European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 17, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Is. A or Jaeger the Fine Art of a Flag no nicely Beni enemy the new York times hat to do what to do when a Friend or acquaintance asks for a reference for a Job or a club for which he or she in your mind at least in t qualified what to do with an unwanted lunch or dinner invitation and finally what do you do when something offered for your evaluation just in t very Good Nice in t always easy. Sometimes it s impossible to Tell the truth and leave the other person with a modicum of dignity. , there Are occasions when kindness Calls for no demands Subtle evasions half truths and even outright Kes. In the Case of the solicited reference a Blunt no is at one end of the spectrum and agreeing to write the reference is at the other. Although it s highly unlikely that anyone would reply with a Blunt no even the gentler variations Hurt feelings and earn everlasting resentment. Then again writing a reference against one s better judgment is an easy Way out and unfair to the prospective employer or club. Is there a Middle Road Lynn Hecht Schafran a lawyer in new York generally Coats her refusals with Honey but the basis for what she usually says is that she feels she does not know the applicant Well enough for the Type of reference that is required. Her reply to such requests is along the lines of i think you re wonderful and i love going to concerts with you but Don t think i m competent to talk about your Mary Jean Tully a College librarian says awkward requests for references Are Why Little White lies were invented when she gets such a request she said she might write a letter saying that on the whole the person lived up to expectations and for further information Call the on the whole and Call me Are Clear negative signals to those experienced in such matters. Richard Wald an executive with Abc news generally writes the requested letter but he said i try not to such letters those he d really prefer not to write Are either lukewarm Neutral or both and he assumes that the recipients can read Between the lines. Most of them look for some enthusiasm he said. But there is one area where Wald feels almost completely unqualified to Cope. He is unable to deter and finally deflect unwanted lunch or dinner invitations. I m a Complete wimp he said. I try to but i always give in. If three postponements Don t work i la do it. I Don t have any strength of v Robert Shanks a writer has a easy Way of getting out of almost All his unwanted invitations. I Tell them i m a smoker and that i bought my wife a fur coat he said. That knocks out about 80 percent of future finally letting Down gently someone who has asked your evaluation of something is no easy task. While honesty is the Best approach it is 6ften considered too Blunt. Instead an assessment is Given that is so couched in qualifications and evasions that it has no value and it leaves a feeling that the request was not taken seriously. The result despite your efforts to be polite the other person ends up feeling insulted. And the harder you try to be Nice the worse things can get for the ultimate in pseudo sounding or even genuine Politeske it is hard to top this Fetter sent to a writer by a chinese publication. We have read your manuscript with boundless Delight the letter said. If we were to publish your paper it would be impossible for us to publish any work of a lower Standard. And As it is unthinkable that in the next 1,000 years we shall see its equal we Are to our regret compelled to return your divine composition and beg you a thousand times to Overlook our Short sight and now that s a Brushoff. On the family my family lives together under one roof and we share the same last name but we Don t feel like a family. How can i begin to put a sense of togetherness into our harried household i be written and spoken extensively on the dangers of Over commitment and routine. Panic and i will not repeat those warnings Here except to say that you should make a concerted Effort to slow the Pace at which your family is running. Beyond that advice however i would emphasize the importance of creating family traditions. I m referring to recurring events and Behaviours that Are anticipated especially by children As times of dose Ness and Fellowship Between loved ones. For example each year for Christmas we prepared a tremendous meal involving a huge Turkey and All that goes with it. A great favorite of ours was a fruit dish called Ambrosia containing sectioned oranges and peeled grapes. The family peeled the grapes together the night before the Holiday. On july fourth we usually invited 30 or More friends for a picnic that became a traditional prelude to the fireworks display. Another tradition took place immediately before thanksgiving dinner after everyone was seated. My wife Shirley would Tell the Story of the pilgrims who thanked god for helping them survive. Then each person was Given two kernels of Indian Corn from a Basket to symbolize the blessings he or she was most thankful for which they expressed out loud. The expressions of thankfulness inevitably involved people children and grandparents and other loved ones. As the Basket moved around the table tears of appreciation and love were evident on Many faces it was always one of the most Beautiful moments of the year. This brings me Back to the question about harried Homes. The great value of traditions is that they give a family a sense of identity and belonging. All of us desperately need to feel that we re not just part of a Busy Cluster of people living together in a House put we re a living breathing family that s conscious of our uniqueness our character and our heritage. How do you feel about having a family Council where each member of the family has an equal vote on the decisions affecting the entire family it s a Good idea to let each family member know the others value is viewpoint and opinion. Most important decisions should be shared because that is an excellent Way to build Fidelity and family loyalty. However the equal vote idea is carrying the concept too far an 8-year-old should not have the same influence As a Parent in making decisions. It should be Clear to everyone that the parents Are the benevolent captains of the ship. I or. James c. Dobson is president of focus on the family an organization dedicated to preserving the Home. Correspondence should be sent to him at focus on the family . Box 444, Colorado Springs Colo. 80903. Saturday september 17, \ 994 the stars and stripes 15
