European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 22, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse Columnists Noriega a red underwear says a lot about him by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers i guess you re nil As excited As i am about the upcoming fair trial and conviction of former panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega on charges of being a Little Toad faced human Spittoon. As you recall Noriega surrendered to . Soldiers in the culmination of a major military operation ordered by president George Quot Geronimo Quot Bush after Many anguished moments of agonizing Over what the official operation nickname would be. Among the leading candidates were Quot operation maximum stud Hombre Quot and Quot operation testosterone but or. Bush finally settled on Quot operation just and he sent 26,000 crack american troops Down there and they finally got or. Noriega. Then the Justice department issued the following triumphant statement Quot wait a minute our warrant was for an Irving Noriega of Panama Kansas Quot no really Manuel is definitely our Man. The state department correctly identified him in a police lineup that included a number of other dictators including baby Doc Duvalier of extreme luxury France and the late Ferdinand Marcos. Also our forces in Panama uncovered some highly incriminating evidence against Noriega such As that a Tipper Gore please shield your eyeballs a he wore red undershirts. Really. This was formally revealed by the . Military command and reported As actual news in All the Media including the new York times. There was Good reason for the extensive news coverage of or. Noriega s underwear. Because As americans we can All agree that there a something fundamentally wrong with a Guy who wears red undershirts. A regular american Guy wears the kind of undershirts that Are clearly specified in the Monroe doctrine namely White undershirts that Are actually Gray and that have pieces of elastic sticking out like escaping Worms. The Guy refuses to throw them away because he has had them since High school in Many crucial situations and he is probably More Loyal to these undershirts on a fundamental unspoken emotional level than to his spouse. This is the kind of undershirts i Wear and i m sure it s the kind president Bush wears too. But just to make sure i called the White House. Really. This is True. I was transferred to a person in Media relations and we had the following conversation me Quot can you Tell me what kind of undershirts president Bush wears Quot Media relations person Quot what Quot me Quot i mean they re not red right Quot the fellow said he d get Back to me and about a half hour later he did with the following statement Quot there is no information on i m sure there a a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. National Security probably. I m sure the fact that the White House has gone to such great lengths to conceal the nature of the president s undershirts does not suggest that they have any unusual characteristics such As a Little embroidered Bunny Rabbit or a Gold locket with a picture of Donny Osmond and As an american i am frankly not going to speculate about this in print. The Point is that we got or. Noriega and All that remains now is to give him a fair trial in front of 12 unbiased jurors with the mental alertness of moist towelettes. Because of course any Normal human being who has advanced beyond the spermatozoa stage already knows that he s guilty. So the question is where Are we going to find jurors who Are totally pathetically out of it it could be a real problem in Many areas but fortunately the Noriega trial will be held in Miami. My town. Believe me Miami is the Mother lode of Noriega jurors. We have people Here who make the Oliver North jurors look like Ted Koppel. I drive behind these people All the time. They la get in the left Lurn Lane which has giant arrows pointing left and signs that say Quot left turn Only Quot and when the Green Arrow lights up pointing left these people will attempt to turn right. And when you honk at these people they have no idea Why. They take both hands off the wheel so they can scratch the Points of their Heads which Are emitting visible question Marks that look exactly like the ones slug go used to Emit in the old Nancy comic strip. So i m sure the fair trial and conviction will go off without a hitch serving As a warning to brutal corrupt murdering dictators everywhere that they re going to feel the mighty righteous Wrath of the . Government unless of course they happen to be the brutal corrupt murdering dictators of China. In the latter Case they re going to feel the warm moist lips of . Government envoys smooching against their. Or shoes. We be decided to graciously Overlook the recent mass killings and remain friends with the chinese leaders because of Complex foreign policy considerations such As that they gave us that real Nice set of pandas. Recently we even sent totally renovated former president Richard Nixon Over there for a chummy get together. Or. Nixon by the Way wears four sets of Boxer shorts simultaneously not that this is any of your parties showed rudeness in airline