European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 17, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Gigi Williams with her son George on a movie set in Hollywood where she is employed As a makeup artist Quot he brings a focus to my life Quot says the single Mother. Remarkable resilience Ingle moms not by Maureen Downey Cox news service Liz Flowers was at Home with her 2-month-old son Savouring first time motherhood when her husband announced he had met someone else. Suddenly Flowers had to reorder her entire world and find both a Job and child care. Quot it was a living Nightmare at first Quot said f Lowers 29 Quot Between dealing with being a new Mother and the trauma of a divorce i did t think i was going to make it each Day Quot she did make it and now a year after her divorce Flowers has both a Job and her sanity marriage and family therapist Charles Conway of Stone Mountain ga., marvels at tie resourcefulness and strength of single mothers Quot i Don t know if there is any More difficult Road to follow in this society than working and being a single Parent Quot he said Quot i am somewhat in Awe of How some single mothers function As Well As they  single mothers including divorced widowed separated or never married women number 6 million according to the u s census Bureau. Although the number of men in similar positions has also risen a from 341,000 in 1970 to 1 million today a women remain the primary caretakers of America s children. Despite the prevalence of single parents society clings to a Noah s Ark Precept that people belong in pairs. Quot i had a neighbor look me right in the Eye and Tell me that people were staying away from me because i was a scary reminder that divorce could happen to them Quot said Sherrie Culpepper 42, of Gwinnett county a Quot she told me you Are Nice looking you had an apparently Ideal married life three Beautiful children and your husband walked out on you Quot such tales Don t Surprise Joan Anderson author of the single Mother s Book peach tree publishers $12.95 paperback new guide for women that includes chapters on Legal concerns child care working and dealing with a husbands. Quot you feel As if you have become radioactive Quot said Anderson 43 and in the midst of a second divorce Quot you Don t have a partner so you seem  in Many cases the greatest instability in a single Mother s life is finances. Even in the Best Case scenarios a judge will not award a woman with children More than 40 percent of her sex husbands net income said California attorney Emily card 48, author of the is. Money Book Dutton $19.95quot that Means that while the sex husband is getting 60 percent the Mother and her children have to live on less than half the prior family income Quot said card who has a doctorate in political science and specializes in women and finances. According to the census Bureau women who received child support in 1985 got an average of $2,220 a year about one tenth the average earnings of men older than 18. In her Book card uses composite t hey Call divorced women the new poverty group. A Liz Flowers single Mother profiles of women to address issues ranging from taxes to investments with half of new marriages failing card cautions women against abandoning their careers for full time mothering. A with the current divorce rate you have a 50 percent Chance of needing to rely on your  she advises mothers to consider Par time options in their Fields explaining after education the biggest determinant to what your income will be is whether you interrupted your  at the time of her first divorce Anderson was a 35-year-old Nashville homemaker who had followed her College professor husband to various posts around the United states. In a decision she does t recommend Anderson declined Alimony and agreed to child support of $75 per month for her two children explaining that she wanted to prevent her sex husband from exercising any control on her life. Quot what i did was get a Job to meet the Bills and prayed the refrigerator did no to break Quot she said. Her living arrangements were far less impressive than those of her sex husband. He remained in the family Home and the children lived with him half the time. Her daughter Laura 15, describes that period As Quot kind of weird. We would go from a fairly upper Middle class House to one that was definitely Law midd dec ass or poor Quot she said Quot it was pretty hard at first but momus risen to Middle class  eventually Anderson landed a Job at a local women Scenter and led the single mothers support group that inspired her Book. Today Anderson is a Vanderbilt University Secretary a Job that offers free College tuition for her children and allows Anderson time to write. Flowers quit her Job As a mortgage underwriter at the birth of her son Josh and planned to be a full time Mother for a while. When her husband left her she sought a Job that allowed her time with her infant son. She accepted a Job As Public policy manager for the Owca of greater Atlanta even though the salary was half what she had been making because the y had onsite child care. Quot they Call divorced women the new poverty group and its True Quot Flowers said. She is about to move out of the family Home because she cannot afford the Upkeep. She and her sex husband had picked the House to rear their family and she has Many friends in the neighbourhood. Her sex husband plans to resume living there and Flowers and her son will relocate to less expensive quarters. Flowers can talk about the situation without rancor thanks to the support she has found both at her Owca Job and through a mothers group she joined after her songs birth. Quot those women were the first ones that i told my husband had left Quot she said. Quot they were the ones who got in the car with me and drove around with me to help me find a place to  most of Culpepper s social life now is with Ether single mothers neighbors and family she said. In the eight years since her marriage ended Culpepper like Many other single not Ivonen remain the primary caretakers of americans children 6 million of the nation s mothers Are single. Mothers said she has had Only a few dates. Quot Ycu meet a Man who seems to like you and then you mention you have three children and he makes skid Marks getting out of  too often single mothers have no personal life because they re intent on being both Mother and father to their children and meeting their every need said Conway 45, who counts Many single mothers among his therapy clients. Quot women need to take time to get off by themselves so they can get renewed Quot said Conway a divorced father with joint custody of his daughter. Page 14 a a a the stars and stripes monday sep relieving children a anxiety Over divorce by Malcolm Ritter associated press american children whose parents Are going through a divorce Are learning to Cope through a program that includes puppets a Board game and a mock television show that lets the kids play divorce experts. The program works for children in kindergarten through sixth Grade using different teaching activities for different Ages said Joanne Pedro Carroll. Quot divorce need not result in inevitable Long term trauma for children Quot said Pedro carry a director of the program at the University of Rochester in new York. Studies with hundreds of children show improvement in a variety of areas including solving Day to Day problems communicating with relatives coping with family changes getting along with schoolmates and completing schoolwork researchers said. The children said they