European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - March 1, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columnists Captain tidy and neatness Man is. The jitterbugs by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers if you were to ask me How i came to be running after jitterbugs in downtown Miami while wearing Bright red women s tights i would have to say that the turning Point was a visit to my optometrist. My optometrist is or. Jeffrey Jeruss and although he looks like a Normal human being Only slightly larger it turns out that when it comes to littering he is a and i mean this As a compliment a totally insane. So am 1.1 hate littering. I hate it when you go to a Park or the Beach and the Day is suddenly destroyed by the arrival of the picnic people. You know these people. They have a Large nuclear powered radio and enough food to Supply several Canadian provinces and they immediately transform themselves into a High output litter machine cranking out potato Chip bags and Beer cans and Sandwich wrappers and Chicken Bones and critical mass poppy diapers that weigh More than the infant who generated them. And when it s time to leave they simply. Leave. They pick absolutely nothing up. They just walk away from what looks like the scene of a tragic dumpster explosion. And on the Way Home these people flick their cigarette Butts out the car window. Of course you would t want to mess up a Sharp looking ashtray not when the entire planet is available a a Good thinking you moronic slime excreting puke Heads. Why Don t you take your cigarette Butts and. Forgive me. I get carried away. But i never did anything about it except mutter and seethe until my fateful visit to or. Jeruss for an Eye examination. He was shining his Little Light into my eyeballs making that hmm my noise that medical professionals Are trained to make when i happened to mention littering. Suddenly Jeffrey was stomping around the examination room his neck Muscles bulging denouncing the Beer can tossers of the world and waving his eyeball Light around like the Hammer of Thor. Watching him i realized that i had finally found the perfect sidekick for Captain tidy. Captain tidy is a concept i be fantasized about for Many years. He is a masked Avenger for the forces of neatness. When a person litters Captain tidy comes swooping out of nowhere and explains to the Litterer in polite terms that he or she is being a Jerk. What kept me from acting out this fantasy was basically the fear of being embarrassed by which i mean having my nose punched backward into my brain. But i knew that if Captain tidy had a sidekick a Large sidekick that would be a whole different Story. And thus Jeff and i became Captain tidy and neatness Man. We assembled costumes consisting of the aforementioned red tights size triple extra Large plus red Superman style boots plus Blue shorts and shirts with our superhero names lettered on them plus White gloves plus capes made from garbage bags that blow out dramatically behind us when we run. If you had seen us your Only possible reaction would have been to say with genuine emotion in your voice Quot what a pair of  but we did t care. We were on a Mission. We rented a Black tid Mobile with very dark windows and we spent a Day cruising the streets. When we saw people litter we d leap out Rush up to the perpetrators pick up their litter hand it Back to them and say with deep but polite superhero voices Quot sir you Don t want to litter do you Quot inevitably they d look ashamed take their litter Back and dispose of it properly. One possible explanation i for this of course is that they thought we were dangerous escaped perverted tights wearing lunatics. But i like to think that they were genuinely impressed with our message. At one Point a Tough looking Street crowd actually applauded us for making a Man pick up his cigarette butt. And remember this was in Miami a City where armed robbery is Only a Misdemeanour. By the end of the Day thanks to our efforts Miami had been transformed from a City with crud All Over the streets into a City with crud All Over the streets. But at least some Litterer had been chastised and Jeff and i certainly Felt a lot better. I strongly recommend that you consider becoming a litter Avenger in your particular City or town or random suburban area. What s the worst that could happen to you of death. But probably you d do Fine. Just remember to be polite. Quot speak softly and carry a Large sidekick Quot that s Rule two of the Captain tidy code. Rule one of course is Quot always visit the bathroom before you put on your  disgusted by diaper changing incidents by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners a in this Day when nursing mothers see nothing wrong with nursing in Public we have also endured the effects of another Motherly duty a and while we were eating no less. The first incident happened while we were enjoying an ice Cream treat in a rather fancy ice Cream parlor. As we sat Down to eat the lady next to us proceeded to change her baby s soiled diaper on