incident dear miss manners a on a recent airline flight a fellow passenger demanded that i sit Down saying i was blocking the aisle while i attempted to place my carry on bag in an overhead compartment. He ordered me to get out of his Way at least twice. After i stowed my bag safely away i told him Quot you Are then i sat Down. Should i have said More less what sort of comment or other reaction is called for when an impatient fellow passenger orders one to step aside or sit Down to facilitate his boarding i realize that one is supposed to Call for a flight attendant when there is trouble stowing an oversized bag or if there is no room. This was a Case of a Small bag and ample room but others were impatient. Gentle Reader a miss manners has counted a series of Rud Nesses Here All lined up like weary burdened travellers in an air plane aisle. The first was committed by you. To Block the aisle dismissing the justified impatience of others was inconsiderate. Miss manners is aware that air planes Are designed so that passengers trying to put their Luggage away prevent others from boarding the plane but one must make the Best of it. When the Rush is on the considerate passenger Steps in to his or her seat while keeping a wary Eye on the overhead space to throw a bag into it at the first break. The second rudeness was committed by the passenger who used words or a tone that you considered an order. He should have said Quot excuse me please May i get by Quot the Correct answer to that would have been either Quot i m so sorry a just a minute please Quot or Quot certainly a miss manners noted with Relief that you committed Only a weakened version of the third rudeness which was to return rudeness with rudeness. It is rude to Tell an offender to Bug off telling him he was rude was bad enough. Substituting Quot i m so sorry sir would have been not Only More polite but More effective especially if you added charmingly Quot i wonder if you would be so kind As to help me with this a that might Speed things dear miss manners a when two couples Dine together at a restaurant is it proper for a husband to be seated opposite his wife or opposite the other Man s wife gentle Reader a at a free standing table the two gentlemen sit opposite each other As do the two wives. When there is a Banquette for seating on one Side the ladies May be offered that in which Case each gentleman sits opposite the other ones wife. Done task miss manners for a rationale. She would Only make one up such As Quot this is to prevent people from dribbling Forks Ful of a requested food to their spouses with the command lust taste this a Quot dear miss manners a what is the Correct response to a question concerning your sexual preference or a Flat out bold statement that you have Loose morals especially when your preference is not Quot interesting Quot and your morals Are not Quot Loose Quot but you d rather not discuss it. Gentle Reader a the Correct response is a booming Quot i beg your Pardon Quot it is accompanied by a shocked look and a turning away from the questioner who will then a assuming the person has any shame at All a apologize. Until people learn to recognize an insult when they Are Given one and not Swallow it because the insulted Calls it curiosity or sympathy or honesty or self expression such questions and comments will Only get worse. Dear miss manners a i have asked my Mother to be my Matron of Honor. I have no close female friends and my Mother and i have a close relationship. Still she fears that it would be incorrect. She promised to abide by your advice. Gentle Reader a miss manners wishes her great happiness in the role. How Odd it is that there has Long been the custom of bridegrooms selecting their fathers for the Best Friend role of Quot Best Man Quot but nut of brides selecting their mothers. Dear miss manners a As a Day care program director How do i get parents to shorten their picking up and chatting time at the end of the Day so that we can go Home on time arriving on time to pick up the children is not a problem. But parents feel so comfortable with the environment that they linger for up to 30 minutes after our closing time causing me and my staff stress and exhaustion by lengthening our workday. We have very warm Good communication with our Parent customers and i m stymied As my next recourse seems to be a step into rudeness. Gentle Reader a no it Isnit. Miss manners knows that you could t run an obviously excellent Day care Center a As you recognize the problem is a result of the parents satisfaction a without knowing How to slay Calm and polite under stress. One Way to solve this problem is by changing the logistics of the pickup routine. Could a member of your staff supervise outdoor play and hand Over each child As his or her Parent arrives that person would instantly turn Back to the remaining children. Meanwhile you would stay indoors doing paperwork from which you could look up politely a plainly available Only for important interruptions a if a Parent needs to consult you. Another Way is to say Quot look How Good Kevin s being that Sall right dear 1 won t keep your mom chatting any longer. See you fibr turf 22, t990 Tripet a squint 3
