European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 9, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse The stuff that can make or break a marriage by Shari Roan los Angeles times it was not until after they were married that Karen s husband found out about her bedtime or companions. The intruders were named Willow Dilow Niilow and Pillow a Small feathery pillows that were family heirlooms. They had been with her since childhood she even took Willow and Dillow overseas on her diplomatic Mission so Karen saw no reason not to include them in the marriage. But when two sets of bedtime habits vow to become one the results Aren t always Sweet dreams Quot he did t really know the pillows existed until our honeymoon Quot recalls Karen who lives in Omaha. Quot and then when he found out they had names. I Don t think he thought i was her husband adjusted. After five years he can even identify Willow and Pillow Karen reports. Now the couple sleeps relatively Well. For other couples bedtime difficulties Are not resolved so smoothly. He shot. She s cold. He likes a firm mattress. She likes a feathery one. He sleeps nude. She wears flannels. He Falls into bed at. Midnight ready for sleep. She climbs in turns on the lamp and reads for an hour. You and your significant other May share a love of sailing Woody Allen movies and chinese food but sleep is a very individual thing. Disagreements Over mattresses room temperature what you Wear or Don t and which Side of the bed you claim All have the potential for making a relationship go bump in the night. A for some couples resolving the bedrooms temperature is like trying to Compromise Between a vacation in Hawal tand one in Alaska. It is not that most Don t try. Irene admitted that she has had a hard time adjusting to her husband s thermostat. While some like Irene like it hot he liked it cold. The Buffalo couple thought they had found the perfect solution in an electric Blanket with dual controls. Still she froze and he roasted seems the individual controls work better when the Blanke has not been put on the bed upside Down. The sleep wars. They Are says one observer Quot the stuff marriages Are made and broken adds another Veteran of the spousal sleep skirmishes Quot there should be sleep counselling. I mean we have marriage counselling right Quot hmm. Sleep counselling. Sort of marriage counselling for the unconscious hours. Sleep disorder experts say that bedtime incompatibility can cause serious health problems even marital woes. Quot studies show people by and Large sleep better alone than with someone in the same bed Quot says or. Phil Westbrook director of the sleep disorders Center at Cedars Sinai medical Center in los Angeles Quot but people think they have made that marriage commitment and part of the commitment Means they have to sleep together. And if they done to sleep together something has failed Quot. How a couple adapts to each other s sleeping style could be a reflection on the marriage says or Gary Richardson director of the sleep Wake disorders clinic at Brigham and women s Hospital in Boston. Bedtime he says Quot is an Arena where Compromise conflict and adjustments end up being played out rather than at other times of the before Barb s marriage broke up she and her husband regularly argued about their conflicting bedtime habits. Quot we had a terrible arrangement Quot the los Angeles woman says. Quot but i just Felt i had to Grin and Bear he liked the window open. She liked it closed. She liked covers. He did not. _. Another Snag was Wake up time. A Quot it was the Bane of my existence. Head get up at 4 30, and i would t have to get up until 6,&Quot she says. Dual alarm clocks solved the problem but Quot it took a whole year for me to learn to sleep through his but Rock Bottom As for Many other couples was his snoring. Studies show that women Are lighter sleepers and More Likely to be awakened by their partners movements. In addition More men snore. It s a fact for instance 60 percent of men Over age 60 snore compared with 40 percent of women in that age group according to the better sleep Council. And if you done to think snoring can cause loss of sleep consider this the highest recorded Decibel level of snoring is 90, comparable to heavy traffic or Thunder and just under the noise level of a Jet taking off. Quot i was coming to work like a Zombie because of his snoring Quot Barb says. Quot finally i told him he had to do something about it or sleep on the Couch you just can sleep through Earth shattering snoring i Don t know How women stay married to men who according to Westbrook snoring can be alleviated with professional but other problems May require separate Beds. Quot sometimes the solution is not to sleep together to get two Beds in the same room Quot he says. Quot the critical thing a the highest recorded Decibel level of snoring is 90, comparable to heavy traffic or Thunder and just under the noise level of a Jet taking off solving sleep woes los Angeles times experts say Many of the problems couples experience Are territorial. Most can be solved with etiquette Compromise sensitivity a or professional counselling or. Gary Richardson director of the sleep Wake disorders clinic at Brigham and women s Hospital in Boston recalls one patient who was worried about incompatibility in his pending marriage he was a night owl who loved to stay up late. Sire was a Lark Early to bed Early to Rise. The owl said i can i get out of bed until noon and my Fiancee said i have to fix that or she won t Mairy a Richardson says. The doctor says he taught the Man techniques to gradually change his body clock Quot to make the owl into a Lark. With a motivated person it s possible to bring people into other sacrifices might also be necessary i the person who simply has to sleep on the loll Side of the bed should be allowed to have that Side. Earplugs and Eye shades can solve the problems of too experts say optimal sleep occurs when room Lempira sure is in the mid gos. If that is too cold for one partner he or she can add a Blanket or a layer of pyjamas. A individual choices like pillows and cloth my should be respected. As for the age old problem of whether the mattress is Loo soft or too hard the bedding Industry has sunk millions into trying to find the perfect mattress for the incompatible couple. Several models Are now available that respond exactly to the size and weight of the person sleeping on them. Is that people get enough sleep. Not sleeping is not an option. That s dangerous to one s and to ones marriage. Raise the topic of sleeping together to any group of Loving couples and one begins to wonder if a Mutual sleep strategy should t be part of a prenuptial contract. Studies Back up that impression. In his Book. Sleep Harvard researcher j. Allen Hobson reports that neither person sleeps Well until