European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 24, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse By Jon Nordheimer new York times m Ore feared than loved in family fable the Stepfather in the american Home of the �?T90s is winning new respect for performing a role for which there is no script and the moments of applause and limelight Are few. Quot being a Stepfather especially if there Are teen agers in the House is probably one of the most humiliating and difficult tasks a Man can take on Quot said Thomas Seibt a marriage and family therapist in los Angeles. He is also one of 13 million Stepfather in the United states. It can be one of the most satisfying tasks. The Only essential skills it seems Are the Wisdom of Solomon and the patience of Job. Quot it is starting to sink in that the flexible Guy who approaches Ste family life without the intention of re creating a nuclear family but a functional group whatever form it takes is some kind of hero Quot said or. Larry Ganong a Stepfather. He is a professor at the University of Missouri who with his wife or. Marilyn Coleman has extensively studied Ste families. From their studies Ganong concludes that Quot the Stepfather child relationship is perhaps the Best predictor of a step family a Success and can make or break a second because women usually win custody of children in divorce cases their new husbands must adapt to living with someone else s children. If they Are adolescents a in a rebellious time of life that can unnerve natural parents a the Challenge can be overwhelming and quickly sour the new marriage. As Stepfather of a 12-year-old boy and a 15-year-old girl a store owner in Paramus n.j., had fantasies that his second marriage would be perfect he was now a smart enough Quot to avoid the mistakes that ended his first. The 40-year-old Man who requested anonymity was comfortable enough financially to take time off from his store spend it with his stepchildren and make a Good Start. Quot let s go camping this weekend lets go to a movie let s play monopoly i Tell them Quot he said. Quot but All i get in return Are these drop dead looks and they go running off to their fathers House and Tell him i pick my Teeth after dinner or that my own kids who visit us on weekends Are conflicts Over territoriality and discipline especially with teen agers Are part of the reason that second marriages fail at an even greater rate than first marriages that children in Ste families drop out of school More than children in single Parent households do and that Many experts worry what kind of parents the angry Hurt children will become. Stepfather who overcome anger frustration and loss of face in these confrontations Are often those whose new marriages succeed. It takes precise navigation in largely uncharted Waters. Advice books Are usually not read until a crisis develops and getting it right takes life women usually win custody of children in divorce cases. Their new husbands must learn to live with someone else a children. It can be an overwhelming Challenge. B Al Meing a Stepfather was the Mostia Infix experience in my life and it was obviously even More painful. For my stepdaughter egos Are already raw researchers report Quot everyone who gets married and starts a family has a general idea of How mothers and fathers Are supposed to behave but when you ask them about stepparents All you get is shrugged shoulders Quot said or. Lawrence Kurdek a professor of psychology at Wright state University in Dayton Ohio who studies Ste families. The stepparent has few role Model s on television and in movies. Stepfather Are infrequently portrayed and when they Are As in the 1970s series. The Brady Bunch Little distinction is made Between them and biological fathers. Or the script imbues them with the characteristics of storybook stepmothers cold emotionally Distant malevolent. Or. Benjamin Spock was humbled by the Ste parenting quagmire after marrying a woman with a 10-year-old daughter. Quot being a Stepfather was the most painful experience in my life and it was obviously even More painful for my stepdaughter a he said in a talk last year. He said he had rewritten a Section on Ste parenting on the basis of his experience chronicled in his Book baby and child care. Some live in Stepfather feel like Distant unwanted relations overstaying their visits. Or. Neil m. Kalter director of the Center for the child and family at the University of Michigan and author of growing up with divorce the free press Macmillan inc., 1990recounts this Story Quot i can to stand it a a 15-year-old Michigan girl sobs to her Mother. Quot i have to put on my Bathrobe at 10 o clock at night in my own House to go downstairs to get an Apple from the refrigerator because he a there in our living researchers and clinicians generally agree that Young children with greater physical and emotional dependence on adults May quickly accept a Stepfather a help and discipline. Teen agers Are preoccupied with changing sexuality schoolwork friends and sports and Are straining to break free of adult authority. They choose to adhere to parental discipline Only out of fear or love and respect to which the Stepfather initially has no claim. He May never have. The new Jersey businessman still flinches when he recalls his Stepsons whiny reaction when he was told he should not watch an a rated Cable movie Quot my dad lets me watch Mem. And besides its momus television Quot i done to know How i made it through that first year without killing that kid a the Man said. The children a hostility troubled him until he accepted this teen agers Are reluctant to spend free time with their natural parents much less an interloper. Quot in the beginning of a remarriage Stepdad should be like polite strangers in their new wife a Home and talk to the teenage kids but not intervene or exercise too much control Over their lives Quot said e. Mavis Hetherington a University of Virginia psychologist who has tracked Stepfan Misias Over years. Quot there a too much hostility in the kids who at that age want Independence not Page 16 a a a the stars and stripes saturday november 24, 1990
