European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - May 25, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns ground breaking help for humor impaired readers by Dave Barry knig lil Ridder newspapers today we re going in All Empl .1 ground breaking medical Experiment in an Effort in help those unfortunate readers who suffer from a tragic in million called humor  no no Dnn l laugh i Luxor impair Cal afflicts americans from ill walks of life. Look at Richard Nixon. Mere s .1 Man whose sense of humor was so badly stunted thai he a. Forced at while House social functions to Wear special under shorts equipped with radio controlled electrodes so that his aides could signal him via electric shocks when he was supposed to laugh. Sometimes if the guests were unusual y witty the chief executive wound up Wilc Hing like a fresh caught Mackerel As dangerous voltage Levels were reached in his boners. So it is possible or a humor impaired person through courage and determination to overcome his Handicap and maybe even someday like or. Nixon attain the ultimate politic Al achievement of not betting indie led. Hut in fore we can treat humor impairment we have to he Able to recognize it. Ii can affect  could have it. To find out whether you do. Ask Iii itself ibis what was my reaction to the Lirosi paragraph of this column did you think at la a thai Nixon sure is a Geek All right i this is offensive cheap vicious humor making fun of a former president of the United Stales a major Public figure on internationally recognized elder statesman just because he is a  if you had either of those heart ii. U Are not humor impaired because you Al least grasped that the paragraph was supposed to be Tunny. The humor impaired people on the other hand missed that Point entirely and they Are already writing letters to the editor they would t use electric shocks they would use hand signals or where can i buy a pair of under shorts like that Trust me i know these people i hear from them All the Lime in fact that s How i got the idea for today s ground breaking Experiment. I received a Large Batch of humor impaired letters responding to a recent column i wrote about mister language person and i was asking myself i Low can i respond to these people in a humor column when they Don t understand that it s supposed to be humorous that s when i  up with my idea. You know How some to shows Are closed captioned for the hearing impaired meaning thai if you have a special to Sel you can get subtitles Well Why not do Ilia with my humor so the rest of this ground breaking column will be close captioned or the humor impaired. After each attempted joke the humor element will be explained in italic Type in parentheses so Hal you humor impaired individuals can laugh right along will the rest of us. Ready i Lere we go. Many readers we re upset about a recent column by mister language person the internationally recognized expert thai s tint inn who periodically answers common language questions submitted by imaginary readers in other Norrs. / make the questions up All of mister language person s answers Are intended to be As accurate not True and informative Nof Rue. Either As is humanly possible while still containing words such As  Hooger is .1 funny Ward no item is Ever allowed to appear in mister language person until trained grammarians have indicated their approval by Barking Al it in an excited manner. Those ire . Those an my dogs although i had thought Hal the recent mister language person column met the usual High standards of accuracy everything in it was i Tronjo. It contained an item hat attached a very Large amount of mail from astute readers. This is sarcasm. Actually. Liese people appear to be missing key brain lobes these readers saw Llinat in one of the items something was wrong. Yes in a column Hal was basically a teeming writhing mass of wrong answers these keen observers were somehow Able to detect a wrong answer. Meaty sarcasm the item that virtually All of these readers focused on was the one where an imaginary airline employee asked whether it was Correct to say a bomb has been placed on one of you re air planes or a bomb has been placed on one of you re  this is Mil  How mines handle bomb threats As far is we know mister language person replied Hal the Correct wording was a bomb has been placed in one of you re  gel in it s still wrung i /.i,/m. Many readers fell this answer was incorrect and look time out from their Busy and rewarding careers in the demanding Field of food chewing 1  nil True to write letters containing quotes sue h As i am not making these up i was shocked with the grammar and never have i seen such a mistake in grammar and i sure Hope you remember this Small bit of information being As you Are a writer and you should have known it  Well leaders i be research ii this Issue carefully nol inn actually i  a 6rer. And although this is not easy for me to say i have to admit it your right. I Hanks or straightening me out. This Job would not be the same without you. I mean it. It might be belter but it Ami Hon