European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - September 30, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Do parents arguments affect children by Marianne and Stephen Garber and Robyn Freedman Spizman Cox news service Reader s question my husband and i have been fighting More in recent months. We have had some recent financial problems that i guess make things worse. Our children Ages 2, 4 and 7, hear us arguing and it really hurts me. I was raised in a family where my parents never argued. I be tried to Tell my husband that but he just gets mad that i m criticizing him. I love my husband and he loves me but what effect does the arguing have on our kids worried mom dear worried mom inevitably there arc Days when parents disagree you re exhausted working to meet a deadline or running in 12 directions at onco and you Don t handle a situation the Way you d prefer. One word leads to another and without really knowing How it got started you and your spouse arc arguing. Because you were raised in a family where you never saw your parents argue openly your disagreements Wilh your spouse May seem magnified when your children watch you Bicker resolve the dispute and make up. What do they learn they learn that Mommy and daddy Are not perfect. They do disagree sometimes but they find a Way to manage their emotions to solve a problem unfortunately. That scenario does t always prevail there a times when daring tempers Are not checked. Children Don i know that parents Don t always mean what they say nor can they see behind closed doors to know that parents have made up while your upbringing has led you to believe that you and your husband Are failures As role models you Are not the Only parents who argue in Iron of children. Furthermore your kids Are not the Only ones to have heard their parents raise their voices at each other. Although your disagreements May not present a serious Throat to the longevity of your marriage they do have an Impact on the family. What that Impact is varies from child to child and family to family. Some children Are More traumatized by disharmony. Other children learn thai when their parents Are upset with each other their unhappiness spills Over into other situations for a few hours until they work things out. But this occurs Only during a very Small portion of the Lime they spend Wilh mom and dad the children May even pick up a few healthy problem solving skills with other families arguing is the Basic Mode of operating. When parents lights repeatedly and less than agreeably the kids May become hardened to the negative language and rising voices but they Don t forget them constant warfare is no something easily ignored these children May succumb to the discord Wilh emotional problems or Manifest physical symptoms. They May experience loss of sleep problems in school of Wilh friends. Because disagreements Are a natural part of a relationship it s crucial for parents to learn How to argue. Make the following Points something you and your husband Don t disagree about Don t involve your children in your arguments. Avoid placing your children in the position of being in the  it s Best if you can keep your spats private but Don t make the kids choose sides or act As go bal Wens. Don t argue about the children in front of the children the Impact of parents arguing is probably greatest when children believe it s their fault. Some children attribute All arguments to something they did or did t do. Try to disengage the children from the situation. Be real. Your parents probably did argue occasionally. They just carefully avoided doing it within your hearing. That s not always realistic either. You should t play act around your children. Kids Are very aware tuning into the emotional climate around them. Marriage is not Paradise found. People who love each other work at their relationship in some ways it May be healthier for children to see parents resolve some disagreements than to think the partnership is Only fun and games. When your children watch you solve disagreements you provide a working Model they can use. Let the kids see the  when the argument is Over let them know you still love each other and peace reigns again. They Don t have to know the details or who was right and who was wrong. 6 Don l make the children the victims. If you Are angry with your husband Don t take it out on the kids. Ii you need to take a few moments by yourself before resuming to the children. Thai s belter than giving them an earful because they left out a toy or the television set is blaring get some help. The worst kinds of arguments Are the ones that Are never resolved. Regardless of the immediate cause each disagreement turns into a rehashing of old issues. There is a Way out of revolving door lights but often it takes the help of a third parly. A professional who specializes in marriage counselling could help you change the pattern. Ever see the commercial where the husband and wife Are becoming stressed out elevator doors slam in their faces Coffee spills Over their desks meetings Are missed lires go Flat and dogs shake water Over their Power suits. What will they do to the Rescue comes the Telephone. They pick it up and Call Home and everything seems right with the world mellowness once again Hows through their veins. Right. And pigs have a new recreation dirty dancing. I have never in my life called Home from an out of town trip that my heart rate has not accelerated to the same level As a farsighted bullfighter s. A typical Call Home sounds something like this i it s  could you hang on just a second muffled cries a Barking dog. Doors slamming voices i have never heard before and an occasional phrase such As Don t bleed on Lati when the voice returns in says could you give me a number where i can Call you Back when i insist on knowing what is going on the next Lino i hear is a Are you sitting Down b Are you lying Down c is hero a physician nearby people who have to work late and Call Home for a Little sympathy and Booster upper Are in Lor a Shock. Are you going to gel daddy we miss you or ill keep your dinner warm grow up. You re the capper on a Day that already has seen a poker Chip jammed in the Var. A report card irom a daughter who did t pass so much As her Eye examination a Call from the insurance company thai just cancelled your policy and a dog that looks fat again. And you re going to hear saturday september 30, 1989 about it now in airports i be seen the line of daddies calling Home to Tell the family where they Are. None of them is smiling. Most Are just listening and nodding their Heads. When you think about it it s probably Why . Never called Home. If anyone had a reason to be stressed out and in need of Comfort in was this Little lost alien from another planet. Maybe he knew that on the other end would be a family who would get on All the extensions and duly report boy Are you Gonna gel it wandering away like that and getting lost. You be made Momma half sick. There s been a Galaxy wide search. Dad lost his Job. The Lawn died. You failed third Grade. Do you know How much it s going to Cost to Send a spaceship after you makes you think twice before you Roach out and touch that phone