the table saying Quot boy i m glad you did t do this in the department  needless to say we gagged. There was no manager visible Only teen agers behind the counter filling ice Cream orders. We thought such a thing would not happen again but it did. It happened at a Nice place a carpeted floors cloth napkins a where we went for dinner. A family of grandparents parents and children came in. Halfway through our dinner the Mother changed her baby s diaper a on a chair this time not the table. The Quot event Quot was in our full View while we ate. What would be the polite mannerly response to such behaviour we were ready to report things to the health department or perhaps to scream. Gentle Reader a funny you should mention nursing mothers in connection with these incidents. When miss manners has pointed out that nursing a baby is not considered a Public function in our society she has always been bombarded with statements that Quot this is a natural function Quot and Quot it s More important that i tend to my baby s  so now we have the logical Extension.  manners chooses reporting Over screaming. The idea is to make these people Stop what they Are doing not to have a Battle Over propriety. Even if teen agers Are left in charge of an eating establishment they must be made to act responsibly. Tell them that what is happening is a health violation and should be reported immediately to their Superior. Otherwise you might add you yourself intend to report it to the health department. Dear miss manners a i am 14 years old and have been extremely close to a Young Man for seven months now. We Are not romantically interested in each other but do enjoy a Strong Friendship. My father thinks that it is inappropriate for a Young lady like me to Call a Young Man even if we Are Good friends. What do you think gentle Reader a miss manners is not in the habit of wresting More Freedom for Young ladies away from their propriety minded fathers. But she will agree that you have a Point. It is very Likely that your father does not really believe in Romance free friendships Between boys and girls because they were comparatively uncommon a generation ago. In the social pattern to which his Rule refers Young ladies and Young gentlemen Only got together on formal dates. Thus the Only reason for Calls or anything else Between those of opposite gender was courtship and the gentleman was in charge of the courting. A Young lady who violated that code was thought to be Pushy and desperate. She was a figure of fun in the household of the object of her affections and he was teased unmercifully about being chased. The pattern has now changed. Friends May Call one another without regard to gender and courtship is not so unequally initiated. It is also still comic and unpleasant for anyone to Call another person s household so often As to become a nuisance and a joke but that Rule applies to All. Miss manners Hopes your father will relent. Dear miss manners a a Friend of mine and her husband were invited to a wedding. Her husband cannot attend because of a prior commitment. My Friend has asked me to attend with her. The Bride is a casual acquaintance of mine but she is far closer to my Friend. Because i was not formally invited to the wedding by the Bride but will attend As my Friend s guest am i required to give a separate wedding gift gentle Reader a no you Are not required to Send a wedding present because you Are not going to attend the wedding. Miss manners will go so far As to say that you Are required not to attend. A wedding invitation addressed to a married couple is not like a pair of theater tickets that May be transferred to others. It is not fair to bridal couples to populate their weddings with guests once removed a people to whom they Are not close but who Are the guests of their guests. Had the Bride wished to invite you she would have done so. Dear miss manners a is it necessary to cover the Bottom of a tray plate or Platter with paper doilies when serving sandwiches cakes cookies or sliced meat i have also seen them used on a plate when someone was serving a dish of ice Cream or even a cup of Coffee. I have always thought this Tacky but it seems everyone but me uses them. Gentle Reader a Quot dangerous Quot is the word miss manners would use about doilies. She once watched in horror As a real doily was consumed at a candlelight dinner along with a chocolate mousse that the diner must have thought was unusually chewy. But even placed a Safe plate away from the actual food paper doilies strike miss manners As affected and silly. The sole charming use she knows of is when Little children make them into decorative snowflakes or Valentines. Dear miss manners a what do you do when a person who s been sneezing and coughing into his hand for half an hour suddenly without even wiping it off wants to shake hands gentle Reader a miss manners suggests that you cough too. Your hand will then be delicately cupped around your Mouth and you will Only be Able to smile helplessly instead of shaking hands. Anarch 1, 1990 stripes Magazine 3