both do. Research also shows tha. Even compatible couples routinely disrupt each other s sleep say experts for the better sleep Council for example a study has shown everyone changes positions 40 to 60 times during the night including a dozen Complete body turns. And each time one partner moves the other moves within 20 seconds. The Industry group s goals include helping discordant couples resolve their differences with products. Despite bedtime blues Julie Griffith a marriage has held up nicely for nine years. Quot we Are the classic diametrically opposed couple Quot says the Santa be Springs calif., woman. The problems started with the couple s first bed a Standard sized double that Industry experts Are Quick to Point out gives each person As much Width As a baby s crib. Quot we were always beating each other up a inadvertently Quot Griffith says. Quot even after we went to a Queen sized mattress we share it with three cats. You re kind of stapled in place by the weight of these movement is a real problem she says. When he turns himself Over he must raise himself up and hurl himself Back Down. I just hang onto the Side and try to ride it . Of course she is not perfect. Quot my Teet Are so cold i have to Wear socks to bed year round. If my feet touch him hell gasp and sit straight Griffith says that each of them has lost sleep because of the other. And each has been known to sneak into another room to get some rest. Quot Quot think it s part of marriage Quot she says of their sleep disturbances. Quot i wish there was some bedtime Battles parents is. Children by Susan Campbell the Hartford courant e ight o clock and All s Well. Except at the Moulins House. There the Moulins Are at it again. Young Robbie is asking for his fourth drink of water. Sarah his sister wants another bedtime Story. Sherry and Bill their parents want the Little Darlings dispatched to dreamland. After All this is the time for the grown ups time for them to be alone together and remind each other Why they married in the first place. But instead they Are wearing ruts in the stairs climbing up and Down As they seek to keep the children Happy 8 . Becomes 8 30, then 8 45, until finally someone a usually. Sherry because she is Home All Day with the kids anyway a blows up. And then the Littlest Moulins a Robbie 4, Sarah 3 a Are snugly tucked into their Rocky Hill Conn., bunk bed whimpering a Tad dramatically for the talking to they have endured. Welcome to the night fights a and they Are not just on fridays a when the kids turn bedtime into dread time for parents who Only want a peaceful night s rest sound familiar did you know there is an unnamed gland within the brain of a child that begins secreting a hormone about a half hour before bedtime that the hormone induces wakefulness a dry Throat and Basic contentiousness no that is a lie but it sounds Good. Actually night fights Are even More Basic. They Are about control they Are about setting limits. And they Are about Security. Acc child development experts say they really do not have to be a big Deal. What is called Tor is some consistency and firmness. Round one it is a Normal and even a very Young one a to natural event for a child test a Parent Quot parents Are required to set a Boundary and kids Are required to test it Quot said Richard l. Engelhard Wheeler clinic s coordinator of children s outpatient services in Plainville Conn. Quot that show kids learn what limits Are and what boundaries Are so you have set 8 . As bedtime for your 5�?~year-old. But your 5-year-old starts whining around 7 30 or so or you get your 5-year-old in bed but the Little dear is Back downstairs within minutes just dying to Tell you one More titillating detail of her Day a detail she had forgotten until her head hit the Pillow. Quot i think parents May do a Lousy Job of setting boundaries Quot says Engelhardt. Quot if parents Are not ambivalent about the Way they provide limits there s a greater likelihood the child is going to accept it and not Challenge children take Comfort in sameness. In fact they May be downright insistent on it a it not orally then with their actions. For example Charlotte Madison executive director at the University of Connecticut s child development laboratories offers this explanation. The child care Center at the Storrs Campus has a regimen that s not carved in Stone but is respected by the teachers and students. Once at snack time Madison announced that the children would instead go outside. Quot and All these children went Over to the sink to Wash their hands Quot for snacks Madison said. Quot kids like to know what a going to happen next. Especially with the youngest children you can to change round two a Parent setting limits for the child teaches a child in turn to set his own limits Engelhard said. If a kid is allowed free Reir How is she going to know her own limitations ? and. We All have them. Beyond boundaries bad bedtime behaviour can be rooted in All kinds dirt Engelhardt said. Quot if the parents Are experiencing some emotional stress kids will look or ways to engage people in Battles he said. Quot they think a i can control your behaviour in challenging you about and in that Way a child can bring a tense situation Back to a realm she May be More comfortable with being scalded by Mommy. Engelhardt says he has seen children As Young As 3 months old try to divert stress to themselves by trotting or crying or somehow acting out. A kids have receivers built in and parents have transmitters Quot he said. Then too some children think they have to act up at bedtime a and other times too a in order to get attention any kind of attention. Quot ii the problem persists i might want to look at my Quality time i know that a a phrase used a lot but. Am i meeting their developmental needs ? Iii am. We be got a minor problem. If i m not the kids Are going to continue haggling about it Quot Engelhardt said. Quot the earlier you Start with consistency the better Quot Madison said that moans allowing Lime to unwind alter All you have to read before dropping off. Or drink a Glass of water or Check All the locks in the House Why should your child be any different the bedtime ritual May take a half hour but it it works it s Worth it Madison said. As a child gets older she May want to slay up later to watch a television show. Madison said that at that time bedtime should be examined is it too early1? Are her friends slaying up later even with an adolescent consistency pays what parents Are working Tor theoretically is a self sufficient adult who does not need to be reminded to go to bed so when children reach adolescence the perfect situation is that they can set their own bedtimes do their own Homework without much nagging from mom of Dari and no More rounds either Page 14 the stars and stripes tuesday. July 9, 1991 the stars and stripes a Page 15
