European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 3, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                By Leslie Dreyfous associated press Eleanor and Isaac Cullick Are both the kind of people who take time to Chat with strangers but they were barely speaking to each other when their 12-year marriage broke up in 1971. Quot he was a lecturer. It seemed that every time he spoke to me it was a critique a said Eleanor. Quot i done to think he. Was the Type of person who could share experiences and emotions and  Quot All i Ever did was listen a said Isaac who is remarried. Quot she was going to have things her Way. I  reach Eleanor. It s amazing. People can live together but can to talk things  the Cul licks Story is not unique. And in her bestseller you just done to understand women and men in conversation Georgetown University Sci linguist Deborah Tannen suggests Why Quot because men and women Are regarding the landscape from contrasting Vantage Points the same scene can appear very different to them and they often have opposite interpretations of the same  no one is to blame the author cautions a it s just that people of different genders generally speak different languages. Tannen reached that conclusion after studying hundreds of hours of videotaped conversations Between men and women and Between boys and girls. Quot men and women grow up in different worlds Quot Tannen said in a recent interview. Quot it s utterly essential that people accept and understand the differences. Otherwise we end up blaming each  Over 15 years of research Tannen said she s seen Clear conversational patterns emerge. Men use talk primarily to communicate a desire or goal while women consider exchanges important in and of themselves she said. To a woman hashing through the Days  out linguistic gender Gap often indicates intimacy. For her mate the ritual May simply seem a drag. Similarly she said Quot women often feel a relationship is working if you re talking about it. Men feel it s working if you re not talking about  Quot a lot of men feel that a woman a insistence on talking things out is like a dog hanging onto a Bone a said Tannen who teaches in Washington . Quot but for women talk is the glue that holds relationships  these Are stereotypes but Sci linguists said they apply More often than not. Since the publication of her Book this Spring Tannen said she has received scores of Telephone Calls and letters from fans of her theory. Quot misunderstood gender differences is one of the biggest causes of divorce Quot said Howard Markman who directs the University of Denver Scenter for marital and family studies. Quot it s a pervasive problem but couples who learn How to understand each other can successfully improve their chances of having a Happy marriage Quot he said. John and Kass Patterson did. The Denver couple took Markmann a Quot premarital relationship enhancement program before they wed two years ago. Today they Are expecting their first child. Quot a lot of people wondered Why we took the course a said Kass. Quot but it really helped us get our marriage off on the right  the Patterson did t want to waste time bickering about the banal finances tardiness who interrupted whom. Quot women Are trained throughout their lives on How to talk things out and express feelings Quot said Kass 30, a Legal Secretary. Quot i am still More the one that pulls things out of John but since the course he a much More  each also better understands what the other is trying to say. A you become aware of the differences in the Way you argue Quot Kass said. Quot sometimes there s no changing the other person but understanding eases the  decoding the ways men and women communicate is not Only helpful on the Home front Sci linguists said. Gender based conflicts can be resolved in the workplace As Well. Take for instance the Way in which a male employee interpreted an order from Barbara Meade co owner of the politics and prose Bookstore in Washington. Quot i wanted him to do some specific tasks having to do with bookkeeping. And thought it was understood Quot Meade recalled. Quot but apparently. He thought i was asking if head be willing to do  Tannen says this is common. 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