European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 13, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse By Leslie Dreyfous a National writer Call it a sin of omission gilding the Lily covering tracks. Whatever the euphemism lying is lying and lets be honest kids inevitably do it. That first deliberate fiction stabs a Little at just about any parents heart. Somehow its the end of innocence the Point where youngsters Start negotiating their own rules. Parents want to shout be truthful in t that How we be taught you to be Quot the thing is you just can to take it personally a a says Steve Macon 41, a father of three from Atlantic Highlands . Quot because they re going to lie. Kids Are human. They re going to avoid trouble any Way they Macon did it himself As a Catholic Schoolboy who swore up and Down that he d attended morning mass. Way in the Back you just could t see him. Like his parents of course the nuns were onto him a at least most of the time. Quot eventually kids learn that there s nothing they can Tell us that we adults Haven t heard or done before Quot Macon said. Quot the trick is teaching them that lying Only makes things of what a tangled web and All that. But As with so Many of the important lessons children often must learn the hard Way. In the meantime it May be the parents who Are most troubled. They can t help but wonder when and whether to be concerned How and whether to draw the line. Quot basically it just really baffles parents Quot said Beverly Mills author of child life. A syndicated question and answer column Quot they Are constantly trying to figure out if their children Are Normal whether there is a problem or not Quot Corin Bell 35, of Burgaw n.c., tried not to be Overly concerned by her 7-year-old s first forays into falsehood. She did t want to be accusatory about what were ultimately Small inconsequential lies. Quot but the creeping doubts were there and the possibility of a pattern developing disturbed me Quot Bell said. She finally called her son s Bluff when he denied having gotten a Demerit at school. Confronted by his teacher the boy Only reluctantly confessed the lie he had nearly convinced himself was True. He was Given a Standard punishment a favorite toys temporarily taken away or exclusion from a family Outing. Quot in the end i think lying mostly hurts the parents Quot said Bell who also has a Young daughter. Quot you think of All the hard work and Energy How much of yourself you be Given and you feel crushed and on a bad Day the imagination can run wild. Suddenly a fairly innocent fib takes on a life of its own scaring parents with the possibility that their child suffers some pervasive character flaw. That s when adults need to Stop Short and Check their egos experts say. Quot no one likes to be deceived but you be got to take a look at the child s perspective for a while Quot said David Bjorklund. A child development specialist at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton. A children usually lie for Good reasons Quot like the Parent who fudges height or weight on a Driver s License or Trumps up an excuse to get out of cocktails with that tiresome couple from Down the Street a child s motivation for lying often is fairly benign a to avoid punishment Quot no Mommy i did t break it a or Quot no daddy i did t hit my a to avoid embarrassment Quot i did t wet my pants. Honest. The chair was a to increase status Quot yeah Well my Uncle has three Llamas and a a to get something Quot my Homework s All done. Can i watch to now Quot More worrisome however Are the lies told by children who feel unmanageable pressure to Excel to keep up with the standards siblings set or to Dodge their parents Wrath. Quot any time your kid lies you have to think about Why. The most common reason is that they re afraid of being punished by an angry Parent. If you done to want them to lie to you learn How to talk to them a said Paul Ekman of san Francisco a psychology professor and author of Why kids lie open the Way suggests Ekman by learning to replace anger with constructive discussion. Rather than shaming the child help him or her understand Why lies Arentt necessary or helpful. Quot you Don t want your kid to regard you As a harsh policeman Quot Ekman said. Quot what you want is for them to. And what to do about it by the associated press Here Are a few recommendations parents might want to consider when confronting a child s lie. Paul Ekman psychologist and author of when kids lie suggests a avoid physical punishment. A separate the punishment for the lie from the punishment for the offence it is covering. Feel they can come and speak honestly with you when they re in learn to talk Anco listen. These skills Are key to Trust which can go a Long Way toward calming the tumult and experimentation that traditionally accompany the adolescent years. A they want autonomy to be separate from their parents. You suddenly realize that you done to have control Over them anymore and it s All really scary Quot said Suzan car Abarin 39, who knows the Battle Well. For her it was the nylons she was forbidden to Wear but wore anyway on the sly. For her 13-year-old daughter its makeup. Quot we got into a fight Over it just last night Quot car Abarin said from Aromas Calif. Quot i done to want her a emphasize the effect of the act on others not just the evil of the act itself a fit the punishment to suit the crime. Lawrence Kutner psychologist and author of Parent amp child adds a instead of thinking of lying simply As something the child is doing wrong try to think of it As a solution to a problem the child is having a look for patterns in the child a lying. Often the pattern of the lies will Tell you More about the underlying problem than the Content of each individual lie a help children understand the difference Between your disliking what they did and disliking them