l be the same Brief polite interest in child s photo was fitting by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners recently i have had the great pleasure of sponsoring a child overseas As a Oscr Parent. When i received a photo of the child i was anxious to share it with my co workers at our regular lunch Lime get together. After a Brief glance at the picture they unanimously changed the subject. It occurred to me that it might be a modern Gaffe to produce a picture of poverty Al the dining table. Perhaps other people s children whether natural or fostered arc truly a social bore. Can you help me understand Why this episode Felt so awkward gentle Reader miss manners can see that you Are trying to work yourself into a Funk about the callousness of the world and its indifference to poverty children Anil especially the combination of the two. She trusts however that you will not resist her attempt to head this off. It is too sad an occupation for someone of your generous spirit. The fad is that office workers no matter How superficially Clilly and Friendly have a limited interest in the unknown families of their colleagues. Unless there Are genuine out of the office friendships As Well they regard these characters in the reports of their co workers As shadowy figures. Once they heard the news of the sponsorship and duly admired the picture they had demonstrated the minimal interest required by politeness. If you want to table the Joy of sharing your fortunes with others you need Iii Nels 01 relations the kind of people whose children. Miss manners trusts ire of ele up interest to you. Dear miss manners my wife and i have been married for several years and have always had a Rocky relationship but have done a Good Job e f hiding it. Now i expect Hal we will separate. Should i pen a idler to our friends and family indicating that we Are to be legally separated when this actually does occur i feel this letter would help to quash any rumours or misconceptions that could arise. I would simply write a general form letter indicating Hal we encountered irreconcilable differences As a couple and Hal we intend to separate for a trial period. Do you see this approach As Pollic and helpful gentle Reader miss magnets Lias been holding your letter to the Light trying to discover which word is the genuine one to describe the informative letter you propose the Send the verb pen or the a Lee live  if you mean Ferm As in sending an announcement or a Standard duplicated Leller the answer is no. Unlike engagement and marriage separation and divorce Are not considered material for Public announce no its but or Cem Fidenco is. If you really mean that you still write individually to your Fri enels saying simply Marybelle and 1 have separated and she is living at her club then the answer is yes. A dignified statement of ibis change in your lives sent to those you fuel will be legitimately interested in knowing your news would be useful. Dear miss manners our daughter who is 23, wants a big wedding like the one her older sister had four years ago. But the situation is different. We have a Small family and in those four years some members of it died. The remaining Lew arc unable to travel easily. Our daughter s Fiance has an even smaller family. Between the two we might have 15 people. My older daughter married into a very Large family and they had most of the guests the guests would be their Young friends. They Don t even have grandparents. As if this weren t enough his parents arc divorced and his father is going through another divorce now. His Mother refuses to come to any part of the wedding if her sex husband comes too. She would either come to the ceremony and leave so he could come to the reception or vice versa. Where is it written that one daughter must have exactly the same As the other she has always been a Strong willed and stubborn child and can t be reasoned with. She has not spoken to me since i told her of my wishes. Please advise us if we arc off base nol to do the same for both daughters. Gentle Reader no it in t written anywhere Hal Sisters must have identical weddings unless of course you wrote an identical treatment clause into the House rules when they were growing up. That would have been nearly As dangerous a policy As giving in to tantrums which would encourage a child to grow up thinking that she could get her Way by shunning her parents when they displease her. Miss manners really meant to sympathize with you rather than to review your child rearing premises Al this late stage. She therefore proposes that you take the position  you Are indeed doing the same thing for each daughter you Are giving each a family wedding. That your younger daughter has made the situation different by choosing a Man with a Small family and a cantankerous one Al Hal is surely nol your fault.  a question on etiquette of write to miss manners in care of the stars and stripes Ai o 09211. Your question will be font added to her. Miss manners regrets that she can answer questions Only in her column. May 25, 1989 stripes Magazine