European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 05, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns Mango tree scum vat make Florida Yard a Delight by Dave Barry Knific Ridder newspapers Wilh the it cent unsettling developments on tin world political scene particularly in the Middle i isl. I imagine Lylial most of you Are eager for .1 report on hit delightful Jungle we Call our Yard. We be moved to a new Yard which contains an alarming amount of nature. I m not talking about the Friendly kind of Yard nature that you gel for example in Ohio "1 he us Keye stale such As shrubbery and Rule Little furry baby buckeyes scampering around. I m talking about the kind of mutant terroristic nature we gel Here in Florida the assault Roach stale. Tor example we have frogs. It could be worse. Here s i kind of Toad Down Here thai if you lick it i an kill you. Now you re saying to yourself yes but who. Aside from Geraldo Rivera seeking improved ratings would lick a Toad the answer is More and More people. According to news articles that Alert readers keep sending me there s a Brand of Load Lylial secretes a hallucinogenic Suslam e when in gels excited and Licking this Load has become a fad in certain circles. I his news raises a couple of questions in my mind such As does this occur in so Ial settings do you have a group of sophisticated people silting around a dinner table finishing their Coffee and one of them reaches suavely into his jacket pocket pulls out this thing that looks like a giant wart with eyeballs and then lowering his voice suggestively says hey anybody want in do a Little Load also How do they get the Toad excited show it movies give in a Liny marital Aid also will free Enterprise try to Cash in on this will Anheuser Busch come out with a to commercial wherein some rugged looking workmen exhausted from a hard Day of not showing up at people s houses relax by taking some Man sized slurps of Toad Lite unfortunately i can t answer these questions because i m too Busy worrying about being killed by our Mango tree. Our new Yard has a Mango tree which i bet sounds like exotic fun to those of you who live in Normal climates right lust think of ill All the mangoes you need right in your own Yard the problem is that Mango Wise you Don t Nettl a whole lot. You take one bite and that takes care of your Mango needs until at least the next presidential administration. But the mangoes keep coming. They re a lot like Zucchini which erupts Oul of the ground far faster than you could eat it even if you liked it which nobody does so you Start lugging hundreds of pounds of Zucchini to your office in steel reinforced shopping bags hoping your co workers will be stupid enough to Lake some Home except of course they re lugging in their Zucchini All summer Long ions of in coming in until the entire office building collapses in a twisted tangle of girders and Telephone message slips and Zucchini pulp out of which new vines Start to Spring immediately. Mangoes Are even worse because a they grow in Trees and b they re about the size of a ladies Bowling Ball Only denser. They re the kind of fruit that would be designed by the defense department they hang Way up in our tree monitoring the Yard and communicating with each other via photosynthesis and whenever they see me approaching they fire off a warning Mango sending one of their number thundering to the Earth cratering our Lawn and alarming seismologists As far away As Texas the silly Hal slate. Even on the ground the Mango remains deadly because in immediately rots and becomes infested with evil Little flies and if you try to kick it off the Lawn in explodes a Mango grenade covering your body with a repulsive substance known to Bol Aniels As Mango poop Hal stays on your sneakers forever. As a result whenever you go Oul in Public your feel Are obscured by a Cloud of flies and the Florida natives snicker and say to each other look that idiot kicked a Mangol Lahah Shahal so i keep a wary Eye on the Mango tree at All times which Means i am in constant danger of falling into the scum vat. This was originally intended to be a Small decorative Pool with maybe a couple of cute Lille goldfish in it but at some Point a gang of aggressive meat eating algae look Over. If you tried to put some goldfish in there you d never gel close. A tentacle of algae would come swooping up Anil grab them out of your hand and then you d hear an algae burp. The Only thing Hal can survive in there is the giant arguing frogs. We be never actually seen them but we hear them at night when we re trying to sleep. They have a microphone hooked up to a 50,000-Walt amplifier and All night Long they broadcast the following conversation Frog one . Frog two disagreeing . You can Tell they re never going to work in out. Some nights lying in bed and listening to them i be thought about going out there to mediate but of course the algae would get me. You d have to be some kind of dumb Mango kicker to pull a slum like that. Heller Safe than sorry that s my Molto which is Why i d like to remind All Rny readers especially you impressionable