were less anxious less Likely to blame themselves for the divorce and less worried about family circumstances researchers said. Pedro Carroll and colleague Linda Alpert Gililis both clinical psychologists spoke in interviews before describing the program at the annual meeting of the american psychological association in Boston. The program is a the Best stuff out there Quot for working directly with children of divorce commented Arizona state University researcher Irwin Sandler. A complementary approach that involves parents who have custody of a child is also showing Success he said. The Rochester program is carried out in school Over 12 to 16 weeks with four or five children to a group in Ttye younger Ages and five to eight for older Ages. One major goal is to teach problem solving skills. Older children describe problems in their lives discuss solutions and try them out in Impromptu skits in which they May play themselves then a Parent. After trying out a solution they report Back on results. In this Way Pedro Carroll said one boy was Able to persuade his Mother to let him spend father s Day weekend with his father Quot it gave him a sense of control Quot she said. Children also Are taught to identify and avoid focusing on problems they cannot solve. Quot worrying about what s happening in court Between mom and dad or the support payments those Are very adult issues Quot that distract a child from schoolwork and the Normal activities of being a child Pedro car roil said. Using a Board game that involves throwing Dice moving a Marker and picking up a card that presents a problem children discuss what issues they can and cannot solve. The program also Aims to teach children to identify and express their feelings. Lacking an adult s thinking and language skills a child May convert unexpressed feelings into headaches or stomachaches Pedro Carroll said. Even kindergarteners can be taught to ask a Parent for More time together rather than whining or Clinnin she said puppets that act out a child a feelings let younger children More easily discuss their own experiences at Home she said. Order children review lessons of the program by taking turns As divorce experts on a mock television show in which they answer questions posed by group leaders. Quot you can see How that could really empower kids with a sense of Efficacy. And competence Quot said Arizona states Sandler on an emotional level the program is designed to help children feel Good about themselves and their families. It stresses that Quot ail families Don t have to have two parents living together Quot a d Alpert Gililis. Quot families Are people who love you and each family is unique and  the groups provide a place for children Quot to find out they re not alone they re not the Only ones who have the feelings they be been struggling with Quot  said. Vacation without child by Marianne and Stephen Garber and Robyn Spizman Cox news service our child is 4 years old. Occasionally we go out for an evening and get a Babysitter. She does go to preschool and Day care four Days a week but we have never gone on vacation without her. My husband has been wanting the two of us to go away for a week. Asa working Parent i did no to feel it was right to leave her More than necessary. Recently in be agreed to go away fora week in september. The grandparents will keep our daughter at our Home. What do you think a hesitant dear hesitant go you can t Parent All the time. Your child will have a wonderful time with her grandparents and they will relish the Opportunity to spoil her. Husbands and wives need time together. Your child will Benefit from it a and so will you. You certainly appear to be conscientious parents Well aware of your responsibilities. One week together will not ruin your record of. To prepare for the week apart a done to Surprise her. At least a week before your trip Tell your daughter you Are going away and that she will be staying with her grandparents. Be enthusiastic about your plans As Well As hers. A make it easy on the grandparents. Give them written details of your daughter s activities for the week car pools Etc. Arrange for friends to come play a couple times during the week. Suggest other ways your daughter likes to spend time so the grandparents can be prepared for Quot i m  a get a map with your route and destination As Well As a Calendar with the Days you will be gone. The grandparents can show your daughter How to Mark your route and Cross off the Days until your return a plan mystery events that will occur during the week. Anticipation of her own plans will take your daughter s mind off yours. A write a note for each night you Are away and ask grandma to put one on your daughters p Low each evening. A Send a postcard from each Stop come Home when you say you will. Leave the Liming fairly general a Quot Well be Home before dinnertime on sunday Quot a and then keep your Promise As much As possible. Your daughter will love a few trinkets from your trip. However done to be surprised or upset if you have promised her a big gift and she asks for it before giving you a hug. Marianne and step Ian Garber and Robyn Siiman write a child Boha Vior column Lor the Atlanta journal can Stith it on that is distributed by Cox nows service. Adjustment tips in helping children adjust to a divorce parents should set aside time for activities. Not associated press Here Are some tips from University of Rochester researchers on How to help a child adjust to a divorce. A children need time to adjust to each family change such As moving visitation and remarriage. A once a firm decision is made about separation or divorce Tell children ahead of time in a Way they can understand. If possible parents should Tell their children together. A accept children s feelings and help them learn to talk about their feelings. A make sure children know you love them that you will take care of them and that the divorce is not their fault. Remind them that parents divorce each other not their children and that your love for them will endure. A let your children continue to be children. Encourage school activities and hobbies that develop their strengths and abilities. Discussing family finances with them or designating them the Quot Little Man Quot or Quot Little woman Quot of the House can be a Burden and so can giving them too Many Quot adult Quot responsibilities. A do not criticize the other Parent in front of your children they Benefit from a positive relationship with both parents. A talk with your children about How to make things better or More comfortable for them. A set aside at least 15 minutes each Day to spend with each child doing things together such As Reading a Book playing a game or taking a walk. A keep arguments with the other Parent As far away from children As possible. Do not use your child As a messenger or a weapon to get Back at the former spouse. A keep As much Structure and predictability in your everyday routine As possible. Children thrive on routine including regular bedtimes meals together and consistent rules. Limits let children know they Are Safe. A pay attention to what your children say and do. They often say things indirectly. A child who says Quot i hate the woman you re dating May really mean Quot i m worried that you like her More than you like  a take care of yourself use such resources As trusted friends family books support groups clergy and mental health professionals. Parents emotional and physical Well being Are linked to children a healthy development. Imbl7, 1990 the stars and stripes a a a Page 15