As people. A give your children permission to Tell the truth. Simply Page 14 a the stars and stripes monday Janu wearing it. But when they re older they can sneak around. And you can t ground them into though Many parents mistakenly try. Quot i Felt scared because i thought of my god. This is just the beginning of a i thought Way ahead and worried that my daughter had a major personality flaw Quot recalls Judy Boudreaux who lives in Wichita Kan. It took time and counselling for the family to reach the hidden reality. Elizabeth who today is a 23-year-old Art therapist was dyslexic and struggling to keep up with her gifted older brother. Quot we had to learn How to listen to our child Quot Boudreaux said. Quot we had to learn How to hear what she was really trying to say How to discover the truth behind her a amps. Peter Jaeger knowing that you re willing to listen to the truth even when it involves a problem is often very reassuring a show your children alternatives to lying. Let them know that a vase broken by Accident will not be treated in the same Way As a vase broken on purpose. A admit your own mistakes around your children. By showing them that you can make mistakes and Correct them you will give your children More helpful information about coping with problems than will come from hours of lectures on Why lying is bad. A finally done to try to hold your children to a higher Standard of behaviour than you hold yourself. After All. How Many lies do you Tell each week any time your kid Lio you Havo to to Kink about Why. Tho most common Robson is that a Hoy pro afraid of boing pwn shod by an angry Parent. If you Don t want Thorn to Lio to you Loarn How to talk to thorn.1 a Paul Ekman psychology professor advice for parents when Good kids do bad things by Mary to Kochakian the Hartford courant these teen agers stay out All night. They hang out with miscreants. They go out in provocative clothes that make them look utterly cheap. They shoplift have careless sex lie take drugs. They re Good kids says Katherine Gordy Levine. Quot doing bad things is part of the transition to adulthood Quot she says. She a seen plenty of the bad. She and her husband have cared for More than 400 Foster children in their suburban new York Home and have two teen age sons of their own. Levine also is a Columbia University professor of social work has a counselling practice in Rye n.y., and is author of when Good kids do bad things. Levine does no to argue that All kids Are inherently Good that even the worst of them will Benefit from encouragement and love. She s cared for some who Are downright bad she says a like the girl who spent her allowance on gerbils set them Loose in the House for the cats to kill and Quot shrieked with Delight Quot at the spectacle. And the courteous and poised boy who thought it was funny to Roll drunks and snatch purses from old ladies Quot the older the better because the slower she runs the easier she is to Knock such children Lack conscience. Good kids she says do bad things but know the difference Between right and wrong. Many will feel so Rotten or scared about their Misbehaviour that they Stop on their own. Quot other kids will try it and not Stop until they re caught Quot she says. Some a eventually just outgrow it. Quot while such behaviour is nearly inevitable parents have to intervene even if their efforts seem feeble or futile Levine says. For example Many teens will Speed for the thrill of it parents can restrict Access to the car and refuse to Supply kids with High powered cars Levine says. They can refrain from constantly warning which backfires. They can do their Best then realize that nearly every kid will do something dangerous and most get away with it. In her Book Levine offers advice for assessing and handling a Range of problems including rouble with the Law irresponsible sex depression and substance abuse. She also offers a Quot caring response strategy that she says helps parents decide what kind of approach to take with a child s unacceptable behaviour when the usual efforts fail. Quot your aim is to join with your child s View of the problem and work from that basis Quot she writes. The Steps with some of Levine s examples of Exchange Are 1. Care and confront unwanted behaviour. Parent Quot your grades Are falling. Something in t 2. Ally with the child so the caring can go on. Quot i can t believe you re entirely Happy with this situation. I do feel we need to talk about 3. Review All factors involved in the behaviour. Quot Tell me what you think the problem is. What do you need from me to help Quot kid Quot i want you to Bug out of my life t can handle Parent Quot so you want me to let you decide How much you need to study. Is that accurate do you know what worries me Quot 4. Investigate possibilities of change. Parent Quot what do you want to do from Here on Quot kid Quot i want you to Stop telling me How to do my work calling my teachers checking up on me All the 5. Negotiate a change. Quot what can you do to help me worry less about you and your grades Quot kid Quot ill go to resource three times a week. They re Good at helping people get 6. Go on caring. Each step she writes Quot must be taken As an Alliance confront and ally review and ally investigate and ally negotiate and ally Quot parents of teen agers have a raw Deal they not Only have the scary task of rearing teen agers but they also get blamed when kids get in trouble. Levine says. Quot there s a tremendous tendency to hold parents 100 percent accountable for what kids do. But the older the kid the less control a Parent some parents escape such misery. But in Levine s View it in t Likely that it s just a result of Good child rearing Quot some kids Don t give their parents trouble. Those parents should t feel smug. They just should thank god. They be been Lucky Quot 3, 1992 the stars and stripes a Page 15
