European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 3, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Mow and what to Tell the children by Lawrence m. Kutner the new York times when Jim and sue Diorio decided to get a divorce last year they agreed that they should break the news to their 7-year-old son Nicholas together. Quot but when we told him he said his stomach Hurt and he started vomiting and choking Quot said Diorio a general contractor in suburban Minneapolis Quot he said it was t Tair to him. He kept asking a but Why can to we be a family Quot although their son s reaction was dramatic it was by no Means extreme. Among the greatest challenges faced by divorcing parents Are deciding what to Tell their children and How to involve them in the transition. Quot Lack of information is More harmful to children than painful information because children create their own scenarios that Are often much worse than reality Quot said or. Helen k. Cleminshaw a professor of child and family development and the director of the Center for family studies at the University of Akron in Ohio. There Are two reasons for this. Young children tend to take responsibility forthe problems Theio parents Are having. They May Promise that they will never misbehave or they May keep their fears to themselves afraid to share their guilt. It is important to reassure children from the very beginning that the divorce is not their fault. Quot one boy i saw who had recently broken his Arm and gotten braces on his Teeth told me that the reason his parents were getting a divorce was that his dad did no to want to pay for All his medical expenses Quot said or. Neil m. Kalter who is the director of the Center for the child and the family at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and the author of growing up with divorce Ballantine 1991, $12.95. Also very Young children May not know what the word divorce Means. They have heard their parents arguments and when they Are told about the divorce they imagine it to be far worse than it is often fearing they will be abandoned. Quot a 3-year-old girl f saw thought that a divorce meant that one Parent would disappear and die Quot Kalter said. Quot she was Clingy frightened had nightmares and was reluctant to go to preschool it cleared up rather quickly once she knew where both  parents would be  while it is important that children understand what is happening to their family giving them too much information or inappropriate information can Lead to trouble. Children do not really want to know the gory details behind the divorce that Type of information can be very upsetting and threatening to them since it implies that readers action line officer a wife unhappy with tax discrepancy of a. I would like to know Why the tax exemption for officers in combat is $500 when enlisted personnel and warrant officers get full salary exemptions. An e-1 with less than four months in service makes More than $500 a month the argument that officers make More Money is not valid because supposedly they have added responsibility and earn that Money. What this discriminating tax exemption policy tells me is that the . Government values my husband s service and life during combat less than that of an enlisted person or warrant officer l. Willard Mohringer Germany Ecol. Emett r. White Deputy director compensation military manpower and personnel policy office of the assistant Secretary of defense replies they must take sides with one Parent or the other. Quot but they might want to know some of the general reasons so that they feel comfortable that you re not splitting up for no reasons at All Quot Cleminshaw said. Having too much financial information like How much you re trying to negotiate for child support or How Many a Bills Are past due can also upset children unnecessarily. It is a Good idea to explain for example Why you will have to move to a smaller apartment or Why you will be cancelling your summer vacation. That allows children to adjust to those changes More easily. But sharing inappropriate details will often cause children to worry especially if they feel responsible for the breakup. Or. Linda Alpert Gil is a clinical psychologist and an assistant professor of psychiatry and paediatrics at the making it easier by the new York times there Are several things that parents can do to make the transition from marriage to divorce easier on their children try to keep your children out of the direct conflict you May be having with your spouse. Quot the research shows that children who Are for example us amp Das messengers about issues like Alimony and child support or who Are Cross examined about the spouse have Many More emotional and behavioural problems Quot said or. Linda Alpert Gil is a clinical psychologist and an assistant professor of psychiatry and paediatrics at the University of Rochester it is also a Good idea to let other family members like your parents Brothers and Sisters know that you Are trying to keep your children out of the conflict. That will help Stop them from unwittingly asking the children for inappropriate and personal information or trying to get the children to choose sides. Done task your child to make decisions about issues like custody and visitation schedules. Although you can ask your children about their wishes make it Clear that the final decision rests with adults. That frees them from some inappropriate and painful responsibilities. Quot i remember when one 12-year-old girl told me that  parents had to Stop asking  to decide who shed spend each weekend with Quot said Stephen Erickson a lawyer and family mediator in Minneapolis who is a past president of the Academy of family mediators. Quot she Felt that if she chose either Parent Over the other shed current Federal Law excludes All compensation of enlisted members of the armed forces from Federal income taxation for periods of service in a combat zone declared by the president. The exclusion available to commissioned officers is limited to a specific Dollar amount. The current limit of $500 per month was last increased in 1966. President Bush designated Iraq Kuwait and certain adjacent areas As a combat zone As of Jan. 17, in february the Senate finance committee held hearings on several tax matters affecting members of the armed forces including the need to increase the amount of tax exclusion applicable to commissioned officers. The Treasury department and the department of defense testified on behalf of the administration in support of a proposal by sen. John Glenn a Ohio to increase the exclusion for commissioned officers to $2,000 per month the Dod and Treasury department also supported Complete exclusion of military compensation for periods earned by officers while held As prisoners of War. They also supported correction of a problem for commissioned officers who Are limited to excluding Only $500 of pay each month while in a War zone. The military finance system is not capable of excluding Only a portion of a member s pay so officers in War zones now have All University of Rochester has been working in schools with children whose parents Are divorced. She often finds them daydreaming in class. Quot when ask them what they re thinking about they la Tell me that they re worried about paying the rent or utilities a Alpert Gil is said. Quot those should be adult worries. Its important to protect children from some of that and for parents to encourage kids to be  children Are most concerned about How the divorce will affect their daily lives. Where and with whom will they live will they have to change schools and make new friends will their old friends treat them differently a kids can adapt to those things very Well if they Are prepared ahead of time Quot Cleminshaw said. A a it a the unknown that s so terribly frightening to  disappoint one of them. A she told me a i can to  if possible both of you should Tell your children about the divorce and living arrangements. That helps children understand that the fundamental decisions have been made and that both parents have agreed to them. By telling children together about such things As when and How much time  spend with each Parent you Are letting them know that even though the marriage is dissolving they Are not being forgotten or abandoned. It also helps them understand that since you be agreed on How to care for them they done to have to love Only one of you. Try to keep up Many of your old routines. That includes such things As bedtime rituals and the times and types of foods you eat. Quot divorce Ushers in enormous changes in a child s life Quot said or. Neil m. Kalter the director of the Center for the child and the family at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. Quot wit Lyall those changes taking place the child can feel disoriented. Maintaining old routines helps the child feel More  Don t try to convince your children that your reasons for a divorce Are valid. This usually happens when the children Are very upset by the divorce and say they want you to stay together. Trying to justify your decision to them gives them the erroneous message that if they try hard enough they can prevent the breakup. A instead acknowledge that your children Don t like the decision and Point out that divorce is a grownup decision Quot Alpert Gil is said. Compensation excluded and then must pay taxes on any amount above $500 per month when filing their next return although these measures were not included in a recent Law providing benefits for the persian Gulf conflict favourable action is still possible. In this regard rep. Bill Archer a Texas ranking minority member House committee on ways and Means recently introduced legislation . 1780 to Correct the withholding problem for officers in the combat  to write us a readers action line is the readers Quot court of last resort striving to answer some of the questions about life overseas in a military environment or questions about policies and guidelines when other avenues for answers Are not readily available if you have a question and Don t know where to turn for the answer write to readers action line co the stars and stripes Apo 09211-4211, All letters must be signed and preference will be Given to those seeking information of Genera interest to our readers. Page 16 a the stars and stripes wednesday july 3, 1991