European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 28, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns let s look our Best when the asteroid gets Here for by Dave Barry Knight Ridder i was going 1" " my annual fall fashion Outlook until i found out about these asteroids that might crash into Larth Anil extinguish the human race. So i be decided to cover both topics because we definitely want to look our Best for fall even though in in pcs asteroids Are coming. You probably think i m kidding about this but that s because you did t read i age 3 of the aug. 1 j i Lerdahl. If you did you would have noticed .1 series of Small Brown spots where i spat Rny Coffee hit when i saw a headline that said asteroid will Fly close to this was followed Liy a Short associated press Story slating that a Large asteroid was going to barely miss our planet by roughly 2.5 million Miles on the following thursday. The Story quoted Leanor Helin a scientist at the h t propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena calif., As saying this would be the third serious asteroid to who past us this year possibly indicating that there s a population of asteroids heading our Way who h could be the Story ends with this cheerful quote from or. Helin it s the one we Don t see that s going to kill i m sure that your immediate reaction to this Story is the same is mine namely to ask who s making the journalism decisions around Here radishes i mean Here .1 reputable scientist Antoum ing that the i Arth is an up thrust target in in astronomical game of whack a mole and the Story gets stuck on Page. You to know what was All Over the front pages that very same week Neptune. This was when the news Media and the scientific Community were engaging in one of their periodic of spasms Over voyager 2. The pm by Little robot spacecraft that travels through the Galaxy beaming Back the exciting news thai every planet in encounters is basically the same toxic waste dump from hell. In this Case St sent Isle were calling urgent press i conferences to announce that Neptune has a lot of get ready methane. Yes. The very same Gas that Mel Brooks user to film the legendary bean eating scene in biasing . So what we have is scientists ant journalists dancing and singing far into the night to celebrate the thrilling news that Neptune is a orbiting clot of flatulence Anil meanwhile on Page 3, we find the news that the human race is coming within 2.5 million Miles of extinction. You re probably saying yeah but 2.5 million Niles is a Long of or. Tit is. Smarty pants try this simple Experiment let s say your nose is the Larth and your right forefinger is the Astero irl. Hold your Finger about a foot in front of your face then slowly move in toward you until the lip touches your lip directly under your left nostril. Now look in .1 Mirror. You look like an Idiol right so where do you get off claiming to be an expert on astronomical distances it just so happens that 2.5 million Miles is almost a in the words of or. Helin. Whom i called up in an Effort to get even More depressed about this Story. She assured me that near Jarlli asteroids come along quite regularly and that eventually there could lie a collision. Certainly it could of happen she said cheerfully. "we1 continue to find More and More objects that Are a threat to what happens if a big asteroid hits the Arlo fudging from realistic simulations involving a Sledge Hammer and a common Laboratory Frog we can assume it will be pretty had. Or. Helin said that if we got hit by an asteroid the Sie of the one that just missed us it would be .1 pretty unpleasant time for Mankind. It could be an extinction the Good news. Or. Oclin says is that if we see an asteroid coming and we act quickly we might be Able to Send a rocket out there armed with a bomb to destroy it. This Mode me feel a lot better Reali ing that we have the competence and intelligence to pull off such n feat until i remembered that the Spac e program is currently under the leadership of the vie e president of sir let s say this Golf Ball is the Larch and this nine Iron so the situation is still worrisome extinction Wise. However i remain optimistic and i la Tell you Why i legs Are Back for fall. Yes. This is the word from the highest fashion authority Vogtli . Which describes legs As the body part of the year in an article accompanied by photographs of extremely Short designer outfits thai look terrific on your typical professional Model weighing slightly less than a Box of Rice Kris pies but thai will of course make any Normal woman look like the Queen of the Hooker rhinoceroses. We re sorry ladies but ibis is what Vogue wants and you re just going to have to Ace Enlil the Way you accepted giant Clown pants Herman Munster Model shoulder pads and extremely Short hair apparently styled by Monsieur Henri s House of intense radiation. As regards the fashion Outlook for us men i was paging through cd , and in appears that we re supposed to continue clicking our hair straight liar k and grimacing As though we had just been offered a Nice steaming bowl of Leech soup. Also i noticed an advertisement for old spice deodorant thai said