Young people thai if you Musl lick a Load it should nol be on the first Date. A Cash bar at a party is a travesty of hospitality by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners for our 2sth wedding anniversary party my husband and i have found a Nice intimate restaurant that can comfortably hold the 50 or so people we plan to invite. We plan on serving a full course dinner and probably Beer wine Champagne and soda. The restaurant s owner has said we can have the party with or without an open bar. For such an occasion is it proper to say on the invitation that All i mention above is included but for mixed drinks it is a Cash bar should nothing be mentioned at All about liquor or should we just spend the extra Money and have an open bar we have noticed at other parties that when there is a Cash bar Many people stick to soda or whatever is included. When it is an open bar these same people have several mixed drinks. We Don t wish to be cheap and we want to do the Correct thing. Gentle Reader then help miss manners kill this travesty of hospitality called the Cash bar. When people attend business meetings where there is Little budget for entertaining it May be convenient to allow each to buy whatever drinks he or she wants. Bui this has nothing to do with entertaining a social custom whereby people offer their friends refreshment and because the purpose is the conviviality not the food or drink the guests graciously partake of whatever is offered. Naturally this Musl be scaled to what the hosts can afford. Beer wine Champagne and soda seem to miss manners to be a generous selection. There is certainly no Rule of etiquette mandating cocktails. Bui if you think your go cols would enjoy cocktails you should select a cheaper restaurant and one where the proprietor has a greater sense of propriety. Dear miss manners i have some questions about band and choral concerts and other school activities where parents attend to enjoy the performances of their children. How loud should babies be allowed to cry during performances should slightly older children be allowed to just talk in loud whispers or is banging the Seal in front of them with their feet mandatory How fashionably late should entire families including grandparents cousins and the like arrive and is it important that they disturb an entire Row of people when they sit Down or is in Only necessary to Alert a few people that hey came late should noises such As loud coughing be restricted to adults or arc other noises such As gum popping and or snickering considered part of having a Good time for Peers who Are perhaps not on stage but know the performers in the Case of coughing is it of to attend if you arc getting Over a cold or should you Only Force yourself if you have pneumonia do people with cameras need to push in front of everyone possible or can they simply arrive on time and obtain unobtrusive scats that allow them to get the pictures they want i know it would be impolite for principals or teachers who have worked with the students at rehearsals for Many weeks or months to clarify the expected behaviour ahead of time on invitations or in a speech just before a performance. However is there anything i can do As a Parent who would like to enjoy a performance without certain interruptions i know you recommend a Cool stare but i have found in the past that those who arc ignorant of the appropriate behaviour also seem oblivious to the reactions of those around them. Gentle Reader much As miss manners admires your ability to slate your complain backwards she advises you to come Oul with in straight at a meeting of the Parent teacher organization in your school. If you manage to slate your Case in a Good natured Lone implying that everyone understands the problems Hal led to these transgressions you will enlist sympathizers even among those who committed some of the etiquette violations but suffered from others. And indeed any Parent ought to be sympathetic about the difficulties caused by crying babies and bored toddlers about parental Pride prompting the desire to attend an event one in t really Well enough for or to record the occasion on film about the logistics of gelling a Multi generational family anywhere on Lime and about Sill Nesses associated will the age group of one s own child. Pulling rules of behaviour on an invitation would damage the dignity of the occasion in miss manners opinion. Rather having the students instructed ahead of Lime perhaps in an Assembly and asking them to explain the rules to their families ought to do it. As for on the spot corrections one step up from that Cool glance is a whispered i m sorry but i can t hear or see if you say this righteously the offender will turn defensive if you say it sympathetically As if truly sorry to have to add to the difficulty you will awaken the desire to make amends. V have a question on etiquette write to Mia manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 092 it. Your question will be font added to her. Miss manners regrets that she can Only answer questions in her column. October 1989 stripes Magazine
