. It s Over one of them says. You did  i d ask her to marry me except that a i m already married and b i d be too weak to lift her veil. But other than that i feel great. Elated even. I have a band Aid on my Arm a beige badge of courage. And somewhere out there is a bag of my blood ready to help a sick or injured person become his or her same old self again except that he or she might develop a sudden unexplained fondness for Beer Bride to be should Welcome Fiance s participation by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners my sister s Fiance feels he needs to know everything about the wedding plans and have the final say so about How Csc thing should be done even Down to where the bridesmaids dresses will be purchased and what style and color they will be. He even wishes to be present when such choices Are made. Could you Tell me what exactly is the jurisdiction of the bridegroom in planning a wedding by the Way the wedding will be paid Lor by the Bride s parents and each bridesmaid or her parents or the younger ones will pay for her dress. Gentle Reader some Lime during the usual engagement a tearful Young lady clutching swatches of material goes to pieces and asks her Fiance what do you mean when you say that either the Pink or the peach bows Are of with you Don t you even care about your own wedding 1 he idea that the wedding is of equal interest to both parties who Are getting married is pretty much a polite fiction. The Point is not who pays for it the father of the Bride would be similarly attacked by the Mother of the Bride if she had t been married Long enough to know better. No form of egalitarianism wipes out the fact that ladies Are More interested in the details of ladies dresses than gentlemen Are. Nevertheless it is the gentleman s wedding also and the right to participate in the planning is his if he wishes to claim in. You should be rejoicing for your sister. For the rest of her life she will be the envy when she shops of ladies whose husbands have dropped them off and run while hers sits on a Little Gilt chair and helps her choose her clothes. Dear miss manners in inc average Day i travel to Many offices. I am frequently offered Coffee or Tea and i am often inclined to accept. However before i do i wish to know in what sort of vessel it will be served Given the health a Ards i will not drink out of a plastic foam cup. But can i ask in Advance will you be using Chunat ii seems rude. Should i accept but then not drink inc beverage if it is presented in a toxic cup or should i refuse All refreshments on the Chance that the Container might be lethal if i carry a cup with me might i produce my own receptacle on the offer of a drink and ask that liquid be served in that gentle Reader although she has never cared to have a hot drink or food served to her in plastic or paper goods miss manners had not heard the theory that plastic foam is lethal. Pray do not enlighten her further on the subject. You cannot travel about with your own cup hoping for a liquid handout. The most miss manners will allow you to do is to counter the informal offer with you Don t happen to have a Mug around do you and if the reply is no continuing never. Mind i really Don t want any As if you had changed your mind independently of the form of service. Dear miss manners what is inc proper Way to cat a slice of pizza for an adult to pick up a slice and bite it looks crude. Arc you supposed to Cut it in Small bites and cat it with a Fork gentle Reader a lot of factors go into determining the Correct Way to eat a particular food where it is served for example and How in is cooked. Chicken at a picnic or fast food establishment is Ealen differently from Chicken at a dinner parly or a restaurant for example and sati teed Chicken is Ealen differently from Fried Chicken. Now ther Are gooey pizzas and pizzas that have been baked senseless. No one should have trouble eating the latter by and under All but formal circumstances but you Are Correct to guess that the age of the eater affects the Way gooey pizza is eaten. Grown ups with strings of cheese All Over their faces look a lot worse than Young people in the same condition. They should therefore employ Forks on which to wind any hanging parts. Dear miss manners a restaurant where we recently enjoyed lunch set a bread plate and an individual butter knife for each guest. Everyone used the individual knife to Transfer butter from the butter dish to the bread plate. However after seeing my friends fiddle with their butter knives on their bread i Felt compelled to resort to my dinner knife to spread my butter. My Mother feels that using a butter knife for both serving and spreading is Correct when an individual butter knife is provided for each guest. Gentle Reader in an Ideal world there would be a Butler spreader that each diner could use to Transfer butter from the communal dish to the individual bread and Butler plate. In restaurants we All do the Best we can. Miss manners is puzzled As to what seems to disgust you about knowing that the same butter knife that was in the common butter was also used to Butler bread. Most restaurants serve butter in individual pals rather than holds and anyway it in t As though your friends were Licking their knives is it May 4, 1989 stripes Magazine