i m not making this up now your underarms can be where your head is which could actually be Irue when the death asteroid gets Here. Bride May Wear formal gown for 2nd ceremony by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i am planning a formal wedding and have a Difior Cnoc of opinion with my family a typical engagement period land mine. My Fiance and i had a very Small marriage ceremony before the army transferred him to we St Germany where he is now. He will be returning to the United Stales for the formal wedding and then i will go Back to Germany with him. We chose to Cigali a the relationship when we did for practical reasons hut both of us feel that a formal wedding ceremony is very important. We want to share the Joy of starting our lives together with our family in the traditional Way. When we decided on this we were advised on a couple of issues by our priest 1. The formal ceremony will actually be a reconfirmation of he a cams As the episcopal Church will not allow a second wedding ceremony for the same people unless they have been divorced in Between. Essentially the ceremony is the same with a few changes in wording. 2. He advised us to go Public with our married status to keep things honest. I have acknowledged to All my friends and family that i am already married but i have not started using my husband s name nor am i wearing a wedding ring. As far As my husband and i arc concerned our wedding anniversary will be the Date of the formal ceremony. My grandmother and aunt who arc filling the Mother role for me and whose opinions i value have held firm on one Point they do not feel it proper for me to Wear a formal wedding gown with a Chapel length train As i am a married woman. The gun i have chosen is not As elaborate As some but it s not simple either. The main Point is that i love in and feel strongly about wearing it. I do not want to ignore their feelings on his but is there a Correct etiquette procedure Here gentle Reader miss manners not Only takes your Side on ibis question bul admiring your wish to please your relatives will herewith Endeavor to bring them Over to that Side. Ladies we Are living in an age when some brides routinely Wear Lull regalia for second and third weddings. Gibers Wear in when the child in born in the c our hip period Are in attendance at the wedding. What your granddaughter Montec e is suggesting is something very different. She eels herself to e been married by proxy Solo speak to highly traditional situations where there would be both a civil and a religious ceremony a Day apart the wedding dross was v. Urn for the latter even though the Bride was legally married by then. So Lei this Bride Wear the dress she has chosen with your Blessing. Miss manners sees no question Bete of a taste violation dear miss manners when talking Over the Telephone Vith a person who lives and works in a country at the other Side of the Pacific Ocean where there is a time difference when in is evening for us it is morning for Themi say Good then i hear Good morning from the other end of the line. Which greeting is appropriate gentle readers tactful As it May be to Greet or respond to the other person in terms of Hal person s time 7omit takes the fun out of Roumel Law world cil a. The astonishment when one is forced to realize that the a world is round is customarily acknowledged by a chuckle and a Sale men such As Well actually it s morning dear miss manners friends of mine frequently entertain at dinner parties for six to 12 people. When the guests arrive the hostess puts out hours d oct arcs and the Host serves a round of drinks the two of them then repair to the Kitchen to put the finishing touches on dinner and the guests not allot whom know one another Are left to fend for themselves for a time. The Host and hostess do not return until dinner is served. After dinner the guests help Clear the table and Hen the Host and hostess put away the leftover food. That is understandable but then they proceed to carefully Wash every dish piece of silverware and utensil before putting them into the dishwasher. Once again the guests arc left to their own devices until the chores arc done. Is this the Way one entertains today gentle Reader you arc not exactly being entertained Are you Ted bul not entertained. Your hosts Are not alone in mistaking one a Lively for the other. The overemphasis on food in this society has led Many people to believe that the object of social ing is to eat rather than to talk. Thus while doubtless intending to give their guests a Good Lime your friends have deprived them of having the one essential ingredient for a Good party genial hosts. Had you wanted to spend an evening eating without them you could have gone la a restaurant. Miss manners understands that in is the desire to serve a meal As elaborate As that of a fully staffed restaurant or household Hal has led your friends to turn themselves into caterers at the expense of actually entertaining their guests. She wishes she could convince them Hal their friends would prefer the Effort to be put Inlo Friendship rather than into cooking serving and cleaning. September 28, 1989 stripes Magazine
