European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 16, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                How to handle present pressure too Many gifts or wrong ones can ruin big Darby Lawrence Kutner the new York times the focus on gifts during Holiday celebrations can prove too much for some children. Charlesl Thompson a professor of psychology at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville recalled How his 1v�-year-ofd grandson was so excited by the number of Christmas presents he received last year that he started playing with the boxes they came in. Quot they were easier for him to Cope with a he said adding that older children show similar reactions. Quot one of my students had a toddler who was so overwhelmed that during his third Christmas Celebration that Day he hid in the closet Quot Thompson said. Parents often face the Challenge of helping their children Deal with not receiving a much coveted gift. The item May be too expensive go against the parents beliefs or simply be inappropriate. By understanding How children think at different stages of their development and by looking for the underlying messages in the presents they request parents can both Spur their children s emotional growth and avoid painful struggles. Quot you can mop up the aftermath or try to prevent it in the first place Quot said Carolyn Saarni a professor of counselling at Sonoma state University in Rohnert Park a suburb of san Francisco. She and other child development experts strongly suggest letting children know ahead of time if something they want is out of the question so that they can come to terms with their disappointment. Children will freely share their wish lists with their parents and any other adult who will listen during discussions about possible presents children pay As much attention to their parents tone of voice and attitude As to their words. While a 4-year-old who asks for a Pony to keep in her seventh floor apartment clearly has t thought through the ramifications of her request her desire is both profound and sincere. Dismissing it without explanation conveys a Pai fitful message. Quot the child s frustration can be compounded if she i mks her parents Aren t taking her wishes seriously Quot said Peler a. Wyman an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. Children a choices on those wish lists Are often heavily influenced by advertising and peer pressure. By looking at the underlying themes however parents can sometimes learn a great Deal about their children. Expectations always run High at Christmas and can cause great disappointment if not fulfilled. Preschool children who beg for a superhero doll for example May be telling their parents about their own need to Experiment with having More control Over their world. Quot they can express a desire for Power by saving imaginary people and Channel their aggression in Safe and acceptable ways Quot said Rebecca Eder a visiting assistant professor of psychology at Bryn mawr College in Pennsylvania. Quot the superheros allow children to act out some of their  those underlying themes allow parents to suggest appropriate alternatives to unacceptable gifts their children May want. For example a preschooler who wants makeup May be equally excited by something else that symbolizes her parents recognition that she is growing up like an inexpensive piece of costume jewelry. A child who asks for a toy gun May be just As thrilled to receive a sports team jacket or some other Symbol of Power. Parents can also use their Young children a stage of development to their advantage by recognizing that until they re Midway through elementary school at least children Are far More impressed by the Quantity of presents they receive than by anything else. Ten gifts that Cost $2 apiece and Are wrapped individually will almost always be a bigger hit than a single present that costs far More. Finally remember that children appreciate the symbolic values of gifts they receive. Often the Best gifts Are the least expensive for they symbolize the respect parents have for their children and strengthen the relationship Between them. Quot give your child a gift certificate that s Good for your cooking the child s favorite meal at Home or your spending an afternoon doing what the child wants to do Quot Wyman said. Quot getting an object Isnit what s going to make a child feel loved and cared  make activities not gifts the Holiday highlight d \ / that my i a it a i it i. V 1 i t r. By the new York times there Are several things you can do to help your children Ward off disappointments Over Holiday presents and to Cope with those disappointments when they inevitably crop up. A shift the emphasis of your celebrations. All Loo often the highlight of the Holiday gathering is opening the presents. That emphasis gives children the message that presents Are what the family gathering is All about and sets them up for disappointment. A take the focus off what your child is getting and put it on what your child is doing for the holidays Quot advised Charles l Thompson a professor of psychology at the University of Tennessee at Knoxville. Quot consider giving some gifts on other Days As a Way of reducing the stress. That Way the emotions Aren t built up to such a High Peak on one Day Quot a give Santa Claus a partner. If your children believe that Santa Claus brings All the Holiday presents your comments that a particular toy is too expensive simply won t ring True and May Lead to false expectations. It is sometimes useful to explain that while Santa brings some gifts parents buy others. A a acknowledge that your children s needs Are different from your own. Its tempting to give children things that in retrospect you wished you had when you were their age. But for example a father who gives a helmet and a set of pads to a child who shows no interest in football May be unintentionally setting up a Barrier to the child s eventual enjoyment of the game. The child quickly realizes that it s safer not to compete with his father s unfulfilled aspirations than to try and risk failure. A use disappointments Over gifts to help your child practice empathy. All children Are sure to receive some Page 16 the stars and stripes gifts that they wish were different. By 6 years old most children have Learned to mask their feelings of disappointment in front of the giver to smile and to say thank you. Privately commiserate with your children. Don t Tell them that they should t feel disappointed. Help them see things from the other persons perspective. Ask your child Why he thinks the gift giver made that Choice Quot said Carolyn Saarni a professor of counselling at Sonoma state University in Rohnert Park Calif. Maybe grandma gave you socks because she crocheted them and thought they would be  wednesday december 16, 1992